3/4/05

Coyote Ugly

I saw a pontiac Aztek on the way home today. The guy driving it looked normal, but I know he wasn't. He couldn't be. I know that because he was driving one of these. In my book, that precludes normalcy. There's a reason they used these things as the "futuristic" armored cop car in so many post-apocalyptic sci-fi movies. They are that depressing and ugly.

With the possible exception of the Hummer II, the Pontiac Aztek has to be the ugliest thing on our highways today. Every time I see someone driving one, I not only pass judgement on the car, I also pass judgement on them. I can't help it. I instantly wonder if their living room has green shag carpet and avocado and gold furniture. I cannot fathom the possibility that someone actually bought one of these things of their own free will. I personally think that everyone behind the wheel of one of these shitbricks on wheels has to be working for, or being paid off by, Pontiac.

The thing that scares me about this SUV is that it is a rolling example of everything that is wrong with upper management in corporate america. Somehow, this 2 ton abortion actually made it through the idea pitch, the design stage, the prototype stage, and the production stage without anyone at Pontiac writing a memo about how the emperor has no clothes and a boxy, flat, ugly ass. Or even worse, if the memos were written, they were ignored.

They have sold something like 11,000 of these things the first year -- a pretty small number when you're talking about a production SUV. I read that out of the gate, they estimated that they would sell something like 75,000 in the first year. I also remember that a substantial number of that 11,000 was fleet sales -- Pontiac giving companies a special deal if they bought a bunch. They could give them away, but they had to work at it.

This just had to be some three-letter executive's wet dream come to life. There is no way this thing would have ever been produced unless it was driven, nay, shoved down from the top. I suppose it's also possible that it was the result of the designer being the nephew of the CEO, or an office affair gone awry. This thing is so ugly, there is a definite possibility that it may have been the CEO himself having the affair with his nephew.

You may disagree with me, and you may even think this car/truck/SUV is the prettiest thing on the road. If you do, I can almost guarantee that you probably have a singing bass plaque on the living room wall, and a really nice candy dish on the coffee table.

If Pontiac won't stop selling these things, I think they should offer giant paper bags with windshield holes cut in them, so the rest of us don't have to look at it when it drives by.

12 comments:

  1. You are absolutely right. I could not agree with you more. I remember on the season of "Survivor" that had Colby on it (he's hot so it's the only season I watched), he won one of those, and he also won dinner with his mom, and at night they turned the Aztek into a camper or something and got to sleep in there. I was like-wow, Pontiac, you are really trying hard. I remember thinking how pissed I would be if I won an Aztek.

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  2. As an avid supporter and user of Public Transportation, I must say: I'd rather be driven in a rickshaw pulled by a gaseous rhino than drive in one of these.

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  3. My sister bought a Pontiac Sunfire a few years back. (She bought it the first year the Aztec was available). My dad went with her and while she was signing the paperwork he was looking around the lot. He came across the Aztec. He grabs the Sales Guy and is like, "WTF is this abortion? This is the ugliest, stupidest thing I have ever seen. Have you sold any? Tell me one good thing about this piece of shit." The Sales Guy thinks for a few seconds and begrudgingly says, "they have a decent warranty?"

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  4. That's my car.

    No.

    That's really ugly. I agree with you. I wish you had put that picture as a link because I wasn't yet ready to see something like that so early...

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  5. I don't know...those Scion's are pretty damn ugly. This thing looks a little bit better than those.

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  6. That car has always reminded me of the one Homer designed on the Simpsons. "Whatever Homer Wants, Homer Gets", which is iike what you said about this being a CEO's pet project.
    I love seeing one of these on the road because I point and laugh at the driver when I go by. "You traded in your Yugo for THAT?"

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  7. Amanda, the Scion *is* pretty ugly, but in a hip fashion kind of way. The Aztek, especially the original one, was just butt-ugly.

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  8. one of these abortions parked in mine and scott's garage and every time we walked by it we both threw up a little and were like "what the fuck is that thing?" I bet it had a personalized license plate. Seems like you'd have both if you had either.

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  9. we had a poll on my blog a while back, and the aztek won "ugliest car ever created" by a landslide.

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  10. It's so ugly, I don't know what to compare it to. Maybe one of those Pontiac Transport/Chevy Lumina minivans? A Citroen?

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  11. Reason #8,453 we were separated at birth - I HATE Azteks!!! (And I don't usually hate cars. I do, however, hate all Pontiacs sheerly out of principle. Oh, and those boxy Scions that look like gangsta get-away cars that shimmy at 45mph.) All Azteks should be driven to the designer's house so his neighborhood looks like a used parking lot. That way HE has to see his design f'up EVERY DAY. ALL OF THEM!

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  12. Since I am going through the archives, I think Pontiac has stopped producing these for exactly the reasons you stated. But I gotta say, they have *totally* redeemed themselves with the Solstice. As fugly as the Aztec was, that's how cool the Solstice is. Best. Car. This. Millenium.

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