2/28/05

Saco de Toro

I get about 15 pounds of catalogs every day in the mail. I am pretty sure that over half of them are from Victoria's Secret. Not that I'm complaining, mind you. I only wish they existed when I was a kid. Back then, we had to make do with the underwear section of the Sears catalog (those nursing bras with the flap were hot, am I right?) or find the waterlogged Playboy mags that the big kids left decaying in the woods.

Did you ever notice that in all the Victoria's Secret catalogs they airbrush the nipples out? All the models have the breasts of female comic book characters. Honestly, I don't know what the big deal is. Hey, that little patch of skin is a different color than the surrounding skin! And-oh-my-god-it-has-a-protuberance! Quick! Get the airbrush before someone sees it for God's sake!

Anyway, back to these 15 pounds of catalogs. Once in a while, I order things from this place called Sportsman's Guide. As a result, I get a weekly catalog from them too.

As I'm thumbing through it this afternoon, I notice that they've got one of their big sellers prominently displayed on page one -- the venerable dried bull-penis walking stick. Incidentally, right next to it, they're showcasing a new addition:



A bull scrotum suspended between two nicely capped posts, for only $49.95.

In the description, they state that it "makes a wonderful candy dish." Another suggestion is to use it for "displaying a dried floral arrangement." Personally, I think the absolute best thing to do would be to fill it up with nuts. That's some serious fucking irony right there, my friend.

As I'm sitting there wondering who it is that actually buys this crap, I also start thinking about who must have pioneered the process to begin with. To me, at least, there doesn't seem to be any sort of rational thought progression from bull penis to walking stick.

"Hey Cletus, look at the size of the crank on that there bull! It's gotta go three foot long! [LOGIC GAP YOU COULD DRIVE A TRACTOR THROUGH] I could make me a real nice walkin' stick outta that!"

The funny part is that in the small print, it warns against using it in the rain, as it "may absorb moisture." They don't actually tell you what will happen if it does absorb moisture, but I'm guessing that absolutely no good can come of it. Does it start to smell funny? Does it go limp? Do cows start following you around? The possibilities are endless.

Here's my credit card. I'll take two. And hey, can you throw in one of those nutsacks?

Sweet.

8 comments:

  1. As soon as you said "I think the absolute best thing to do would be to fill it up with nuts. That's some serious fucking irony right there, my friend." I shit myself. I am not kidding.

    Also - I think it would be funny to have that cane and walk past a cow pasture. Suddenly the cane doubles in length and you just flip over.

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  2. you're seriously funny man

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  3. I think it would be funny to get the scrotum and fill it up with candy or nuts, and then when you have guests over they'll grab some and be like, "Wow-what an interesting candy dish!" And you say right as they are putting one of the nuts or pieces of candy into their mouth, "Yes-that's actually a bull scrotum." I would pay to see the reactions that would result in. I mean, I know how I would react if I was just told I was eating out of a bull scrotum. John, you should put that as a scene in your movie.

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  4. Whatever you do, don't use it as an egg-nog bowl at your Christmas Party. I would refuse to drink from your bull's ball sack on principle.

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  5. I once went to a dog show and was looking for something for my dog. I was looking at a long jerky looking object and asked the guy what it was. He said it's the bulls pride. I said what, and he motioned towards his dick. I put it down quickly and washed my hands like a dozen times. My dog is no homo.

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  6. I would like to see this bull penis walking stick. Well, I wouldn't like to see it. Let's just say I'm intrigued to see it but I won't enjoy it.

    I think the classiest part of the bull junk candy dish are the two wingnuts attached to the sides. Nice touch.

    If it's cold in your house does the candy/nut dish shrink up and imprison it's sundries inside until it warms up?

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  7. What I find incomprehensible about the VS thing is, they won't show nip in their catalog, but every freking one of the manniquins in their store have THO (tittie hard on). Seriously, is this necessary? Does the bra fit differently if it's cold out?

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  8. Sportsman's Guide has been selling those for years. Never ever had the urge to buy one, though.

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