Total Recall.

In an ongoing effort to make my blog both fun AND useful, I've decided to keep you up to date on current consumer product recalls. Not all of them, of course --just the ones that made me laugh for some reason. That's another way of saying if the grill you bought explodes, you're on your own. Unless, of course, said grill is made of gold and goes over your teeth, in which case you totally would have read about it here first.

With that introduction out of the way, here are some recent recalls I think my readers should be aware of.

This first one I'd like to file under the category of "Unfortunate Company Names":

Children's Hooded Sweatshirts with Drawstrings Recalled Due to Strangulation Hazard

Name of product: Hooded Fleece Sweatshirts
Units: About 450
Distributor: Dysfunctional Clothing LLC, of Irvine, Calif.

Hazard: The jackets have a drawstring through the hood which can pose a strangulation hazard.

Apparently, I am not the only one who can't really understand how you could kill yourself with your own sweatshirt. There are a ton of clothes companies who just got fined for "failure to report drawstrings" on their sweatshirts. So while the topic of strangulation isn't funny, I still laugh when I think of the company president of Dysfunctional Clothing, LLC sitting in his office thinking, "Why? I'm an idiot, that's why! What made me think that name was a good idea?"

[edited: Jess, Marbles --holy crap, I had no idea little kids getting killed by drawstrings was that common. How did we ever survive the 70's? No helmets, strap-on rollerskates with metal wheels, drawstrings on our clothes ... ]

This next one goes in the file folder marked "Irony."

Skull-And-Crossbones Necklaces Recalled By Spencer Gifts Due to Risk of Lead Exposure

Name of Product: Skull-And-Crossbones Necklaces
Units: About 8,400
Importer: Spencer Gifts LLC, of Egg Harbor Township, N.J.

Hazard: The skull and metal clasp of the necklace contain high levels of lead.

Let me get this straight: They sold 8,400 of these things? What sort of lead product were these people sucking on before? I mean, something had to make them think a skull and crossbones necklace was a good idea to begin with, right?

This next one I file under the heading of, "Things that make me simultaneously cross my legs, bend at the waist and cover my crotch with both hands while breathing in sharply between clenched teeth."

Under Armour Recalls Athletic Cups Due To Injury Hazard

Name of Product: Under Armour Athletic Cups
Units: About 211,000
Importer: Under Armour Inc, of Baltimore, Maryland

Hazard: The cups can break if hit, posing a risk of serious injury hazard to athletes.

Incidents/Injuries: Under Armour has received five reports of cups breaking/splintering, including an injury involving cuts and bruising.

Yeah, that's what I want covering my junk. A futuristic codpiece that explodes into razor-sharp shards when it's hit with something. It's safe to assume that they did no product testing on this at all. It looks like kevlar/carbon fiber body armor (or maybe a super villian mask), but apparently it's made of untempered glass.

I don't even know where to file this last one. Under "Things that make you go "Ewww," maybe.

Target Recalls Dive Sticks Due to Impalement Hazard

Name of Product: Dive Sticks
Units: About 365,000
Importer: Target, of Minneapolis, Minn.

Hazard: The recalled dive sticks could remain in an upright position, posing an impalement hazard to young children.

So they're telling me that kids are actually getting impaled on these things? They throw them in the pool and then jump on them, and because they're sticking up in the water they get impaled? I find that hard to believe. OK, maybe once, but what are the odds? I feel bad for the manufacturer on this one. It's not like they have jagged edges like that cup up there. They're round and smooth, for god's sake. What they should do is recall them, jack the price up to ten times what it was, re-label them as "Sexx Stixx: Sensual hot-tub fun for everyone." and sell them exclusively through Adam & Eve.

See, Dad? My marketing and advertising degree didn't go to waste, regardless of what you're always telling me.

So until next time, beware of any street corner cup deals that look too good to be true. I mean, usually you're fine buying that sort of thing out of the trunk of someone's car, but you can't be too careful these days.


  1. A kid at a daycare near here died last year when his sweatshirt's* drawstring caught on the slide while he was going down it. The adult on duty was just around the corner but by the time he got there it was too late. So yeah, it seems a little ridiculous but this is one case where no kid really suffers from not having a drawstring and avoiding them can save lives.

    *It was an old sweatshirt that had belonged to the daycare owner's son and was therefore pre-drawstring-rules.

  2. As for the necklaces, it is rather pleasantly ironic that the skull & crossbone necklaces were poisonous, no? Maybe the people who bought them thought that was the point. "A great gift for that schoolyard bully who's always tormenting you! Or for Great Uncle Hal, who told you once that he's leaving his GI Joe collection to you when he kicks it, but is in disappointingly good health for a 96 year old man who still plays with doll!" Ah, Spencer's, always there for us in the innovative gift department.

  3. Greatly appreciate your dedication to keeping us informated on the saftety recall stuff. Have a pleasant weekend.

  4. What sport are these people playing that they keep getting hit in the junk?

  5. Unfortunately, JV, I can personally attest to the hazard of drawstrings on kid's clothing. I hate to be morbid, but I always take the opportunity to educate other parents about this.

    I lost an 8-year-old relative to a drawstring on a winter coat... she was getting off her school bus, and it got caught in the grab handle on the side of the stairwell. The driver shut the door without realizing she was caught, started up the bus, and she was thrown under the rear wheels. The End.

    Ever notice how kid's coats don't have drawstrings anymore? Yeah, partly due to the lawsuit generated by my relatives. So the warning thing about sweatshirts is not very far-fetched.

  6. husband works for Spencers...he'll get a kick out of this one!

    and, relabeling those as sex stixx....too f'n funny!

  7. The world is a dangerous place.

  8. Remember the skateboards with hard composite wheels? You could be rolling down a hill on one of those suckers and when one of the wheels hit a pebble, the damned board would stop and you'd get thrown off. A lot of kids in my neighborhood wound up with nice little scars.

    Lawn darts. `nuff said.

    BB-guns. My brother still has a scar on his hand when I shot him in a BB-gunfight (yes, that is where I was aiming.)

    Little league with hardballs in the day when the catcher had to hold his hand next to the mitt in order to keep the ball in it. Almost every kid I knew who was a catcher broke one or more fingers.

    Bows and Arrows. "Skitching". How come we're all not dead?

  9. Comrade, may I direct your attention to my sidebar and a story entitled, "Lords of Brookshire." You'll enjoy it.

  10. Johnny you made my day. I've been sick in bed with the flu for days and stuck here with naught but a laptop to keep me company.

    I nearly lost it on the "sexx stixx". My throat is still sore from laughing so hard.

    They say laughter is the best medicine. I'm going to credit you as one of the reasons I'm actually on the mend.

    WV: conts

    Oh I'm SO not going there....

  11. Anonymous8:49 PM

    I kind of thought the athletic cup looked like a really cool computer mouse. Gives me a brilliant idea...

  12. God, I can't imagine the pain if one of those ballshields exploded.


  13. wow. i had no idea spencer gifts was still around. i figured they folded when the demand for blacklight posters declined...

  14. Anonymous7:20 PM

    I knew the hottub needed a new toy. You crack me up:)


  15. Anonymous8:02 AM

    The skull & crossbones are the best. It's actually just reconfirming what we all learned when we were 5--don't put anything in your mouth that has the poison symbol on it. Also, don't wear clothes with it either; it just looks silly. Oh, and don't buy anything if it's labeled "dysfunctional." Wouldn't it be nice if all products came with such clear symbols?

  16. Ahh.. making the world safer, one draw-string hoodie at a time!

    Aside from the obvious stupidity protection recalls, I have to wonder about the cup. I use Under-Armor gear for various things although not the jock. They are a pretty major brand in sports these days, but who passed the cup off to marketing before it was actually Q/A?

    "Alright Bill, it looks like a winner. Has out logo right there where we like it. All is good. Did anyone test it?"

    "Umm... sure. They must have. I mean it looks like a crotch protector. It must work."

    Then again, maybe someone was wearing it and walked in front of Tiger Woods just as he was was driving for that 600 yarder.

  17. Anybody remember Jarts??? Who thought THAT was safe?

  18. Llama, hope you feel better.

    Bubby, I know! Remember this?

  19. p jane11:17 AM

    Ooohhh, my grandparent had Jarts and would send me and my younger brothers out to play with them in the back acres UNsupervised. They were more concerned about us eating the crabapples than impaling one another, so I'm with you on really not seeing the dive-toy danger. Then again, my kids struggle to make it to the bottom of the pool to retrieve dive-toys so accidental impalement on something they can't reach seems unlikely.

    Drawstring choke hazards are familiar, tho...hubby and I hunted all over one year for hoodies w/string instead of that #@%$%#$&*@*( elastic for the kids and were snottily informed that any good parent would know they had been banned and why.

  20. Anonymous6:30 PM

    hello... hapi blogging... have a nice day! just visiting here....

  21. "What they should do is recall them, jack the price up to ten times what it was, re-label them as "Sexx Stixx: Sensual hot-tub fun for everyone." and sell them exclusively through Adam & Eve." -you know, you may have something there...