5/12/09

They say 24% of California's air pollution comes from overseas.

A friend of mine sent me this article today. It's a story from India, so needless to say, it's very effed up. Also, I have questions.

Indian dad avoids washing for 35 years

NEW DELHI (AFP) - - An Indian man who fathered seven daughters has not washed for 35 years in an apparent attempt to ensure his next child is a boy, newspapers reported.

Kailash "Kalau" Singh replaces bathing and brushing his teeth with a "fire bath" every evening when he stands on one leg beside a bonfire, smokes marijuana and says prayers to Lord Shiva, according to the Hindustan Times.

"It's just like using water to take a bath," Kalau was reported as saying. "A fire bath helps kill germs and infection in the body."

Kalau, 63, from a village outside the holy city of Varanasi, outraged his family by refusing to take a ritual dip in the river Ganges even after his brother died five years ago.

"I still don't remember how it all began," he said in Saturday's edition of the paper. "I just know it started about 35 years ago."

Kalau's hygiene regime has taken its toll on his professional life.

The grocery store that he used to own closed when customers stopped shopping there due to his "unhealthy personality" and he now tills fields near Varanasi airport.

Kalau, who wears two pullovers all through the Indian summer, said his pledge not to wash was a commitment to the "national interest."

"I'll end this vow only when all problems confronting the nation end," he said.

But his neighbours in the village of Chatav said there was another reason for Kalau's washing boycott.

"A seer once told Kalau that if he does not take a bath, he would be blessed with a male child," a man called Madhusudan told the paper.

Most Indians prefer sons, who are typically regarded as breadwinners, while girls are seen as a burden because of the matrimonial dowry demanded by a groom's family and the fact that their earnings go to their husband's family.

Where to begin? The first sentence is probably a good place. Not washing for 35 years is supposed to guarantee him a male child? First off, I think that for the last 34 years, 11 months he has not been able to get within yelling distance of another living thing, let alone an actual woman. I am guessing that does little to help the whole procreation process. Also, I feel bad for his daughters. Can you imagine? I thought my dad was embarassing to me when I was a kid.

"It's just like using water to take a bath." No, it is not just like using water to take a bath. In fact, it's just about the direct opposite of using water to take a bath. One, it's not a bath, unless stewing in your own sweat counts, which it does not. Two, how exactly do you brush your teeth with a bonfire? That's like saying you can comb your hair with a car. Three, while I can understand you smoking weed in an attempt to dull your senses to the point where your own putrefaction doesn't make you vomit, wtf does standing on one foot have to do with anything?

And here's a news flash -- people didn't stop shopping at your store because of your unhealthy "personality." They stopped shopping at your store because you sell food and also have small chitenous creatures living off your body. They probably couldn't bring themselves to breathe in the same air you just exhaled. If you're going to do this kind of thing, move to Bombay. The air smells like raw sewage there most of the time anyway.

And as for ending your stank-ass protest when "all the problems confronting the nation end" -- know this:

You, my crusty, malodorous friend, ARE one of your nation's problems.

And Shiva? I am betting he is glad he has those extra arms. That way he can cover his eyes, plug his nose, and still have two hands left over to smack the shit out of you. I would also bet my paycheck that your neighbors and your family are also wishing for some extra arms right now.

Here's some unsolicited advice. Take a fucking shower and find a new seer. After 35 years, I think it's safe to assume that the old one isn't working out for you. Or for anyone else.

35 comments:

  1. I combed my hair with a car once. ONCE.

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  2. Thems hindus have stranje ways to keep themselfs clean. I is wondering if it would hep with the lice.

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  3. I wonder if he paid his daughters' dowries in weed? This guy is a crazy mofo.

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  4. Upstate Broad8:38 PM

    Dear God, somebody tell me how to get that mental picture out of my head. Please!

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  5. Are you trying to tell me that all these years I've been hopping up and down while rubbing a dining room chair's legs over my head, I've been doing something wrong? I always wondered why my face never got clean.

    Also, this kind of makes me want to get a job as a seer in India. If someone can get paid for that advice, I could make bank.

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  6. God, I love you. You made me cry. Thanks. Thanks a lot.

    WTF on one leg???

    i'm still crying and am beginning to snort from laughing so hard.

    thanks JV

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  7. Wow! Who knew you could fart in Japan and have someone smell it 2000 miles away!

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  8. um- I don't know what to say...except that your comment about 'small chitenous creatures living off your body' made my skin crawl.
    I'll back after I shower...in a SHOWER with WATER- not standing on one leg over a damn campfire.
    Jeez.

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  9. Yeah, not showering is not the best way to get laid. That is some funky reverse logic.

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  10. I honestly can not stop thinking about his wife...Just every time he comes after her..."Oh Holy Shiva - Here He Comes Again. How long can I hold my breathe this time!?!?" You think I could get her address? I'll send her some of those car air fresheners...She can hang them around his ears or something.

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  11. You know, I try to be respectful and open minded about other cultures and their traditions. But this just seems...beyond weird to me.

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  12. thanks for the laugh OUT LOUD!

    do you think this was a phone interview? i am surprised that after 35 years he has any teeth left! as you said there is so much you can say about this one! wow!

    :)

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  13. Anonymous12:31 PM

    Heeeeeeeeeeeee's back! Hilarious!

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  14. I'm betting all seven daughters are 36 years old or older. And no dowery, except some cabbage.

    Look up "drinking cow urine"...you can have fun with that one next...

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  15. Shoot, I'll save you the trouble.
    http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/food_and_drink/article5707554.ece

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  16. that bites.
    here is tinyurl

    http://tinyurl.com/cu7m67

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  17. That was fantastic! I haven't laughed that hard in a long time.
    Thanks JV! :D

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  18. Oh my GOD. Hilarious. You make me giggle so much. This reminds me of my argument for why "Picture" is not a romantic song. "Dude. He broke up with her 3 days ago and has slept with 3 different people since then. How is that romantic?"

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  19. Uh, totally grossed out, yet laughing. Hopefully he is no longer breeding. But isn't it common knowledge that the male chromosome is the faster "swimmer" and that smokin' ganja has the tendency to slow everything down? No wonder he's only had girls, his daily doping has been hindering his little stinky male swimmer's progress.

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  20. Okay the extra arms bit made me LOL. Okay, actually LQTM (Laugh Quietly To Myself) but that's only cuz I'm at work and don't want my colleagues to think me off-kilter. Aw what the hell, they already think that.

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  21. Welcome back, big guy....

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  22. maybe the standing on one leg thing is some sort of yoga pose... like flamingo or crane or stinky bird with no friends because i smell so bad...

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  23. melanie10:55 PM

    You're the only blogger I read that has made me uproariously laugh and piss my pants(when you had the septic tank guy over) and balled my fucking eyes out(you know when).
    I love your blog,and have lurked for some time.I just had to say something.Thanks.

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  24. The thought of this guy made me throw-up in my mouth a little.

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  25. redraven3:54 PM

    Loved the post JV, but the picture just did me in. I have to be careful though - my coworkers will wonder why I'm snorting with laughter over here (while trying to cover my mouth). Nothing is private in the cube farm!

    I wondered about the wife when I originally read this article. Can you imagine living in the same hovel with this man?

    Yuck...double and triple yuck!!

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  26. Holy crap! Two sweaters in an Indian summer? Maybe the ladies are rendered senseless by his aroma. Kind of like sweaty rohypnol. Good to have you back in fine form.

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  27. Anonymous1:19 PM

    Allow me to paraphrase J. Peterman...

    Ah Bombay. You may know her as Mumbai, but she'll always be Bombay to me.

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  28. Earl, my mother hung me on a hook once.

    KC, you got that right.

    UB -- I only wish my blog was scratch and sniff....

    Shine, I know. Better gig than a weatherman!

    Tricia, you are entirely welcome.

    Beck, have you smelled wasabi farts?

    BG, I know. dammit I can't even stand myself after a 3 day backpacking trip.

    Meredith, I think this has little do with culture and a lot to do with crazy as a shithouse rat.

    Alisa, I'm assuming it's easier to clean your teeth with a bonfire if they already fell out.

    Ray, I was thinking that when I read the article. Jeebuz.

    ASG, greenduck, Melanie, thanks!

    heather nuthin' wrong with that.

    Rockin' lets hope he has more than just the two. And that he washes them. A lot. Somehow, I don't think that's the case.

    Anon! Awesome. I was waiting for someone to correct me (or let loose with a J.Peterman quote)

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  29. You're back, Baby. Glad to see it.

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  30. Anonymous1:34 AM

    To Huck and MeredithElaine: you have weirdos in every culture. Doesn't mean all of them are like that.

    Maybe people who have never been to the US and watch Jerry Springer think Americans are a bunch of weirdos.

    To JV: You're a born writer. And welcome back!

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  31. Shiva is not the God with extra arms. In general, Hindus take their baths very seriously. Just clarifying, that's all. And seers are a pretty effed up breed. One guy told me parents to feed me cowdung to make me gain weight. I kid you not. (NO, they did NOT follow his advice.)

    (By the way, the word verification for this comment reads 'horni'.)

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  32. Cow dung - no. I wasn't implying anything about hindus and their bathing. Obviously this guy is completely off his nut. And I am sure I've seen pictures of shiva with 4 arms....

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  33. Anonymous8:01 AM

    I'm wondering if perhaps the seer wasn't having a little joke...

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  34. Mitesh12:53 AM

    The story itself was funny but your take on it ws absolutely hilarious. I am from New Delhi and I am sure this gentleman has to be an exception to the rule. Else we would not be having all these problems with water supply :)

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