1/29/07

Orlando: Day Five, Six and Seven

I'll make this quick because I'm sure you're as tired of reading about it as I am of writing about it. By the last day of the conference, I was almost used to the chairs that smelled of ass. I had gotten pretty good and didn't even really need to sit down to determine the relative nastiness of the chair. My senses were honed - I was a machine. A lot of the time I just sat on the floor in the back of the room, truth be told. But in my last session, I sat down in what I thought was a perfectly good chair.

A little while later, as the room is filling up, I smell what can only be described as rotten-cheese ass. I look around and there is nobody sitting to either side of me, and I'm pretty sure it's not me, since I just got out of the shower 30 minutes ago. I immediately assume it's my chair, and that my own hot ass reactivated some sort of latent funk that was embedded deep within its feeble padding. I bend down a little closer to see if I can make a positive ID, and I immediately see black dress socks directly under my chair. In my mind, I can see the invisible stink lines radiating directly into my nose. Goddammit, don't people understand that if your feet smell like your toenails are rotting off, you should leave your shoes on? You don't take them off and then shove your feet under someone else's chair. This has happened to me a few times on an airplane, but never before in a conference - so this was a first. I gave the guy a dirty look and then went to the back of the room and sat on the floor.

So that was my last day of the conference. I didn't stick around for the closing session. Instead, I spent that time changing my hotel from the the insanely expensive one that work was paying for to a slightly less insanely expensive one that I was paying for.

On Friday we hung around downtown disney and the highlight of the entire day was a fantastic dirty vodka martini that was the best I've ever had. When I ordered it, I didn't expect that the waiter would actually bring the ingredients to the table and make it in front of me, but that's what he did. Gorgonzola stuffed olives. My mouth is watering just thinking about this thing. My boss got food poisoning somewhere so never ended up meeting us for drinks.

On Saturday we took a quick day trip to Epcot, and if you've never been there it's pretty cool. However, if you've been there more times than you can count and you don't feel like going on Mission Mars, and the wait for the Soarin' ride is over two hours, then there's not much to do other than walk around and pay too much for stuff. We did see a really quick dolphin show at the Living Seas that was pretty amazing. Dolphins are smarter than me, in case you were wondering. I got to ride on a Segway, so that was something. It feels like snowboarding. That's the most accurate description I can give.

There are other things to see at Epcot, however. Amazing hairstyles is one thing that I particularly enjoy. This guy wins for 2007:



Bullets would bounce off that helmet. It was pretty damn breezy that day, and this thing did not move. My theory is that his hair was so ridiculously awesome that when he walked down the street, the wind actually stepped out of his way.

We also saw some cool skywriting. At first I was like, "Hey! Someone is going to propose to Jess!"



Then it all went directly to hell, (as I am sure I will be if hell actually exists):



It was pretty exciting to watch, and by exciting I mean excrutiatingly painful. After about 5 minutes more, the pilot had managed to squeeze out a "U" and an "S" and I knew then that Jess was out of luck and would remain single forever.

Ten minutes later, he had JESUS LOVES, and there was still some part of me that was holding out for "SPICY CHIMICHANGAS" or "DIRTY MARTINIS" but I knew it was not to be. The only thing left to determine was whether the pilot was an egotistical born again, in which case the next word would be "ME" or whether they were traditional christians and were going to go with the more generic "YOU" and really annoy me by pushing their faith on me from above.

Luckily as I said, the wind was pretty stiff so by the time he was finished (it was "YOU" by the way) all you could see was "VES YOU" and it wasn't really all that offensive. But still... VES YOU too, Mr. Pilot man. VES YOU and the plane you flew in on.

All in all, it was a marginally better visit to Epcot than my last one, which involved a random small child running up to me, screaming at the top of his lungs, and then punching me full force in the nuts.

26 comments:

  1. Anonymous7:57 PM

    I am equally impressed with the amount of hair he still has. I wonder if that V05 acts like a preservative?

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  2. Awwwww "VES YOU" too, JV.

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  3. hey, I think that's an insult.

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  4. Anonymous8:09 AM

    Someone else down there brought up the sky writing - I guess they did it earlier in the week as well.

    Apparently, seeing fluffy clouds invoking Jesus causes people to open their heart to the J-man.

    Or, it distracts tourists so the pickpockets can make their move.

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  5. Anonymous9:08 AM

    Christians have moved past pamplets cuz they know you can throw those away.

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  6. Is it just me or does latent funk sound like the name of a bar band?

    "Ladies & gentlemen, please give a warm welcome to Latent Funk and the Feeble Padding!!"

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  7. that's awesome. I can picture the LF logo as I type.

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  8. "random small child running up to me, screaming at the top of his lungs, and then punching me full force in the nuts."

    What, were you wearing a Tigger suit?

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  9. Anonymous3:27 PM

    Did your wife take that new picture of you, I hope, or did Special Dark make a REALLY good impression?

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  10. once you go black you never go back.

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  11. Anonymous8:25 PM

    Ves you, this I know; for the Ble tells me so...

    My secret word was "hdgkkgu", maybe next time the pilot will spell that.

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  12. Anonymous9:40 PM

    I have sent 'Ves you' in to urbandictionary.com. I'd say 50/50 chance that it gets on there.

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  13. Anonymous9:41 PM

    I have sent 'Ves you' in to urbandictionary.com. I'd say 50/50 chance that it gets on there.

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  14. Anonymous9:42 PM

    Sorry for the double post... Blogger was acting funny.

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  15. You can see invisible stink lines, too? Thank god, I thought I was the only crazy one.

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  16. yes, they are only invisible to others not of our kind.

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  17. my profile pic. I'm changing it up now.

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  18. Jennifer3:00 PM

    I want to know why "my last one, which involved a random small child running up to me, screaming at the top of his lungs, and then punching me full force in the nuts" was not hyperlinked to the story of this event???

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  19. I used to live in Hawaii. We went to the movies once and this big bruddah sat behind us, took off his rubbah slippahs and threw a pair of stinky ass feet up onto the arms on either side of my chair. My eyes were watering it was so bad. I had to move before I vomited all over my lap. What the HELL is wrong with people?

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  20. With a face like that you better be careful posting your pic. You might attract stalkers! With foot fetishes! (Feti?? Fetid feet to be sure!)

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  21. I love me some crazy religious skywriting.

    There is not enough of it in this world.

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  22. Still funny as ever. Yours is the only blog I come back here for. I'm so glad it's still here. :)

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  23. Now I've seen the new photo and I like it! Can you post a picture of your feet too? Maybe in a strappy sandal with a kitten heel?

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  24. Hey, I was listed as anonymous. Thank you new Blogger!

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  25. yeah, i was forced to convert. Effers.

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