1/9/07

Farewell, sweet silence.

Well, I guess all good things must come to an end.

I've decided to quit blogging.

It's been a fun almost-two years but....No, I'm kidding. You aren't quite rid of me yet.

Unfortunately, the "good thing" ending is my current cube situation at work.

For quite a while now, I've been in a "stand-alone" cube, in a part of the floor that was inhabited by nobody. That meant the only annoying person around me was me, and that's the way I liked it. It was so quiet, I didn't actually need my iPod to stay sane and my ear canals had even started to go back to their normal, non-earbud-expanded shape.

But lately, there's been some jibber-jabber, to quote the big guy. About 2 weeks ago, a couple of loud talkers moved into adjacent cubes one row over. One of them has a laugh that sounds like the Joker has Janice from friends stuck in his throat. I almost wrote that in the reverse order, but the analogy lost something vital in conjunction with that unwanted and disturbing mental image.

Last week, one of the two loud people decided she wanted a bigger cube, so she moved all her shit to a nice double-wide over by the window, far away from her original neighbor. At first I thought that would be good, as it would cut down on the combination idle chit-chat/laugh-fest over the cube wall, but no. Now the idle chit-chat is actually yelled across the room, because for some reason I'm invisible and they think they are the only two here. They are also both signed into the Instant Messaging system, and I know this because I made it a point to find out their names and add them to my buddy list, which I expect to grow quickly over the next few weeks:



Apparently they lack the motor skills to master typing, because even when both of them are online and available, they yell across the frigging room. One of them usually stands up to do it. I am fairly certain they just use their buddy list status to know when it will be most effective to scream at each other.

It's not foolproof, however, since on at least a few occasions, I've heard "HEY _______! Are you over there?" when that person's icon clearly showed them in "Away" status. I can almost see this person at home at night, quickly opening and closing the refrigerator door trying to see if the light really does go off when the door closes.

The other day I got a third neighbor and this one is also pretty close to me.

She's a nice enough lady, and I liked working with her on the few projects we've had together, but sometimes she likes to have what I call "walking phone conversations." She talks. And paces. For some reason her pacing always brings her to the space between my cube and the window, a small area of about 3 square feet. She will stand right there and converse. It's awesome. I'm betting in another couple of weeks, I'll know all her kids' names.

She also has some sort of palm device that she incessantly "syncs-to-desktop." Every single time she does this, it makes a noise like "Bee Doooooooop!" which goes from high to low.....and then a few seconds later, another noise like "Dooo Beeeeeeeeep!" which goes from low to high -- which is about as pleasant to listen to every 60 seconds as it is to read. There's some weird acoustic thing happening as well, because I hear her phone voice bouncing off the plate glass window to the left of me even when she's sitting in her chair. It literally sounds like she's curled up under my desk. Oh, and the same thing happens with the "easy listening" muzak that she was playing from her clock radio the other day.

This new person, while quite adept at using IM, is apparently not adept at a little thing I like to call "hearing," because she has an extremely loud notification noise set to trigger on every single incoming IM. It sounds like PING! I was almost gonna go out to my truck and get my synthesizer to give you the full effect, but instead I will give you my day in visual format:

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! BEE DOOOOOOOOOOOP! PING! PING! DOO BEEEEEEEEEEEP! PING! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! BEE DOOOOOOOOOP! PING! PING! DOO BEEEEEEEEEEEP! BWAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! BEE DOOOOOOOOOOOP! PING! DOO BEEEEEEEEEEEP! PING! PING! HAHAHAHAHAHA PING! HAHAHAHAHAHA! BEE DOOOOOOOOOOOP! PING! PING! DOO BEEEEEEEEEEEP! PING! WANNA GET KAWFEE? PING! "Biiiillly, Don't be a heeeero...don't be a fooooool with your life....." (with nothing but violins) BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! BEE DOOOOOOOOOOOP! PING! DOO BEEEEEEEEEEEP! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA! BEE DOOOOOOOOOOOP! PING! PING! DOO BEEEEEEEEEEEP! BWAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHA PING! HAHAHAHA! BEE DOOOOOOOOOOP! PING! DOO BEEEEEEEEEEEP! PING!

If one of them gets a cold and starts in with a phlegmy cough, I may have to quit.

This morning I saw a few post-it notes on 4 other empty cubes that said something to the effect of "reserved for other loud people" so I can't wait to see who moves in there.

The two cubes directly across from me are still unoccupied, at least for now. I really need to figure out a way to work from my house permanently before the "reserved" signs go up there.

God, I hate people.


On a completely different note, I am totally getting one of these for our long-ass weekly staff meetings because it never fails that my 32oz. coffee comes calling about 45 minutes into it. Besides, I can always use a little more comfort and confidence in my day.



I know it says one size fits all, but it looks like it might be a little big. Or maybe not. I'll let you know.

22 comments:

  1. I would go berserk if I had to deal with all that! What a bunch of inconsiderate loons.

    I thank my lucky stars that I have a nice big office. However ... my office is right outside the President's office, so everybody who stops by to see him (roughly 20-25 people per hour) feels like they have to make chitchat with me. Endless, mind-numbing, weather-related chitchat. I'll trade you my office for your cubie!!

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  2. Anonymous5:28 PM

    "For the active man". Riiighhhtt.

    "Pardon me sir, but what is that sloshing noise coming from your pant leg?"

    Would be great for going to games... you know, if it were for the fact I like to wear shorts.

    "Pay no attention to the sack of urine strapped to my leg"

    Well, at least I'd have elbo space at those LSU games.

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  3. I work alone but I talk to myself. :(

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  4. Oh JV, you a-scared little ole me. I thought you were really gonna hang up those sweet bloggin' skills. NOOOOOOOOOOO!

    And you totally had me scaring my dog out of a deep sleep by laughing at the sounds of your day.

    Don't you ever quit the blogging thing. Ever.

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  5. Anonymous9:50 PM

    He's actually under contract to blog until 2015. We should be good.

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  6. The nicest thing about my last job was the private office, with bathroom.

    The worst thing was when the other workers there, or God forbid, the public, disturbed me in there.

    PS--Don't you dare stop blogging. I know where you live. I think.

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  7. Anonymous10:59 PM

    Office karma: my friend A. works in the evil healthcare empire in LA. One afternoon, the loud woman sitting just across from her, who had been on the phone to her aunt Meredith for about two hours (something about her other aunt's irregular pancreas), all of a sudden squealed: "Eww, there's something on my neck!"

    It was the executive bathroom on the floor above. It was experiencing some plumbing problems.

    So hang in there. And put a rain hat in your desk drawer, just in case.

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  8. Joel Spolsky has a great essay on cubicles vs. private offices. Maybe you should send it to your boss?

    http://www.joelonsoftware.com/articles/FieldGuidetoDevelopers.html

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  9. Upstate Broad11:16 PM

    Ah, finally I realize what it is I enjoy so much about your attitude. We people-haters have to stick together. Wait, that would sort of defeat the whole concept, wouldn't it? I guess we have to tolerate each other from a distance.

    Just promise me you'll give us a few weeks notice before you stop posting. I'll need time to have the doctor adjust my meds...

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  10. I yelped in terror when i read that sentence about you quiting blogging. never prank like that again! now i have to reset my pacemaker.

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  11. Anonymous8:41 AM

    The visual of what your day sounds like is gold. Pure gold. Hey at least you don't have to hear Special Dark chewing gum. I can hear it from across the street and down two blocks.

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  12. Anonymous9:18 AM

    I'm sorry JV but the whole "I've decided to quit blogging." thing is the most not funny thing you've ever wrote.

    You totally got me. I actually quit reading for a couple of seconds and just stared at my computer all slack jawed and in despair. Thank God you wrote that you were kidding in the next sentence or I would have started to bang my head agianst my partial cube.

    You suck and you rock and now I'm going to need a couple more sessions with my shrink. Thanx.

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  13. Anonymous10:46 AM

    I love the recap.

    Look at it this way, fate has given you something to blog about and, in turn, your readers something to laugh about.

    Aside from driving you crazy, it's a win win situation ... right?

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  14. What I learned from this blog:

    You have a synthesizer in your truck. Handy.

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  15. Munkey11:26 AM

    Hmmmm.......32 oz coffee and a 20 oz recepticle. Wonder if you can you change those on the fly?

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  16. munkey -- I absorb whatever part of that volume contains the caffeine.

    Sarah -- I hear that in my nightmares.

    USB -- I propose we all get bumper stickers that say "PEOPLE HATERS UNITE!" and then in smaller type underneath it can say, "But not you. We all hate you."

    Hugh -- I learned that it comes in handy if the cord for the karaoke machine goes missing.

    Everyone else, sorry I scared you. I have to say it was pretty liberating to type that. But if I quit I'd have to go write a book or something and I'm not sure I'm quite up for that.

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  17. Sarah - I used to have a giant bucket of bazooka bubble gum on my desk. Someone got it for me as a joke and I thought it would last forever. Then SD found it.

    Handfuls, I tell you.

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  18. Anonymous10:32 PM

    i literally just squealed at the point where we visually experience the ping.

    i'm so sorry to hear about your new cube farm situation.

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  19. danielle, I think I have it easy compared to the crap you are listening to every day.

    So far, I got a yelp, a squeal and a jaw-slackenin' from this post.

    Not bad.

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  20. Anonymous6:53 PM

    Happy (early) BlogthDay! I'd send you some of my birthday cake, but I've been told frosting isn't good for hard drives.
    Oh, and don't EVER joke about quiting blogging! I only just found you and expect weekly-or-more-often giggles, guffaws and ginormous silliness for quite a while to come. In fact, I demand it!
    Sirus

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  21. Wow. You sound pretty sirius.

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  22. Anonymous1:16 PM

    This is great! I forgot how much I missed reading your blog! Glad I found it again!

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