Squeezing out one more post for Christmas.

You might remember the smoking baby Christmas gift I got last year from my friends who buy me weird shit. They're always like "Oh, I saw that and I immediately thought of you." This year, I opened my Christmas present from them and this fell out:

I am not sure why a Santa that poops hard candy makes them think of me, but that's something for their respective psychiatrists to iron out. Pere Noel surprise, indeed.

The first thing that struck me funny was that Santa, in addition to having a freakishly large bung-hole, also prefers to crap directly through his pants.

I wanted to make sure I followed the detailed instructions that were thoughtfully provided on the back of the packaging. I started with Step One:

OK - Remove the head. Put in Candy. Replace head. Seems simple, right? Not so. The head on my Santa does not come off, and is in fact one with the body. To get this particular Santa head off would require a chisel and quite possibly a band saw, and he would never be right again.

That's not to imply that he's in any way "right" when he comes out of the package, but still. Instead of trying to forcibly remove his head, I decided to use the convenient trap door in his back that, oddly, appeared to be designed for this exact purpose. I'm nothing if not versatile.

Unfortunately, the trap door seemed to be glued shut, so I was reduced to shoving the poopsweets up his butt one by one like little candy suppositories. That felt a bit wrong to me, so I eventually pried open his trapdoor with a butter knife. And that's not a euphemism for... well...for anything.

Once I had him loaded up with poop-sweets, I continued on to Step Two. That step seemed to work flawlessly. He shook like a baby's rattle and sounded chock-full of very settled joyful Christmas turdage.

Onward to Step Three.

I gently held the Santa around his body, (I may have even caressed him once or twice when nobody was looking) and pushed downwards, in anticipation of a sweet, sweet, Pere Noel poop. Would it be green? Would it be red? I waited with bated breath.

Nothing happened. No poop-sweet issued forth from the shiny-red oversized butthole of holiday spirit. Something was wrong. Santa was clearly constipated.

I read further down in the instructions, and noticed this bit:

Dammit. My Santa was all jammed up inside with what was apparently an odd-sized poopsweet. Contrary to the manufacturer's hopes, this was, in fact, stop me enjoying this product. So I opened his trapdoor, shook out his candy turd nuggets and tried again.

Success. As you can see from the picture, this time it was obvious he was ready and willing to drop a deuce for my pleasure:

Looking at the ingredients, I can see why he was initially holding back:

I don't know about you, but pretty much the last word I want involved when I'm going to the bathroom is the word "acid." I think that even beats the phrases "shards of glass" and "rusty staples."

There were no further instructions to be had, so I was on my own. The moment of truth was at hand.

I pushed him gently down and... Voila! A green poopsweet ricocheted off the kitchen counter and dropped to the floor, where it bounced under the refrigerator to sleep for all eternity.

Judging by his facial expression, I think he was both happy and relieved when it was all over:

In fact, I think we both were. By the way, if you were wondering, the candy tastes like crap. The green and the red are the same exact flavor. Stupid rip-off pooping Santa. Even so, I have awesome friends.

Next year, I'm filling him with raisinettes.


  1. Anonymous9:21 PM

    oh. my. god. (ala janice from friends)

  2. "Shake the Santa gently to settle the sweets." OMG, that line completely had me spewing spittle on my monitor. For some reason I pictured a guy in a speedo, coming out of the surf "settling his sweets". Man, I think there's something wrong with me.

  3. dammit you guys. Stop reading stuff before I work all the typos out. :)

  4. Santa brought Mr. Carly a pooping reindeer of the same sort, as a stocking gift. He hasn't tried it out yet. No sense of humour.

  5. There is not one thing about that, that is NOT disturbing. From "What would make someone think it up in the first place?" to "Why would someone buy it?".

  6. Reasons why this post is comic gold: EVERYTHING. But especially that you saved the picture of his terrifying, grinning mug for last.

    My hat comes off to you ducklet. I forced my husband to read it and he was laughing so hard he almost forgot to importune me for sex.

  7. I'm not sure I'll be able to work today with visions of the relieved santa in my head.

  8. Looks like bad Santa fetish porn if you ask me.

  9. nessa, thanks.

    mel,I think my new response to everything is gonna be "Well, settle my sweets."

  10. Anonymous11:51 PM

    Now THAT is a gift that just keeps on giving! Next we need a Leprachaun that pees beer for St. Patrick's Day! Classic! I need better friends...

  11. Damn. That gift it the shit, man.

  12. Anonymous6:50 PM

    Nah, aliens scare me. It's that aversion to forced anal probes, I think. I really can't remember how I found you, man. Probably because I'm old.

  13. Anonymous12:25 AM

    That is a shit eatin' grin if ever i saw one... Classic.

  14. Anonymous2:11 PM

    Just because Nessa is a brainiac:

    im·por·tune (mpôr-tn, -tyn, m-pôrchn)
    v. im·por·tuned, im·por·tun·ing, im·por·tunes
    1. To beset with insistent or repeated requests; entreat pressingly.
    2. Archaic To ask for urgently or repeatedly.
    3. To annoy; vex.
    To plead or urge irksomely, often persistently. See Synonyms at beg.

  15. Anonymous8:37 AM

    The really sad thing is that these people know that Santa can have some odd shaped sweets and yet, they didn't make the poop shoot large enough to accomodate a lil' (ok, a big) bout of odd shaped poop. I mean what if he'd have been eating corn?

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