$2.69 buys you 4 rolls and a social conscience.

The other day, I sat down and made myself a sandwich. I try to eat fairly healthy fare, and as a result most of the sandwich rolls we have in the house are shitty -- and by that I mean whole wheat. In this particular case, they were Barowsky's Low Fat Wheat Bulkie Rolls. They're awesome if you like the taste of shredded cardboard, but you'll learn to -- well, you never actually learn to like them, but you do learn to choke them down. (Now I sound like my wife.)

I took the last one out of the package, and since I'm a whore for any written words put in front of me, I started reading the bag. (I do this. I don't know why. I can't NOT do it. I read cereal boxes, milk cartons, soup labels, toothpaste tubes -- it doesn't matter. If there are words in front of me, I'm reading them, even if I read them a thousand times before.)

At any rate, I get to this bit, and start choking on my food, and not because the roll is dry as dust, which wheat rolls generally are:

In case you can't read it, it says:

"We also care about the environment. Our packaging, which provides our products with a good seal against the elements and staling, is recyclable. When you are ready to dispose of it, it can be recycled where it could end up as a variety of things such as carpeting, insulation, or a toy. If incinerated, it burns cleaner than home heating oil and actually helps all the other waste burn better."

Forget that recycling crap. According to this, these bags are like magic and I'm keeping them. In fact, ever since I saw this, I've been collecting them. I may be on my way to a serious gluten allergy from eating so many rolls, but I already have more than enough bags to cover the hardwood floor in my living room.

They're also not kidding about the insulation bit. I've taken to stuffing them in the arms of my coat and down my pants, and I've never been warmer in my life. I smell a little like stale wheat bread, but it's totally worth it and not that different from how I smelled before.

Just yesterday I wrapped up a half dozen of them to give to my friend's kids as a Christmas presents. I never know what sort of toy to get them, and when you think about it, there's lots of fun things an unsupervised little kid can do with a plastic bag.

If all goes according to plan, by next year at this time I should have enough saved up to heat my house for the winter. I wrote to the company asking them how many BTUs I should expect per bag, but they haven't gotten back to me yet --I told them it wouldn't be until next year, so they're probably just researching it a little so they can give me a more accurate number.


  1. Anonymous10:32 PM

    The imbalance of your brain is staggering.

    Humerous as fuck though.

  2. Anonymous11:06 PM

    Do they cure cancer, too?

  3. Anonymous8:37 AM

    Burns cleaner than home heating oil? What? I thought plastic was horrible to burn- like tires or something.

    Maybe the hillbillies that burn their garbage are environmentalists in disguise.
    Dude, the scumersons may have been one-upping you for years on this one.
    By the way, it took me two weeks of prtending to work, at work, to read your entire blog. I finished yesterday and am now bummed out.

    It's like when you find a great author and read all of their books. Your damn happy to have found a favorite new writer, but when you run out it's like being a crack head going cold turkey, without the option of pawning something and getting another fix.
    Anyways I was geeked to get another fix from you this morning. And by the way I love your long posts, so please, write, write away. Have a good one.

  4. Anonymous10:05 AM

    i like lindystar. now that i know we're both reading blogs as we pretend to work, i feel much better about it.

    if stuffing bags in your clothing really works to make it warmer, i'm willing to try that.

  5. I, too, am a whore for the written word. I have read every shampoo and conditioner bottle in my shower about 600 times each. Both the english, and the obligatory french that they put on all beauty products just in case you're willing to buy into the whole "Cosmetic French Superiority" conspiracy.

    By the way, I am now fluent in french if all you need me to say is "rinse and repeat as needed"

  6. Lindystar -- thanks!

    SFG -- you have no idea...

    Danielle -- I will send you some bags and you can try it. It helps if you put a little air in them first.

  7. I also read his entire blog while at work... (and at a new job) I had an office temporarily then, so I didn't have to pretend to work...just had to try to hold back the laughter. Now I'm back in cubicle land. I finally feel challenged at work. (The challenge is reading/writing blogs in stealth mode). Awesome writing skills, JV.

  8. I think you should post a picture of yourself with the bags so we can see what a lover of the environment looks like.

  9. I kinda like guys who smell like stale wheat bread. Just sayin.

  10. Miriam I think we can all agree that a TRUE image of an environmentalist MUST be a photograph of a naked man, in black combat boots, with a sword.

  11. I have a feeling they insulate even better with the rolls in them, but the smell would be pretty bad after a month or so.
    On the plus side, you'd always have penicilin on hand.

  12. If only I could figure out how to make the imbalance of my brain pay my bills....

    nessa, I can't believe you remember that post/pic.

  13. JV that's the sort of image that burns itself onto one's retina.

    You can't believe I remember it, and I can't believe anyone could ever get it out of their head.

  14. Nessa: How buff is this naked man?

  15. Miriam:

    This is it.


    Shame on you. You're a grandmother, for god's sake. :)

  16. JV for shame! That is NOT the post I was referencing! (although - nice torso).

    I was talking about the naked sword-wielding photograph.

  17. ha hah! Here it is Miriam -


  18. Oh, I remember the picture. I thought she just meant in general. Also, you need to read the post before that one for it to make sense.

  19. Sense Schmense. Who needs rationality when there's a nekkid guy trotting around with a sword?

  20. I do the exact same thing. I read EVERYTHING. Especially if I'm eating and there's no TV on. I read all packaging put in front of me. It's weird.