Just Filling In.

I was driving home from the store today and it was almost dark -- That time of night when the sky has sort of a blue-tinted glow and it gets a little hard to see. Not quite dark enough to turn on the headlights without feeling like your dad, but not quite light enough to see everything in razor-sharp detail.

As I drove past someone's side yard, I saw something odd out of the corner of my eye. My brain registered "Bathtub Virgin" (or "Mary on the half-shell" depending upon what part of the country you're from.) I'm sure you all know what these are, if not from personal experience, then from reading my blog...but something was odd about this one.

I craned my neck behind me, but couldn't make it out. So I did what any of you would do. I said fuck it and went home. No, of course I didn't, because I am not any of you. I turned my car around, parked it in their driveway and got out to look.

I am not privy to the current practices of the Bathtub Virgin Illuminati, but this display caught me by surprise. It seems that when Mary can no longer fulfill her matron-of-god duties, the best of all possible stand-ins is:

Yes. Water fowl. Swans are evidently preferred. And it's always good to have a second swan standing by in case the first one gets called away on important business.

I have no idea. People are strange. They make me laugh.


ps - According to my most recent site-meter search results that lead people here, there are entirely too many people forcing other people to wear butt plugs. Stop it.


  1. Good grief - is that their idea of a Christmas decoration or is that just an everyday occurance? ..And I thought I lived amongst idiots.

  2. If you look really close, the stain in the bathtub looks EXACTLY like Jesus. We've just witnessed a miracle.

  3. dammit. you made me look.

  4. There are folks near me, (in reference to your previous mention about the pitiful excuses for mailboxes in your neck of the woods), who have a concrete dolphin leaping up out of the earth for their mailbox. No, I'm not kidding. It's freaking enormous.

    These scions of Martha Steward Living also put out a nativity scene every year on their front yard. It's life sized, and it includes a very obviously empty manger, that miraculously fills with infant jesus sometime Christmas eve night. I've never seen the manifestation, but I'd imagine for a brief moment, lights shine down, barnyard animals show up, and some very confused middle eastern men wonder why the heck they are in NJ holding spices.

    Since the first time I spotted this nativity scene with its barren manger, I've felt a calling to fill it. Preferably with random and hilarious objects nightly until Christmas Eve. I was thinking things like Circus Peanuts, watermelons, lawn flamingos etc. I think it would really make the holiday special.

  5. I keep hoping that your coffee table book of Rural America Yard Art will arrive in time for Christmas.

  6. d'oh...
    The other swan is Joseph. Mary gets to be in the tub all alone. She is a virgin after all.

  7. You kids get outta my yard before I call the po-lice!!

  8. Anonymous1:53 PM

    First visit here: Love your blog!

  9. Anonymous7:04 PM

    OMG. Virgin's and butt plugs...


    I really need to stop reading your blog while I'm at work.

  10. JV, I saw something on the net today that made me think of you. Do with this picture what you will. It made me laugh and I thought it might give you a chuckle as well.


    Have a Good Day,

  11. Nice!

    That shoulder strap and handle *always* comes in handy.

  12. Anonymous11:11 AM

    what must these people be thinking as they haul the ceramic miscellany to the front lawn? (i wanna party with them. that's all i'm saying.)

  13. I believe it's the *Lack* of thinking that brings them to that point.

  14. Dan - no. Trust me on this.