I passed my favorite local fire house today, and I was pleased to see that the sign out front was no longer telling me that unattended candles could kill me. Instead, it was informing me that Steve Spitnick won an award for "most improved firefighter in 2006."
I'm guessing that he really sucked before.
I can just imagine Steve's performance and appraisal review for the 1st quarter of this year:
Steve has shown improvements in many areas. He is fast becoming a credit to our volunteer fire-fighting organization. Specific improvements in the last 4 months include:
No longer starts and/or spreads fires by mistake.
Has learned to point giant, high-pressure water hose at source of flame rather than at other firefighters or own face.
No longer calls the Seagrave Pumper #7 "that big one whut squirts water."
No longer runs out of buildings screaming "We're all gonna die! We're all gonna die!" when he smells smoke.
Has substantially reduced periods of unconsciousness since learning to turn on oxygen tank before placing oxygen mask on face.
No longer completely terrified of the fire house siren. (Still whimpers, but has shown marked improvement.)
Can finally watch the movie "Backdraft" without getting a semi everytime Kurt Russell is on screen. (honor system)
Has finally stopped asking when he gets to save a kitten from a tree. (Note: Has also stopped putting kittens in trees.)
Recommendation: Most Improved Fire Fighter Award.
I, for one, and proud and happy that Steve received this award. So join me in offering congratulations to Steve for his accomplishment. He clearly deserves it for all his hard work and dedication to his pyrotechnic career choice.