Once upon a time.

Lo, many years past and once upon a time, a lone Johnny didst inhabit a cube on the third floor of the wood near the enchanted window.

It was a good cube, and it had all the comforts of home, and for the most part Johnny was happy there. There was one problem however. In the next cube over, across the mystical aisle, a horrible cackling ogre didst live. She was not evil, no -- However, 'twas her nature to annoy the Johnny by virtue of her cackling ogre personality. The ogre of the aisle was the loudest, most raucous ogre in all the land. Legends were told of her laughter, which was like that of a mad demon eating the souls of the damned. Everything the cackling ogre did, she did with verve and zest and other words normally used to describe the hyperactive hard-of-hearing with no "inside" voice.

After many clashes and some harsh words, Johnny abandoned his wonderful cube by the wonderful window, and moved all his belongings to the other end of the row, in order to avoid that most distasteful of chores, the thrashing of the ogre.

Ogre assault and battery thus avoided, Johnny lived in relative harmony, until he and the other people in his village were moved to the 5th floor. The fifth floor was at first bountiful -- the restrooms were uncrowded, the air clean and silent, the villagers happy. Soon however, the interlopers came, and the fifth floor was inundated with loud talkers, whistlers, cellphone Ali-Babblers, no-hand pissers and other assorted riff raff. Still, Johnny and his close compadre Gutu Notunobu enjoyed a relatively peaceful existence in the back of the woods near the window, watching each others' backs. Other than the occasional clash with the more obnoxious interlopers, life was good.

There was a problem hiding in the wood, however, as there always seems to be in tales such as this. You see, Johnny and Gutu did not own the land they lived and worked -- it belonged to the great Margerine and her merry man Peterstone.

It came to pass that Johnny and Gutu and their brethren and sistren were again to be relocated. In an effort to appease Johnny and Gutu, The Peterstone assured Johnny and Gutu of the prime cube locations. Much sighing was sighed, muttering was muttered, and boxes were boxed, and a whole bunch of shit was tossed out. And so it was that Gutu and Johnny moved their stuff, and life was again full of adjustments and upheaval.

At first, the new forest was to Johnny's liking. He was by himself in a quiet back cube with a wide open space between his cube entrance and the vast, glittering sunshine-filled window. Gutu was less lucky -- she was placed within arms length of the subjects over which she ruled. It was not a good situation for a ruler who was used to ruling from afar -- but she made due, and made plans. Plans to move outside the village walls.

As it usually is the first day in a new wood, Friday was full of exploration and wonderment. It was a happy day, and all was well.

However, there was another evil lurking.

Waiting to spring.

At the beginning of a fair new week, Johnny arrived at his new digs to find a conference table and 4 chairs in the clearing behind his cube, nary 10 feet away as the crow flies, had there actually been a crow loose in the building, which there was not. So you will have to take my word. It was right the fuck on top of Johnny.

And that was not the horror of this tale, oh no.

No, the true horror was revealed upon closer inspection of the interloper's chairs. Each chair had a sticker on the back, and on the sticker was a name.

The name of the horrible cackling ogre, who had moved into a cube not 30 feet from Johnny after he left the forest wood on Friday afternoon!

The horror could not be contained, and thusly, a rare post about the workplace didst make its way unto Johnny's blog for all to see.

Mother fucker.


  1. you should have left a bag full of doodies at your old cube. It accomplishes nothing but it makes for good blog material later.

  2. WTF?! YOu mean it's not a conference table (which is horrid) but a new workspace where they will sit permanently?!

  3. I'd laugh, but holy crap that person is so annoying, it's not even funny. Just your cryptic references were enough to bring the memories of the voice back into my head.

    Sorry man.

  4. Oh how I hate my cubicle. My personal ogre doesn't even bother to wear shoes, then she knocks other people's professionalism.

  5. I feel your pain. Have you tried employing strategic flatulence in an attempt to drive her off?

  6. Not sure about that...but I'm moving. So far two people have asked me if they could have a meeting at that table. I was on the phone both times and the second time I said, "only if you don't actually talk."

  7. Once upon a time, this little elf worked in a big wood with lots of other elves who sat in seating arangements that where 4 in a row, facing four in a row with 1/2 inch piece of particle board between the elf across from you and next to you. There where many, many rows of elves in the wood. one elf in perticulare had a very loud, high pitched, monotone voice that could be heard, clear as day from one side of the room to the other. Especially if you where lined directly up with her row. And what, you may ask, did all the elves do all day in the wood...answer phones and talk about prices and availablity and other renting information for cars. Even at night when the night elves worked (as well as the screeching elf, who also was a very sweet girl, just with a horrendously high and eardrum shattering inside voice)you would have to plug your ear with a finger just to hear the person you were talking to on the phone. So the moral of the story is this: When the night elves where given the option, this little elf took her ass home to work!

  8. That sounds very familiar! I have the worst luck with cube mates...horrible.