They're Here.

I leave for work really early, about 5am, and it's mostly still dark. This morning, it was also foggy. As I'm driving down a lonely, dark road in the middle of nowhere, I see this:

I slow down, and pull off to the side of the road. I have no idea what these things are. My heart skips a beat, then starts pounding. They are coming right for me. No shuffling zombie gait, this -- they are coming at my car full speed -- which is a damn fine clip.

Oddly, they do not attack right away. In fact, they do not seem to be interested in me at all. They are 50 feet away now, and I am able to look at the creatures more closely. Vaguely humanoid, about 5 feet and 6 feet tall respectively. I believe the taller of the two is the male. Assuming of course that they do, in fact, have separate sexes.

I do not notice any genitalia -- just smooth, bright white skin, and some sort of malevolent red eye in the very core of their being. They move closer. I see them for what they are, and a scream rises in my throat.

They nod at me and say good morning. I nod back, trying not to vomit. I have no fashion sense whatsoever, but even I know this is not right.

No, unfortunately, I did not get to greet aliens from outer space.

Instead, I get to greet a nutjob husband and wife, wearing matching white tyvek painter's jumpsuits and caps, each with a blinking red LED stobe light pinned to the center of their chests.

Out jogging.

Dressed up like Devo's backup dancers.

WTF can they be thinking? Well, I actually know what they're thinking -- they're thinking "I really, really, really, really, do not want to get hit by a car," but still -- I wouldn't go to a costume party wearing that shit.

Goddammit. I'm never going to get the anal probe.


  1. Anonymous10:48 PM

    I wish I had interesting neighbors like that. I don't think I'll ever get the anl probe either. Dammit. Very funny, JV.

  2. HOly eff you are a good storyteller.

    HAHAHA, Devo's backup's, TOO MUCH

  3. Anonymous8:49 AM

    "I bring you love."
    "It's trying to bring us love! Break it's legs!"

  4. I just wanted to say thank you for the lyrics. That meant a lot to me.

  5. John will give you the anal probe if you leave yourself open.

  6. I hate husband and wives that dress alike! I would have rather had the anal probe.

  7. Seems to me that at 35 you get an anal probe for every yearly physical. Mmmmmm prostate fun. Chuckle.


  8. No, No, NO. Aliens. From OUTER SPACE, not Mexico. It has to be from outer space. Besides, I want the tour of the mothership.

  9. No probe yet? Stay late in the office some night. I hear there is some action in the 5th floor washroom around 10pm. Or so Tom says.

  10. are you sure they aren't practicing for halloween? i bet if you'dve stopped and asked, they'dve given you an anal probe...

  11. hey, no problem. i want other people to know how much of a freakin' genius you are when it comes to observations. im just sorta wondering how you got to see my blog... but anyways, yeah, keep in touch.

  12. Tyveks? I don't even know how you would jog in those things. I used to wear those to suck shit out of a wastewater digester. Ick, bad memories.

  13. more of a power walk, actually.

  14. There are tears rolling down my face right now! I should never go this long without reading your blog.