8/10/05

They're Here.

I leave for work really early, about 5am, and it's mostly still dark. This morning, it was also foggy. As I'm driving down a lonely, dark road in the middle of nowhere, I see this:



I slow down, and pull off to the side of the road. I have no idea what these things are. My heart skips a beat, then starts pounding. They are coming right for me. No shuffling zombie gait, this -- they are coming at my car full speed -- which is a damn fine clip.

Oddly, they do not attack right away. In fact, they do not seem to be interested in me at all. They are 50 feet away now, and I am able to look at the creatures more closely. Vaguely humanoid, about 5 feet and 6 feet tall respectively. I believe the taller of the two is the male. Assuming of course that they do, in fact, have separate sexes.

I do not notice any genitalia -- just smooth, bright white skin, and some sort of malevolent red eye in the very core of their being. They move closer. I see them for what they are, and a scream rises in my throat.

They nod at me and say good morning. I nod back, trying not to vomit. I have no fashion sense whatsoever, but even I know this is not right.

No, unfortunately, I did not get to greet aliens from outer space.

Instead, I get to greet a nutjob husband and wife, wearing matching white tyvek painter's jumpsuits and caps, each with a blinking red LED stobe light pinned to the center of their chests.

Out jogging.

Dressed up like Devo's backup dancers.

WTF can they be thinking? Well, I actually know what they're thinking -- they're thinking "I really, really, really, really, do not want to get hit by a car," but still -- I wouldn't go to a costume party wearing that shit.

Goddammit. I'm never going to get the anal probe.

15 comments:

  1. I wish I had interesting neighbors like that. I don't think I'll ever get the anl probe either. Dammit. Very funny, JV.

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  2. HOly eff you are a good storyteller.

    HAHAHA, Devo's backup's, TOO MUCH

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  3. "I bring you love."
    "It's trying to bring us love! Break it's legs!"

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  4. I just wanted to say thank you for the lyrics. That meant a lot to me.

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  5. John will give you the anal probe if you leave yourself open.

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  6. I hate husband and wives that dress alike! I would have rather had the anal probe.

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  7. Your options are still open for the anal probe...that is if you really, really want it. ;p Great post, my belly laugh for the day...thank you!

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  8. Seems to me that at 35 you get an anal probe for every yearly physical. Mmmmmm prostate fun. Chuckle.

    RCS

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  9. No, No, NO. Aliens. From OUTER SPACE, not Mexico. It has to be from outer space. Besides, I want the tour of the mothership.

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  10. No probe yet? Stay late in the office some night. I hear there is some action in the 5th floor washroom around 10pm. Or so Tom says.

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  11. are you sure they aren't practicing for halloween? i bet if you'dve stopped and asked, they'dve given you an anal probe...
    LibbY!

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  12. hey, no problem. i want other people to know how much of a freakin' genius you are when it comes to observations. im just sorta wondering how you got to see my blog... but anyways, yeah, keep in touch.

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  13. Tyveks? I don't even know how you would jog in those things. I used to wear those to suck shit out of a wastewater digester. Ick, bad memories.

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  14. more of a power walk, actually.

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  15. There are tears rolling down my face right now! I should never go this long without reading your blog.

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