I've decided I'm going to start awarding and/or taking away points to or from people I interact with every day. I don't plan on actually telling them that I'm doing this, because that would make them think I'm weird. Don't get me wrong -- I am weird, I just don't like to advertise it (except for here, obviously.) I won't be giving points to everyone nor will I be taking away points from everyone. Just the people who rise above and below my own personal, arbitrary bar on that particular day.
So without further ado -- here's today's allotment of JV Points:
Guy who pulled out in front of me this morning at 5:15am when I was doing 60mph on a two-lane highway with nobody behind me:
You get (-)100 points for doing this, when there was clearly not a single car behind me for miles. However, you also get (+) 50 points for flooring it and not making me slow down like the other assknob in the pickup truck who did this to me the other day and then went 30mph for 100 feet and took a left. I give him (-) 1,000 points, retroactive. He is the one who gave me the idea for this post, though, so I have to give him (+)500 points for that. He's still in the negative, because frankly, it's not that good of an idea.
Scabby-arm-guy working the register at the Mobil station:
You get (-)1,000 points for wearing a short-sleeved shirt and making me look at your weeping sores. You also get (-)50 points for licking your grubby fingers to count my bills back, and another (-)50 points for putting my coins on top of my dollars instead of putting the change in my hand first. Why is that so hard for people to get? Loose change first, then bills. That way I don't have to do effing gymnastics to get the bills back in my wallet. Jesus.
Unknown douchebag who got to work 3.5 seconds before me and took my parking spot instead of the one you usually take:
(-)2,000 points for not staying the eff out of my spot. You do, however, get (+)20 points for having your seatbelt hanging out of the passenger side door. Numbnut.
Lunch Lady Tina:
You also get (-)50 points for licking your thumb and adding to the saliva collection that scabby-armed guy started in my wallet. There was still a shiny wet spot on my five dollar bill when you gave it back to me. What is it with this nasty habit, anyway? I already have more spit-germs in my wallet than I need, thank you very much. You also get (+)49 points because you're a nice lady, and you know how to give me my coinage back first. Plus, you like 80's music.
Annoying vendor with English accent who, when I pick up the phone, says "Mr. Johnny Virgil" like I'm the next contestant on "The Price is Right":
You get (-)10,000 points because you are a relentless jackoff who transparently makes up bullshit lies like "Hey, the VP of Sales just walked into my office. Do you mind if I conference him in?" You know and I know that it was planned before you even dialed the phone, since he's a great (albeit also annoying) salesman and you suck old Def Leppard underwear.
I think that's it for today. You all get (+)1,000 points for reading my drivel on a regular basis.