8/9/13

Google is your friend this week.


It turns out that less blog traffic means that my search engine hits have gotten interesting again.  I checked them for the first time in a long while, and I decided that they were too good not to share with you.  As always, I am continually amazed by the things people type into Google, especially given all the recent NSA hubbub.  That's why I always use duck duck go, no matter what I happen to be searching for.  Unless it's disturbing pictures for you guys. Then I use Google, so I might be going away for a while.

These people below, however, have no qualms about typing whatever comes into their pretty little heads. And for that, I thank them.  So once again, back in the U.S. after a very successful tour of Japan, I'm proud to bring you the musical stylings of:

Fantastic Google Searches that Somehow Led People to my Site

How hotel keep lizard away? - HULK HAVE QUESTIONS. HULK NO WANT LIZARD RUIN HULK VACATION!  HULK LIKE ROOM SERVICE AND FLUFFY ROBE, TOO!   Well, as a puny human, I can answer this because it's an easy one.  While we all know Marriott can't afford to have your friendly neighborhood Spiderman on staff, and since there's only one of him anyway,  they operate on the same principle as Santa and his "helpers."  So in your particular case, Mr. The Hulk, this guy is outside standing guard.  Luckily, The Lizard is kind of nearsighted.   So there's your answer.  Also, don't believe them when they tell you that movie title won't show up on your bill.

wedgie theory of interrogation - Based upon my success using this method on Houdini when we were kids, I can say with complete authority that it will definitely work if your goal is to get someone to tell you where they hid your transistor radio.

what do fancy bathroom have in it? -  Oh, you poor, poor bastard.  I pity you and your common nether-regions.  If I'm understanding you correctly, you're saying that since the moment you were first potty trained, you've been forced to perform the act of waste elimination using a regular bathroom?  I'm really sorry.  It goes against my nature to rub something like this in, but let me tell you what you've been missing.  When you have the Electro-Sluice 7000BM installed like I do, your toilet will anticipate your every wish. You simply drop your pants to your ankles and the padded stimu-seat will silently rise up behind you and (using IR sensors) measure the temperature of your ass and automatically adjust itself to 10 degrees above your body temperature in the winter, and 2 degrees below your body temperature in the summer.  All programmable, of course. Then it will ease you back gently until you are at a comfortable pre-set angle that promotes relaxation, as the ambient sounds of Brian Eno's Music for Airports (or other music of your choice) is piped into the bathroom in DTS 7.1 surround sound.  Then the lights dim, the gentle and nearly silent fan will start up, circulating the scent of fresh, night-blooming jasmine - not too much - and at that point you are free to begin the elimination process.  A patented vacuum system handles both liquid and solid waste at the same time, so you can really just let it all go without any concerns at all.  With the Electro-Sluice 7000BM, your only responsibility is to relax your sphincter as both your worries and your waste float away like gossamer silk on a warm bay breeze.  And that's not all.  After you're done, the Electro-Sluice 7000BM will lovingly clean your private parts with 37 discrete fine mist rosewater jets, and pat you dry with freshly warmed cashmere towels from 4 different auto-adjustable angles.  So that's what fancy bathroom have in it.  And no, you can't try mine.  Just go take a dump in your shitty American Standard white ceramic bowl with the rest of the unwashed masses.

can you drink on lunch while working at Lowes? - Based on my experiences in that store, I would say the answer is "Fuck, yes."

can I spend my vacation hanging out? -  Sure you can!  In fact,  I've done this, and it's very pleasant.  Just remember two very important things.  (1) zip up before you go out in public, and (2) sunscreen is very important.

if the vet expressed her anal sac, should she feel better instantly?  - This isn't common knowledge, so I'm impressed by your question.  Not many people know that most vets have anal sacs that need to be expressed regularly.  The answer to your question is yes, your vet will feel better almost immediately, but you don't want to be in the room when she's doing it.  It involves contortions and hand-held mirrors, and it's quite disturbing to watch.

brown cloth-like stuff coming out of your pee hole - This one just made me cross my legs instantly, however I'm all about helping people.  So:  If you have BURLAP COMING OUT OF YOUR PEE HOLE you need to immediately get the hell off the Internet and GO SEE A PEE HOLE DOCTOR ASAP!  Go. Now.  Before whatever garment is coming out of your peehole gets to the buttons or the zippers.

do men orgasm out of the same hole they pee out of - Our educational system at work, ladies and gentlemen.  

gay teens drenched in water from cows anus - This is a very specific search, and I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to help you with anything except perhaps the water. I have no access to gay teens, nor do I happen to have a cow's anus handy.  Although I'm sure that for a reasonable fee, I could -- no.  I've said too much.

how to make fast zombies climb - First of all, fast zombies are not your bitch.  You don't make them do anything.  From all available evidence, the overriding requirements necessary to persuade fast zombies to climb is for you to (1) have live brains,  and (2) be on something high. They will handle the climbing part all by themselves.

tiny ass tongs -- I'm sure I can help you, but first we have to clear up your lack of punctuation.  Are you looking for tiny-ass tongs, which can be used to grab all manner of tiny things, asses included, or are you looking for tiny ass-tongs, which serve the one particular purpose of grabbing a tiny ass and nothing else?  My opinion is to go with the first one, because they're much more versatile.  You don't see too many tiny asses these days, so at least if you have the first one, you can use it to pick the raisins out of your raisin bran or something if there are no tiny asses within reach.  On the other hand, if you get the tiny ass-tongs, they will spend the majority of their time stuffed in the back of the kitchen junk drawer, and even if you see a tiny ass you want to use them on, you'll never get to them in time. There's way too much shit in that drawer and you really should clean it out.

wording to get friend to go to lunch -- I've had much success with "Hey, do you feel like going to lunch?"  If you've been saying something like "Feel, Lunch do hey to like going?" then I suggest you try my wording instead because I think you'll have better luck.

do people like to be forced to wear a butt plug in public -- My guess would be no, and I'm thinking they probably don't like to be forced to wear a butt plug in private, either. And as an aside, what's up with all you butt-pluggers?  Can't you think of a better way to spend your free time?  Jesus.

how does a door knob work? - Damn dogs.  They're always on the Internet when nobody's home.  That's why I hate them.

i force my old granny to turn her butthole to me stories -- I'm not positive how to help you, but I will try.  I am pretty sure there are no such stories published, however, that being said, it's conceivable that there could be an untapped market for granny-turning butthole tales of some sort and you could be the first author to bring such tales to the masses.  Maybe even different genres.  Westerns, Sci-Fi, Tales of Mystery and Suspense, you name it.   Something like this, perhaps.

So this could be your big chance.  Hell, if that 50 shades of Grey piece of shit can make a trillion dollars, the world should be your oyster.  Pick up a pen and go for it.  Cut your granny in for a piece of the action though. It's only fair.

ah me big labia  -- I have to say, this one caught me entirely by surprise.  I had no idea the Lucky Charms leprechaun had a sex-change operation.  I wish him luck.  And Lucky, if you're reading this, good choice on the XL labia, by the way.  I'd lose the heels though -- at least until you learn to walk in them. You look ridiculous.

So that's it, all my best searches this week. I hope you enjoyed them as much as I did.

Also, on a completely unrelated topic, this little shit needs a good beat down.

21 comments:

  1. Oh man. I needed a good laugh tonight. These were pure awesome.

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    1. Don't thank me, thank the perverted Google searchers.

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  2. Nice way to recover after a long road trip (720 miles between Friday and today)! I needed to guffaw!

    Peace <3
    Jay

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    1. Man, that sounds like hell. I hope you have a comfortable car!

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    2. Nissan XTerra with new tires! I can almost fall asleep while driving it!
      Jay

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  3. I wish it would link what posts led those searches to you. I've read all the archives and I don't remember any granny porn, butt plugs or Irish labia. However, if you know of a place that does layaway on your Buttpolisher7000, can you let me know?

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    1. I think it's random terms. I've talked about all three of those things in the past. Although it may not have been Irish.

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  4. Oh, my gosh ... you have ruined my eye makeup yet again. Daggone-it. Thank you!

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    1. You're welcome. And speaking of punctuation issues, are you the wife of a hot cop, or the hot wife of a cop?

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  5. You crack me up JV. I FINALLY read your book, after it sitting on my shelf for two years. I'm now that lady that laughs randomly on the subway. I think people are starting to think I'm nuts. I got to the part this morning about your Mom, and I got so into it that I missed my stop, had to backtrack, and I was late for work. Thanks for another good laugh!

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    1. Wow! Two years! That's amazing. I'm glad you don't hate it. That would be a big letdown after two years.

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    2. Right? I feel terrible that I waited so long, but I think I needed it when I read it. It made me remember a lot of my own happy memories. Also, you should feel totally awesome. That book went from Oklahoma to San Francisco, to Oklahoma, and back to San Francisco with me. Every time I pared down all the shit I own, that book made the cut. I'm so glad I kept it and finally read it! I finished it last night and I was really sad it was over.

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    3. Wow, I'm truly honored.

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  6. JV, you've done it again - reduced me to a stomach-clutching, tear-squirting wreck lying on my reception desk, hoping nobody walking through the lobby notices my hysterical cackling. I really should have learned by now to restrict reading your blog to the privacy of my own home, but no, I just had to dive in....

    I would SO buy that toilet. I think they sell similar ones in Japan. As for your comment on the door knob question, I think I'll be quoting that. Did you get a query right afterwards regarding opposable thumbs?

    However, I have an issue with your comment on the pee-hole question. As a young female just learning the facts of life, that is actually something I wondered about. It just seemed technically impossible for some reason. There was no sex ed in my elementary school, no friendly Internet to consult, and I wasn't about to ask my brothers or dad (my brothers are younger and probably didn't know anyway). Perhaps the library might have yielded an answer but I wasn't the type of kid to venture into the medical textbook section looking for Things I Shouldn't See. So, personally, I can't blame the poor slob who Googled that. Just sayin'!

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    1. OK, I'll concede your point on the peehole research. I remember my pre-highschool sex education consisted of watching a neighborhood girl drop trou and pee at the bus stop.

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  7. I've been waiting for the next installment of this for a long time and it was worth the wait!

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  8. Had to remove my glasses to clear the laughing tears in order to see my screen and continue reading. Hilarious!!

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  9. Johnny, you've done it again! Thanks for the laughs! As for the beating of the little shit, I couldn't agree more!!!

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  10. LOL How did I know that you were talking about him before you clicked on the link? LMAO He is definitely everyone's favorite whipping boy. However, I live on the other side of that street, in that I have a 15yo daughter who has been obsessed with him for a long time. I can only hope one of them grows up soon!! And loved your post as always!!!

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  11. I loved your description of the fancy bathroom. What does that say about me when my favorite part is the "potty humor" and I get after my own kids for that.

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  12. Oh Dude! I love the stories of your vacations and of course the stories of your childhood are amazing but for flat out hysterical belly laughs these stupid Google search posts do the trick. I wouldn't want it to be all you post but they really are sooooo funny! Thanks for the years of laughs, never ever stop.

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