8/1/13

Fly me to the moon.

The other day I woke up at my normal and customary and totally insane time of 4:15 to get ready for my lovely commute, and as I usually do, I sat down for a second and checked my e-mail.  I saw a new e-mail from a friend of mine and the subject was simply "Good Morning."   It was just a link, but it's one I think everyone needs to see because it's very important.

You can view it here.  Go ahead, I'll wait.

See, this is why I don't travel.  OK, I've been to Mexico and the Caribbean, and granted, they have bugs there that can kill you, (Chagas, anyone? No? Malaria? No? You're good? You sure?) but this is pure grossness.

First of all,  how fast can that thing crank out eggs?   It was in this woman's ear for a split second and it had time to sit around and lay eggs?  I guess it stands to reason since it's called the "New World Army Screw Worm Fly." Not only does that sound like something that could lay a dozen eggs in a half a second with crack precision, but it also sounds like something that should be carrying a teeny tiny M-16 and a wearing a beret as it flies into battle.


Another question:  Was she drunk off her ass the whole time?  How the hell do you not know that there's something eating the inside of your head the second it starts?

I can only assume that the maggots were all crapping their little maggoty hearts out in there too, which is even worse. First you get eaten, then you get crapped on, and in a cruel twist of fate, the crap is made of you.  It's the ultimate indignity.  I gotta say, if it had been me, the second those eggs hatched and I heard something that sounded like someone eating tiny Doritos inside my head, I'd have been at my fucking ear with a screwdriver and a blowtorch.  I've had a ladybug in my ear before and even that sounded as big as a John Deere tractor inside my head while it was crawling around looking for the way out. I practically ruptured my eardrum with a turkey baster trying to get it out.

And can you believe someone with a medical diploma on their wall said, "Before we do anything else, let's fill your ear with olive oil."  Yeah, that sounds like it'll work.  Why not throw in some croutons and a little vinegar and make a salad? Jesus. And what if it actually DID work? Then you've got an ear burrow full of dead maggots, which can only cause a major case of ear odor and attract more flies. Bad decisions all around.

(As an aside, I'd like to say that I've never had maggots in my ear, but I've had them in my Milky Way bar.  I discovered it after I had eaten one of those "fun size" bars and then found 2 maggots in the wrapper.  In retrospect I thought it had tasted a little funny, but I just figured it was old.)

We have deer flies up here, and the season lasts about a month.  When the humidity is high, you can't go outside without being instantly swarmed by these little bastards, and they bite like Mike Tyson. I was told once that this particular type of fly will actually lay eggs in a deer's nostrils and the maggots will hatch and eat the deer's brain, but I have no idea if that's true or not.*

But there is a solution, and I just found out about it recently.  I was walking down the street a while ago, swatting madly at the swarm of deer flies around my head when I walked past a neighbor's house and he saw me.  He came out and asked me if I ever heard of TredNots.  I said no, and he proceeded to give me a packet of them.  Basically, they are flytraps for your head.  You slap one on the back of your baseball cap, and in no time at all, you look like this:


Which is disgusting, but that's not even the half of it, because what you can't see in the picture is the incessant buzzing that a dozen flies can make when their legs are stuck and their wings aren't.  Eventually everything will simmer down and their wings will get stuck too, but until that happens you feel like you're infested.  (Also: Why the hell don't movie zombies ever have flies?  You'd think that would be a given.)  Anyway, when you're doing work around the house or the farm or whatever, these things are a lifesaver.  His wife (and mine) both hate them, but they get bit and we don't so we win.

I have a couple of tips for you though -- One, don't forget you're wearing it and then go to say, Home Depot and wonder why everyone is looking at you and gagging.  Two, don't sit down in a rocking chair to relax for a few minutes and put your hands behind your head.   You will regret both these things.

I know this for a fact.

* I tried looking it up but ended up at Yahoo Answers, which should really be called Yahoo Stupid Answers by Idiots because I've never seen a valid answer there, ever.  The best answer to "Can a fly lay eggs in your nose so that maggots eat your brain?" was "Flies lay eggs in poop, and even if it did, the babies could never crawl into your brain."  So that's good to know.  I would totally let flies into my nose without fear after reading that sage advice.

12 comments:

  1. UGH! GROSS! PUKE!!!

    HAHAHAHAHA

    Peace <3
    Jay

    ReplyDelete
  2. I had a moth fly into my ear once. I was walking through the woods at night with a flashlight, and when it flew into my ear, I tripped on a root and fell down, screaming like a little girl all the while. Oh, and I should mention that I was 11 and at my first summer camp sleepover.

    Yeah. Winning.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It could have been worse. At least it didn't lay eggs.

      Delete
  3. My "friend" sent me that same link. A few yrs ago I was laying down in bed to read before sleep, and after turning on the light and settling in, a spider crawled out of the lamp, hit my shoulder and crawled into my ear. It happened so fast. By the time I felt something on my neck, he was already in. I started jumping around and whacking the right side of my head, and practically pulling my ear off. I was yelling "Spider Spider Spider!!", while my wife was laughing her ass off. The spider fell out of my ear, hit the sheets and had the balls to start coming at me again. I was stunned for a second, looking at a rather large black spider that you wouldn't think would fit in your ear. Then I smashed the hell out of it, while my wife rolled off the bed in laughter. Imagine if it decided to camp out for a while! How the hell would you get it out? I'll have to pick up a turkey baster.

    My buddy also recommended sleeping with pantyhose on your head to keep the bugs out of your ears. He saw it on 'Raising Hope' and immediately called me.

    Thanks for the reminder. I'll have to hit up Target for a Turkey baster and some pantyhose today.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You should throw in a pair of 6" heels and a bottle of baby oil just to mess with the cashier's head. Also, I am going to use the pantyhose idea the next time I go to Mexico.

      Delete
    2. This should make for some interesting vacation pictures.

      Delete
  4. Oh ick. I didn't even read the article - I saw the title and noped the hell out of there. But you get my vote on PSA of the year. Do those strips work on the horrible black flies that ate my husband up while he was in your neck of the woods? I want to get him some for Christmas if they do.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The black flies are only around from about mid may to mid june, then the deer flies take over. I don't think they'd work on black flies. The only thing that works on black flies is something like this: http://www.seatosummit.com/products/display/9

      Delete
  5. I'm pretty sure that oil (usually mixed with a little lidocaine to numb everything) is what ER doctors use to kill roaches that have crawled into people's ears before they try to grab them with forceps.

    Yes, roaches crawling into your ears while you sleep. I feel I can't really whine about anything since I've never lived in a place where I had to sleep with cotton balls in my ears to avoid this particular problem. And you don't even have to leave the country...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Panty hose. I would wear panty hose on my head 24x7.

      Delete
  6. The fly you are trying to find is called the "Botfly". Our meat animal science prof affectionately referred to them as "snot bots" because of the high incidence of these flies laying their eggs in sheep and cattle nostrils (they also like the poop matted hinder/flank areas). The larvae (the "bots") drill down into the animal's nasal cavity or rectal tissue. And yes, humans can be parasitized as well. Youtube has some pretty ghoulish botfly removal videos, if you're interested. Deer hunters are familiar with these flies, as they turn up regularly when the deer are field dressed or processed. Hell, apparently the bots are a fine source of protein for Laplanders... You're welcome.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I refuse to click that link... I also refuse to read most of this. I had nightmares for I don't know how long over a photoshopped picture of a woman with bugs in her boob...

    Curiosity might kill me but I WILL NOT GIVE IN. Seriously... I can only read a few words of this post, and then only a few of the first comment without going "EEEEK" and clicking away.

    ReplyDelete