7/29/11

Free Chair.

Since I am now an expert at giving away free stuff, as witnessed by my record-breaking three-minute giveaway of Some Kind Of Ass Building Torture Device, I have decided to help out other folks who have free stuff to give away.

There's a really nice recliner out in front of a house near me, and it's been there for two weeks without a single bite. I figure it's a marketing problem. Who wants a smelly used chair, am I right?

I made this sign and put it on the chair, and I'm pretty sure it addresses most peoples' main reservation about taking a free chair from the side of the road:



As of last night, the chair was still there, but I'm certain it's only a matter of time.

Also, typing is really hard because I chopped off the top half-inch of my index finger the other night. I can't wait to tell you about that little piece of stupidity.

Off to raid the Vicodin bottle. Wish me luck.

21 comments:

  1. Anonymous4:36 PM

    Jeez Johnny...what were you thinking? Don't you know people count on you to type your witty blog and entertain them???

    Hope your finger feels better soon.

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  2. My husband would have that chair in the back of his truck and on my porch in about two seconds. :) We are not hillbillies, but he has done it in the past. We finally got rid of our "porch chair" and I made him promise he would never do that again. However, every time we drive by a chair or couch on the side of the road he still tries to talk me into it... Geez. Maybe I did marry a hillbilly! lol

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  3. PS... Sorry to hear about the finger!

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  4. Ouch...been there done that, got the f**ked up looking fingernail...I was going to comment on your last blog but the verification word was peniss, and that was just too weird.

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  5. @Rick - NFW, that is bizarre!

    JV, can't wait to hear this one. Get a prosthetic finger, for God's sake, and tell us the story.

    (Seriously, OW, and I'm very sorry. I hope it's going to be okay!)

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  6. "Professionally removed"? What does one do to become a professional fart remover? Is there a school?

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  7. By the way, sorry to hear about your finger. Almost equally sorry to hear about Pixie's hillbilly husband.

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  8. i know i'm getting closer to the cabin when i start to notice sofas on the porches of all the farmhouses... that chair looks a lot like the one my upstairs neighbor guys tossed off their balcony one day back in college. i think someone barfed on it, and instead of cleaning it up they threw it out. literally. sometimes i miss those guys...

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  9. Holy Cleaver, Batman, no! That's certainly going to put a limp in your typing gait. Very sorry to hear this. Maybe you should offer to review the new model of Cuisinart food processors, so you can get one for free and be done with the kitchen grunt work forever?

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  10. I like your marketing. There were a bunch of signs for garage and yard sales in my neighborhood last weekend...same old, same old...except for one that was designated as "Crazy Mike's Yard Sale." I don't usually go to yard sales, but I almost went to this one just to see Crazy Mike.

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  11. I would go to a yard sale hosted by someone named "Crazy Mike" in a heartbeat! I just hope he doesn't have jars of body parts for sale.

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  12. Put it in your truck, take it to the salvation army. Get a receipt and claim $75 off your taxes.

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  13. I wish you had helped us market our last home. Maybe I wouldn't have had to shell out 30,000 fucking dollars at closing.

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  14. I once cut off the end of my thumb with a meat slicer. Hope your story's as good.

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  15. I fear that missing a part of your finger may negatively impact your blog... Hopefully the Vicoden will positively influence the blog! Get well soon Johnny! Be more careful you! One more thing, Dud-A-Chum, Did-A-Chick, Dod-A-Chock!

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  16. Anonymous10:50 AM

    If the ER wasn't able to save your fingertip there is some new stuff called 'Matristem' that you can use to actually GROW IT BACK! Go check it out.

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  17. kristina11:23 AM

    My favourite sign on a pile of stuff at the end of a drive-way someone was hoping some suckers would take away was "FREE SHIT".

    Yep, that would inspire me to look through the pile of crap... not! I think they desperately needed your literary expertise.

    Re: finger - While I am sorry you are in pain (and horribly disfigured for life!), I look forward to the story. Well, at least, your telling of the story. Blood and guts, not so much...

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  18. My dad tells the story that the best sign he ever saw on the side of the road was next to some old windows. It said "Free or best offer."

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  19. You should put a price tag on it. It'll be gone in an hour.

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  20. Anonymous7:39 PM

    My sisters in laws lived in a pretty nice neighborhood. When they needed to get rid of something they put it out front with a reasonable price tag on it. It was usually stolen within a few hours.

    For whatever reason if it is free it is worthless, but if it has a price it is worth stealing. On the rare occasion someone offered to pay they just gave it to them.

    Roger

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