I've got chicken in my beard.

I have a few things to talk about today. After hearing so much about it for so long, I finally saw the commercial for the KFC double-down last night, and it totally reminded me of the "taco town" SNL skit.

For those of you who don't have televisions, here is a picture of the double down:

Two fried chicken breasts, two strips of bacon, two melted slices of Monterey Jack and Pepper Jack cheese and the Colonel's "special sauce" whatever that is. I'm sure it's probably just ketchup mixed with mayonnaise or something. I tend to stay far, far away from fast food, but in case anyone is going to actually try this thing, here's the damage:

540 calories, 32 grams of fat and 1,380 milligrams of sodium. If you're feeling particularly health conscious, you can go for the "grilled" version, which only has 460 calories, 23 grams of fat and 1,430 milligrams of sodium. (I am pretty sure I'd have to be dating this girl to be eating that much salt on a regular basis.)

How does the grilled version have more salt? This whole creation really just boggles my mind. Just reading the description practically gives me cramps and makes me want to preemptively run to the bathroom. Anyway, I think someone needs to try one of these asap and report back to me. In fact, if you actually take a picture of yourself eating one and send it to me, I will write a short story about you and post it here.

In other news, I've become instantly 33.3% more evil by shaving my beard into a goatee. (I've also taken to walking around with a flashlight held under my chin at all times to heighten this effect. )

Well, that's not entirely true -- I don't really have the flashlight, and the traditional goatee technically has no mustache part. I have the mustache/goatee combo, so it's probably a variation of a VanDyke, but these days, they've all been genericized so "goatee" pretty much covers it. I'm not sure if I'll keep it yet. It's work, and I don't like work.

So here's how this happened. At various times over the years, friends of mine had them and some still do -- even Yort had one at one time, but people kept asking him about his kung-fu grip, so he shaved it off. I got curious one day, because I didn't really know how to shave one, so I googled it, looking for a template or some detailed instructions. What I found instead was a commercial that cracked my ass up. Seriously, it is better than most of the fake commercials on SNL. I include it here for your viewing pleasure:

If you didn't notice it, watch it again and check the expression on the girl's face at about :58 seconds, right before she walks off the screen. She's thinking "I can't believe I'm doing this." which is saying something coming from an ex-porn star.

Needless to say, I had to have one - if only to get ex-porn stars to fondle me. (Note: that hasn't happened yet) I found the company's website and sent them an e-mail, telling them I ran a somewhat successful humor blog. I offered to review the GoateeSaver if they sent me one, and they went for it. It showed up a few weeks ago, but I didn't have the balls to try it until this past weekend.

As you saw in the video, here's what it looks like from the back:

Basically, you jam it into your mouth and bite down on it, then shave around it. A drunk guy could do it. (Which, incidentally, brings up how I actually had the nerve to try it.)

Also, it has other uses. It would be a good thing to carry around just in case you happened upon someone having an epileptic fit, to keep them from biting their tongue. It totally reminds me of how a scuba-diving regulator feels in your mouth, or that rubber thing they stick in your mouth before they give you electro-shock therapy.

Perhaps I've said too much.

Anyway, I tried it, and the funny thing is, cheesy videos aside, it actually works as advertised.

Well, not so much the part about being instantly fondled from behind by porn chicks, or gaining a douchebag attitude. (I'm thinking those might come later, after extended use.) However, when I was done, I unclenched my jaw and I had a mostly perfect goatee.

It was like a little pet for my face. This thing, as stupid as it may look, is actually great for idiots like me who tend to shave early in the morning when they are half asleep and carve into something they shouldn't. Of course, it's like $20 if you buy one, but still....it saves you time in the morning, and prevents inadvertent hatchet jobs, so maybe it's worth it.

At the very least, now when I'm in a meeting at work, I can stroke my goatee and pretend like I'm deep in thought, formulating my evil plans. Or thinking about the latest e-mail client refresh, which basically amounts to the same thing.

I also found that if I combine it with a black cloak and my ski goggles, I can jack up the evil at least one thousand percent:

You will all address me as Emperor from this moment forward, or there will be consequences.

Don't make me force-choke your asses.