5/11/10

I've got chicken in my beard.

I have a few things to talk about today. After hearing so much about it for so long, I finally saw the commercial for the KFC double-down last night, and it totally reminded me of the "taco town" SNL skit.

For those of you who don't have televisions, here is a picture of the double down:


Two fried chicken breasts, two strips of bacon, two melted slices of Monterey Jack and Pepper Jack cheese and the Colonel's "special sauce" whatever that is. I'm sure it's probably just ketchup mixed with mayonnaise or something. I tend to stay far, far away from fast food, but in case anyone is going to actually try this thing, here's the damage:

540 calories, 32 grams of fat and 1,380 milligrams of sodium. If you're feeling particularly health conscious, you can go for the "grilled" version, which only has 460 calories, 23 grams of fat and 1,430 milligrams of sodium. (I am pretty sure I'd have to be dating this girl to be eating that much salt on a regular basis.)

How does the grilled version have more salt? This whole creation really just boggles my mind. Just reading the description practically gives me cramps and makes me want to preemptively run to the bathroom. Anyway, I think someone needs to try one of these asap and report back to me. In fact, if you actually take a picture of yourself eating one and send it to me, I will write a short story about you and post it here.

In other news, I've become instantly 33.3% more evil by shaving my beard into a goatee. (I've also taken to walking around with a flashlight held under my chin at all times to heighten this effect. )

Well, that's not entirely true -- I don't really have the flashlight, and the traditional goatee technically has no mustache part. I have the mustache/goatee combo, so it's probably a variation of a VanDyke, but these days, they've all been genericized so "goatee" pretty much covers it. I'm not sure if I'll keep it yet. It's work, and I don't like work.

So here's how this happened. At various times over the years, friends of mine had them and some still do -- even Yort had one at one time, but people kept asking him about his kung-fu grip, so he shaved it off. I got curious one day, because I didn't really know how to shave one, so I googled it, looking for a template or some detailed instructions. What I found instead was a commercial that cracked my ass up. Seriously, it is better than most of the fake commercials on SNL. I include it here for your viewing pleasure:



If you didn't notice it, watch it again and check the expression on the girl's face at about :58 seconds, right before she walks off the screen. She's thinking "I can't believe I'm doing this." which is saying something coming from an ex-porn star.

Needless to say, I had to have one - if only to get ex-porn stars to fondle me. (Note: that hasn't happened yet) I found the company's website and sent them an e-mail, telling them I ran a somewhat successful humor blog. I offered to review the GoateeSaver if they sent me one, and they went for it. It showed up a few weeks ago, but I didn't have the balls to try it until this past weekend.

As you saw in the video, here's what it looks like from the back:



Basically, you jam it into your mouth and bite down on it, then shave around it. A drunk guy could do it. (Which, incidentally, brings up how I actually had the nerve to try it.)

Also, it has other uses. It would be a good thing to carry around just in case you happened upon someone having an epileptic fit, to keep them from biting their tongue. It totally reminds me of how a scuba-diving regulator feels in your mouth, or that rubber thing they stick in your mouth before they give you electro-shock therapy.

Perhaps I've said too much.

Anyway, I tried it, and the funny thing is, cheesy videos aside, it actually works as advertised.

Well, not so much the part about being instantly fondled from behind by porn chicks, or gaining a douchebag attitude. (I'm thinking those might come later, after extended use.) However, when I was done, I unclenched my jaw and I had a mostly perfect goatee.

It was like a little pet for my face. This thing, as stupid as it may look, is actually great for idiots like me who tend to shave early in the morning when they are half asleep and carve into something they shouldn't. Of course, it's like $20 if you buy one, but still....it saves you time in the morning, and prevents inadvertent hatchet jobs, so maybe it's worth it.

At the very least, now when I'm in a meeting at work, I can stroke my goatee and pretend like I'm deep in thought, formulating my evil plans. Or thinking about the latest e-mail client refresh, which basically amounts to the same thing.

I also found that if I combine it with a black cloak and my ski goggles, I can jack up the evil at least one thousand percent:


You will all address me as Emperor from this moment forward, or there will be consequences.

Don't make me force-choke your asses.




47 comments:

  1. The line about the Morton's salt girl... Bazinga.

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  2. Alright, I have only one question. What the hell are the razor sharp blades on the outside of the G.S. for? When I first saw the picture of it, I was thinking it was going to be some razor attachment called the mach 12 or something. Do they have any purpose other than making a great darth vader costume addition?

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  3. They are like turnbuckles to adjust it to your face shape. But I always did think Vader needed some chrome.

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  4. Good times...good times.

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  5. Sorry I can't think of any way to make this funny, but here's an interesting bit of food info: in general, with processed foods, if it is reduced in fat it is higher in sodium. SO that is something to watch out for if you're aiming for a diet lower in fat.

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  6. I'm actually surprised that the KFC thing isn't higher in calories. I guess that proves that nasty/weird isn't necessarily the same thing as fattening. The salt intake comment though...subtly dirty genius.

    That goatee thing seems like a good idea, but if you didn't use it and slipped, you could always go for the soul patch .

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  7. That is so awesome they sent it to you!

    Did you send them your website so they can read your kick ass review?

    I'll be laughing all the way to KFC.....

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  8. you kill me...the Morton Salt girl reference...classic.

    you never cease to amaze me.

    thanks for the laughs!

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  9. $20? Rip off.. That's a pretty stupid product! Something that should be in an infomercial that's relatively disposable and costs $7.99 plus s&h (And 3 extra free! Call now!) and only old guys buy and then forget they own and end up chucking it in a drawer someplace and forgetting about it. Perhaps I'm just being too critical. At least the commercial is rockin' with that shitty space-age background music/noise.

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  10. Only you, JV, could do a post that goes from KFC to a goatee shaver to Darth Vader and make it work.

    Bravo!

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  11. Upstate Broad10:25 PM

    JV - ya wanna see some REALLY unhealthy fast food? Take a look at any of the chains that only exist down here in the south. Hardee's has some winners that have more fat, calories and sodium than you should consume in an entire day. And that's for breakfast.

    And Erica? You get to decide it's a stupid product when you can trim your own goatee with it. Did you not read the column where our fearsome leader actually had a rather favorable opinion of it? I don't ask men for their reviews of specifically female products (tampons come to mind), do you?

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  12. Nice. You might have to add a BMW or an F350 if you really want the douchebag attitude to shine. My stylist (back when I had enough hair to need one) pointed out that having your goatee taper in from top to bottom makes your face look thinner. Just saying.

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  13. Just a protip: I've been frying up an egg and slapping it in my Double Down to make a glorious, artery-wrenching orgasm in my mouth. Oh, and a little hollandaise goes great with it.

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  14. Dearest Emperor, Han is not returning my calls, can we kidnap him again?

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  15. How much do they want for that gizmo? Geez, I bet you could get the same effect with a dust mask from Home Depot.

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  16. Anonymous4:52 AM

    I'm not sure wether I should be glad or sad that I'm from Australia and we do not have these "Double Downs" of yours. XD

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  17. Emily5:49 AM

    Oh, yeah;
    http://thisiswhyyourefat.com/

    Scroll down to the "Elvis Double Down"...

    "A KFC Double Down sandwich topped with peanut butter and bananas sandwiched between two pieces of toasted bread."

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  18. Emily - I don't know what disturbs me more. The fact that you found those images, or the fact that you found the website that's been spamming me about twice a week for the last 2 months. Nothing like getting an email first thing in the morning entitled "This is why you're fat"...

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  19. Anonymous8:40 AM

    Hmmm... Just tried to send this and it didn't seem to go through.

    I was thinking of contacting the company and proposing a bikini line triming aid. At the risk of having one of your readers beat me to the pattent - it kind of looks like something you'd use to quiet down a giant teething baby.

    Dave

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  20. Johnny, since no one has volunteered, I will.

    I'm going to buy one of those sammiches today, and I'll send you a picture this evening.

    I've lost 48 pounds in 2 months. If this sets me back, so help me God...

    But yeah. I'm on it.

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  21. long time reader, first time commenter. well. I had a double down last week as a reward for finishing my law school exams. I took pictures, I took flack. It was kinda fun. I had sort of a whole week devoted to the double down on facebook. I had to post a comparison of all the fast food killers when everyone was convinced I would gain 200lbs or die of a stroke immediately. The sandwich really wasn't that bad. Could've used more bacon. And cheese.

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  22. Anonymous11:35 AM

    Great posting(s) as always, Johnny - er, My Lordship.

    I have to say, that SNL ad had me laughing my ass cleeeaaaan off... Except I think they forgot the mayonnaise - tsk. Thanks for the find!

    cheers -

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  23. wow... what'll they think of next?

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  24. My husband has had a goatee for a long time - then he shaved his now. Now gay guys hit on him. He shaved the goatee off.

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  25. Anonymous3:33 PM

    Okay, I admit I tried one of the KFC sandwiches (plus potato wedges and an extra large Pepsi for an additional 20 cents!). As soon as you look at this sandwich, you KNOW it is among the worst things you could possibly eat. And perhaps one of the tastiest. (Why is it the good tasting stuff is so bad for you?) Pretty much like all KFC stuff, it tastes great--salty, fat, just generally yummy. Not on my P90X workout diet plan, but worth doing once. Mick

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  26. I was obsessed with the Double Down until I tried it (sadly, no pictures). It had so much potential, but to be honest, it was a major letdown.

    Caveat is that I stupidly tried the grilled version. I didn't even finish it because it was such a weird combination of slimy and chalky, all slathered in bland chipotle mayo.

    I expect so much more from food that involves bacon!

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  27. goatees make me think of one thing: maynard g. krebs.

    also, you couldn't pay me to eat a KFC double down. at least not withotu a crashcart present.

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  28. My teenage sons told me that kids these days refer to "Hot Pockets" as the act of pooping a terd between someone's mattresses and leaving it there to ferment till someone discovers it. Just sayin' that KFC sandwich somehow reminded me of that.

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  29. JV (I *can* call you that, can't I?): to be truly evil you must first read this book: How to Be a Villain: Evil Laughs, Secret Lairs, Master Plans and More!!! I keep it at work as a desk reference. It made me laugh almost as much as your blog does. And another thing, I can't even think about Darth Vader anymore without reliving the Lego version of the Canteen Incident. For the uninitiated, you'll find it on YouTube. So your post had me laughing on so many levels. Now I must go and give some thought to my henchmen recruiting strategy.

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  30. No wonder my takeover of the universe has been unsuccessful so far! I don't have a goatee. Dang it.

    The grimace that girl made was the best. I can't believe they didn't edit it out.

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  31. Delicious post (in a twisted kind of way), Your Majesty.

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  32. Make sure you show Luke how to use that thing when he is old enough. Mayerci! you look good!

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  33. EveryDay Reader5:09 PM

    Did anyone notice that the inventor of the Goatee Saver is named Scott Bonge?

    Anyway, I'm sure it does some good. I used to see men with mustaches and/or beards that were slightly skewed and not at all symmetrical. Once it's shaved, there isn't much they can do about it.

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  34. The difference between the guy in the demonstration and the so-called "satisfied users" reminds me of the Windows PC commercials on TV right now. The ones for whatever the newest version of Windows is, where the person talks to the camera like they're responsible for inventing the software. They narrate while a much better looking actor stands in their place...heh...nice one.

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  35. hahaha that commercial is just amazing. I am so glad that you shared that, and also that you are a more evil person now with your goatee. Also, I just had 3 heart attacks just looking at that double down pic.

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  36. I'm going to invent a similar product to allow one to create a perfect Brazilian.

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  37. kc, it's nasty weird AND fattening. And I'm thinking maybe I'll rock the chinstrap.

    Willy, no I didn't - not yet.

    Melissa, you are entirely welcome for the laughs. We're here all week. Try the veal.

    9:26 PM


    Erica, did you cut yourself shaving this morning? I look at it like this - I probably spend more than 20 bucks on coffee every week. Would I buy one? No. But mostly because I probably won't have the goatee for long. But I think 20 bucks is a fair price point. After all, they have strippers and blow to pay for.

    Ima, I'm just rambling, but I'll take your bravo. Thank you.

    Upstate Broad, I thought sausage mcmuffin with egg was bad..also, I recall posting my opinion about a certain set of useless "wings" at one point...

    Chris, I was thinking maybe a camaro. Also, I think I'd have to go the other way to make my face look fatter.

    Cory, that's awesome. Send me a pic if you're still alive.

    Reiven, go for it. This time forgo the carbonite and try slipping him a double down. That sounds dirty.

    Patty, I tried that but I ended up with hairy stripes from the rubber bands.

    Anonymous, you should be glad. End of story.

    Emily, that's horrible.


    Anonymous Dave, what a great idea! You could call it The Pussifier.

    Travis, I'm still a-waitin. That's real.

    April, first off, congrats. That's a real accomplishment. Second, I really wish you would send me a picture because a short story just wrote itself in my head about a defense lawyer and death by double down.

    Anony, You're right. They did forget the may. It's probably in the special sauce though.

    Minivan, I don't understand what you wrote -- he shaved it and gay guys hit on him, or he grew one and they hit on him?

    Anonymous, I am 99% sure Tony Horton wouldn't approve.

    Girl1, you held back! You went grilled. You never go grilled.

    marianne, who the heck is that?

    Paula, that's disgusting. How could you not notice that immediately?

    Kathryn, I will totally hench for you.

    greenduckiesgirl you definitely need the goatee for world domination.

    Doreus, thanks!

    Alli, I am hoping you mean the light saber. Anything else would be...just weird.

    EveryDay Reader, I didn't! That poor bastard. And you're right. Who wants to go around looking like eddie money?

    Amanda, I hate all of them except for that one semi-cute girl with the french accent.

    carissa, thanks for stopping in. I AM more evil. I can feel it in my bones.

    Hat, sorry, anonymous Dave beat you to it. Although I thought the template for a full brazilian would be invisible?

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  38. Thanks for the congrats, but I’m not done yet. One more year. I’d be very disappointed if my reward for FINISHING law school was a double down. :) Anyway, I’d send you a pic, but I’d be humiliated and have to explain it to the bar. ;) I’d love to see the story, though!

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  39. Johnny Virgil you're one funny cat. I like your observations. The Goatee saver? Hilarity. I think I saw featured porn star actually strain her face and neck into that position your mouth would go into if you were pulling at one side of your shirt collar to express that you are uncomfortable with all this.
    I bid you and your well groomed goatee good day.

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  40. I cut my own hair, do you think they could make me a matching helmet?

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  41. I just brought one home along with a bucket *you can never have enough chicken in the house when you have an 18 year old*.. anyway. I wouldn't bother ordering again. Not at all as large as it's made to seem on TV and the taste was flat. BTW, the Colonels' special sauce was indeed something blended into mayo lollol... and thanks for the smiles I'm always wearing after reading you :)

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  42. :) J.V. Check your e-mail I sent you pics and a review :D - Lindy :)

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  43. Emily1:44 AM

    I thought the peanut butter and bannana version was bad- then I found 'this'...
    (yes, I'm a sadist. XD)
    http://topcultured.com/will-they-build-it-kfc-krispy-kreme-luther-double-down/

    Doughnuts *and* a double down? I think my ateries just clogged themselves looking at it...

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  44. JV your Email address in your contact info keeps coming back from Mailer-Daemon :( I've got pics and a reiview on the D.D. do you have a new address? :) If you're still up to it send me a note at lindy(dot)email(@)yahoo.com :)

    Have a good one! :)

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  45. Anonymous2:11 PM

    I just found the perfect gag gift for my goatee sporting husband.
    Excellent.
    RobinM

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  46. I like my arteries unclogged eww can't believe anyone would eat that. never mind sell it??!!

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  47. If you're following my lead, then I can provide the link for the Flowbee too...

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