5/5/10

Bones. Teeth. Dinner.

My wife is a big fan of the show "Bones" and I've seen quite a few episodes. Most of the time, the ones I see are in syndication, which means they're aired between 6 and 7 pm. An unfortunate consequence of this timing is that as putrid, maggot-infested flesh is falling off a human skeleton on my television, I am in the process of eating a nice rice and bean burrito covered in salsa, or perhaps some angel hair pasta and marinara.

It's pretty disgusting as crime dramas go, and it makes me very thankful that smell isn't yet one of the senses involved in watching a television show. If it ever does become a component of the entertainment experience, say, like 3D, it would not be a good thing for a show like Bones to include. Or a show like The Biggest Loser, now that I think about it.

Anyway, the last episode of Bones I happened to see is one in which they find a body being tumbled to pieces in an industrial front-loading clothes washer. After they stopped the washer, the pieces continued dropping from the top of the drum with soft "plop, plop" sounds, until a new low was reached and a testicle bounced out onto the floor. I don't think I watched the entire episode, but the whole washing machine bit stuck with me.

A few days later, I was doing a little wash of my own. I took some clothes out of the dryer, and saw what looked like a piece of gum stuck to one of the dryer vanes way in the back. (OK, I admit it. Occasionally, I've been known to forget to take my gum out of my pocket and once in a great while a piece will make it to the dryer and subsequently ruin of bunch of my shit or, god forbid, some article of clothing that my wife purchased for $300.00 an ounce. So I always stick my head in there and give it a look. You know. To hide any evidence.)

I reached up to grab the gum, and it felt a little...harder...than gum would normally be. That's because something was stuck to it:



Yes. An effing TOOTH. I immediately thought of that Bones episode. My tongue went instinctively to my molars. Nope. All there. I checked again, just because I was a little skeeved out.

I stood there, tooth in hand, and tried to think of a reasonable explanation. My wife's 90-year-old grandfather had swallowed one of his own teeth not too long ago, and other shit from bridges to babylon was always falling out of his mouth. Maybe it was one of his.

"Should I call him?" I wondered. "Ask him if he has any new unexplained gaps in his gums that he didn't think were there last week?"

I sent a text to my wife that said, "I feel like I'm in an episode of Bones. I found a fucking TOOTH in the dryer!" My thought here was that maybe she had been carrying around one of her grandfather's teeth that she found under his living room chair or something, and it had made its way into our laundry.

She sent me a text back that said, "Did you lose one?" I did another quick inventory. I couldn't help myself. One of my worst recurring nightmares is one in which my teeth fall out. Nope. No gaps. Where the hell did this tooth come from? I didn't remember killing a drifter.

Then I looked down at the pile of clothes that I had pulled out of the dryer and saw what I refer to as my "camping pants." They are 100% cotton, desert camo BDU pants that I pick up at the surplus store. I have a few pairs, because they're light, cut generously in the "crotchal area" for climbing, and -- they have lots of pockets.

Then it hit me. About 8 or ten months ago, I had been walking through the woods and found an ancient, bleached-white deer skull, and the teeth had been falling out. I remembered picking out a nice one and thinking that it would be the basis for a fine practical joke.

I know. I totally deserved it.


36 comments:

  1. i have recurring dreams/nightmares about my teeth falling out too. AWFUL!

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  2. I bow to your practical joking prowess. I've heard of people punking themselves before, but that was beautiful.

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  3. Upstate Broad11:10 PM

    Awesome. There just are no other words. Awesome.

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  4. haha...that's funny!!!!

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  5. *snort* Johnny, I've been following your blog for the last couple of years, and though I hardly ever comment, like Chris said, I bow to the master.

    FWIW- loosing one's teeth is a common nightmare, like showing up to school naked. "http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary/" has a nice bit about it, if you're curious.

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  6. Next year...you will be ready to hide your own Easter eggs.

    Oh look... there's one!

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  7. Here we see Karma laying low, biding its time, waiting to pounce, that's when the attack comes, poor JV never had a chance...

    Save the tooth, prank someone else with it, then if it ends up not being as funny as you'd hoped (like they call the cops on themselves and end up arrested) you can always tell them this story and get a giggle out of them, ya know, after you post bail.

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  8. Cowashee, I have the locker dream too.

    Chris, it's what deserve, I guess.

    UB, thanks. I wish I could have seen my own face.

    SWC, I had heard that it was a common dream. It's still disturbing. Thanks for the link!

    GP - I came >< that close to making that joke! I actually wrote it and then erased it because I hate to be predictable.

    Amy, oh I'll figure something out. Hopefully it won't involve me paying bail, but you never know...

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  9. Shit! At least it wasnt human...

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  10. a fine practical joke indeed...LOL

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  11. Hahaha. Riveting to the very end.

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  12. I hope your wife got a good laugh at your expense!

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  13. HAA!

    Nice! You totally PUNK'ed yourself 8 months later.

    Thats classic.

    Great post dude.

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  14. That reminds me.....orienteering this January, found a skull of maybe a fox? Guy with me stuck it in his BDU. I need to ask him if his wife found it.

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  15. that is a great story, and one i can completely relate to.
    Awesome!

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  16. First, let me congratulate you on being the first person to actually convince me I should watch Bones. People have been trying for years.

    Second, I'm laughing at you.

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  17. AAAAAAAHahahahahahaha!

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  18. First, I am one of the people that has tried to convince Shine to watch Bones...so thank you for making that happen.

    Second...I adore that you played a practical joke on yourself. Sounds like something I would do, but probably never figure out and instead create endless conspiracy theories.

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  19. you know, the wood chipper scene from fargo still skeeves me out.

    Hmmm... maybe why I live in the city? Yah, give me a good old fashioned gun shot or stabbing any day.

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  20. Awesome.

    I dream about my teeth falling out too. I thought it had some deep meaning until the dentist told me that I grind my teeth at night.

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  21. lmao, that is hilarious. I watched that episode too, good episode all the way through. and yes you did totally deserve it.

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  22. hey, at least you didn't find a testicle in your laundry...

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  23. Bwahahaha. I love karma. Oh, and I saw the episode of Bones last week and it was gross. Even more so than usual. I can't eat during that show or during CSI. These two shows appear to be having a gross-out contest lately. I think Bones is winning though.

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  24. That's classic. I hope you didn't fill your wife in on the full story until you had some fun with her. Like, a toe caught up in the corner of the sheets?

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  25. Sinclair10:23 PM

    Better to find the tooth in the dryer than in your marinara sauce.
    Well, there's an idea!

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  26. Ah Bones, source of nightmares and obscure thoughts. I remember one episode that my wife and I were watching that had a body that had been left hanging high in a tree. Suddenly the head came off and came crashing down. That's when I heard a small voice off to the side - one of my kids who was 5 at the time who said "Uh, was that someone's head?". Yeah, he'd snuck out of bed....and now we really make sure they're asleep before we watch that show.

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  27. I thought I was the only one in the whole world that had the dropping tooth recurring dream. I am now facing a replacement of a 5 tooth bridge - translate - $5,000.00. When "friends" suggest, "why don't you just pull the rest and get dentures - I puke at the thought. NOOOOO. Sorry about your gum - tooth and your wifes taste in TV. Be glad she isn't a nurse. The dinner conversation could be much worse. When my friends and I talk (we are nurses) the table clears in 2 sec flat. love your blog - the best evaaar! word verification "play mistie for me".

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  28. kristina2:08 PM

    Epic! Thanks for making my day...

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  29. This weblog is being featured on Five Star Friday!
    http://www.schmutzie.com/fivestarfriday/2010/5/7/five-star-fridays-edition-102.html

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  30. lone_amaruq5:05 PM

    Ahh. I can't stand these CSI genre shows. Not that I can't handle gore, it's just alot of these shows seem really fixated on that stuff. I don't want to zoom in on and x-ray someone's skull in slow motion while they die gruesomely, especially when I'm eating.
    I like SHOWCASE, the s**t still happens but it's off camera alot.
    PS; I had to check my teeths.

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  31. Bones rules.

    "cut generously in the "crotchal area" for climbing". Yes, yes-for climbing.

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  32. Disturbing... and hilarious!

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  33. I shrieked out loud when they said "it's not an eyeball. It's a testicle." Yes, that will be in my mind for a while. The scene, not the testicle.

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  34. You can't make this stuff up...... and I have the same dream about my teeth falling out. Wtf?

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  35. great post jv!! i can kinda picture wat ur face looked like wen u saw that thing. my uncle's front tooth once fell off while having corn, and the expression on his face was priceless!!! but now he's accepted it and sometimes uses it to balance his cigarette, lol. ;-)

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