Sometimes I get mail.

At least a few times a week, I get mail from people or companies looking for free advertising. They always pitch it as "Hey, I've got a funny idea for a blog post!" or "Here's a funny site!"

Just to show you the sort of high class companies that my blog attracts, I am going to share one of these e-mails with you.

To: me@verizon.net
Subject: funny idea for your blog!

Hey Johnny,

We have been enjoying your blog and thought you might be interested in our hilarious new product: the assbrella. It is the world's only umbrella featuring a huge picture of an ass! Check out our site at assbrellas.com for some pics and more info. Feel free to pass it along to your readers!

Thanks,

The Assbrellas Team

Problems I have with this e-mail in no particular order:

1. It's an ass. On an umbrella. And the top of the handle pokes out of the bunghole.
2. Asses look pretty damn creepy when there is nothing else attached to them.
3. They are lying their giant umbrella asses off when they say they've "been enjoying my blog."
4. They wouldn't give me one for free.
5. They have a team. Dedicated to the assbrella.

Picture this conversation:

Dad: "So, you want to marry my daughter? That's great, that's great. What business did you say you are in?"

ABGuy: "I'm a member of the Assbrellas team."

Dad: "Sounds impressive. I think I've heard of him. He's that Italian formula one race car driver, right? Antonio Aiezbrello?

ABGuy: "No. I am a member of a sales team that sells cheap chinese umbrellas. With pictures of hairy asses on them. You know. Assbrellas."

Dad: "Get the fuck out of my house."

So there you go. Order yours today.