1/22/08

I hate Fast Zombies.

Let's get something straight. Zombies should shuffle. They should walk with their hands straight out from their bodies. They should be easy to avoid, and easy to riddle with bullets. They are allowed to be relentless, hungry, and almost impossible to kill, sure -- but they shouldn't be fast. That just freaks me right the hell out.

Other things zombies* should definitely not be allowed to do:

(1) Climb walls and trees and poles like coked-up chimpanzees.
(2) Be completely hairless and in better shape than Will Smith who is also completely hairless.
(3) Unhinge their jaw and roar like a lion right before they run at you full speed and rip your throat out.
(4) Be more than 1/4 vampire.
(5) Be smart.

As you can probably surmise, we saw I am Legend last night. If you think the zombies in 28 Days Later were fast, I am here to say that you are sadly mistaken. I will bet money that the zombies I saw last night would kick major ass in a zombie triathlon against those UK zombies, if in fact you could reliably get zombies to bike and swim. They obviously have the running part more than covered.

Maybe if we replaced biking and swimming with climbing and killing, we could actually get this thing off the ground in time for Beijing -- although I did do a quick google search on 'Chinese zombies' and from what I could see, they appear to be a zombie-free nation.

OK, I'm off to my next class with the rest of the zombies. Luckily, they are of the slow-moving, over-eating, techie-geek persuasion, and I think I can move faster than most of them. Wish me luck.



[note: From reading the comments, I realized that my generic use of the term "zombies" might be slightly at odds with the traditional voodoo-reanimated corpse that is controlled, puppet-like, by the sorcerer/priest who raised it from the dead. So be it. Whatever these things were supposed to be -- I like the term "zompires" -- they were scary-fast bastards.]

*Or any other "virally-mutated" creatures, like those over at humor-blogs.com.

62 comments:

  1. I could handle 28 Days Later, but zombies going any faster than that would be absurd. Needless to say I won't be seeing I am Legend anytime soon.

    ReplyDelete
  2. See, the thing is, this new generation of "zombies" aren't even ACTUAL ZOMBIES, they are just all sick and crap with some kind of weird viruses (depending on the location).

    If they had actually taken the time and put in the effort to DIE before becoming zombies, then I am sure they would be much slower and behave like your traditional undead folks ought to behave.

    But no... zombies not even taking the time to properly die cannot really be expected to know how to behave in the steps after that.

    To be fair to I AM LEGEND... in the book, they were just vampires, not zombies. This is in no way suggesting you should read the book, because it was a steaming pile of offal. I'm just saying, the movie took some much needed liberties with it.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I hate to break it to you, but the "zombies" in I Am Legend are really full blown vampires. At least, according to the graphic novel. The problem is that the movie kind of follows a similar pattern as that of zombie films, so we assume they are zombies. They're not. Plus, you can only make so many good films about slow moving zombies with out just repeating the last one. They needed to do something to break new ground. Maybe, that's why they never actually say the word "zombie" in zombie films...

    ReplyDelete
  4. Also- in Resident Evil Extinction, there are slow zombies, along with FAST ONES!!!!

    I wonder if they would make moderately quick ones if they mated...

    ReplyDelete
  5. I wish that you had posted this blog about two weeks ago, as I do not enjoy movies that contain zombies (creatures/whatever) or intend to frighten you. So after my boyfriend had suggested this movie, I was not impressed to discover, while watching the film, that it contained many aspects of the things I DON'T want to watch. Needless to say, he owes me a REALLY horrible chick flik after this one.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Chinese zombies hop with their legs together, so they'll probably ace the high jump & stuff.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I know they were supposed to be vampires but they didn't even have sharp teeth. So I call them zombies. Good call on the not actually dying though.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Dude, I have no idea what you are talking about. I have been saying that alot lately though, so don't take it too personally.

    ReplyDelete
  9. kristina1:43 PM

    Zombies are actually really fast - they usually run ahead and then phase back to their original position very quickly to fool you into thinking they are slow...

    ReplyDelete
  10. Princess, I suggest 'The Holiday'

    ReplyDelete
  11. Now I know what my husband meant when he said, after seeing it by himself, "You'd-a hated it." I'm not sure if he meant because of the Zompires, or Will Smith. From the trailer, I found myself only caring that nothing should happen to his dog.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Shieldmaiden had better not go see it...

    I loved this movie. Haven't read the book. My 13 year old said "Best movie ever!" We like our zombies fast down in Australia. (Or slow and funny like in 'Shaun of the Dead.")

    ReplyDelete
  13. Yeah, Rickey didn't dig the "I Am Legend" dreck primarily because of the dog scene... Folks, you simply cannot kill a good loyal dog in a movie. It isn't done.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Well, Guess I won't be catching this one! It's not the fast zombies, it's the dog thing. Fast zombies are fine with me, as long as the hero can kill them.

    ReplyDelete
  15. You can't kill a loyal dog in a movie? Explain Old Yeller. While true, it was probably the most depressing movie I've ever seen, and I couldn't stop crying for days afterwards, it was still undeniably a great movie. And a dog doesn't get much more loyal than fighting off a rabid wolf near a fairly large fire in order to save its owner. RIP Old Yeller, RIP

    ReplyDelete
  16. I tried not to mention the dog. It made me cry during the movie, it made me cry after the movie, and it still makes me cry when I think about it. I agree. YOu just can NOT kill a loyal dog in a movie!!

    ReplyDelete
  17. I am a big fan of Shaun of the Dead myself. However, zombies, for the most part, give me the heebie-jeebies, and I stay far away from movies featuring them.

    I think it's the slowness that creeps me out the most.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Nancy - I don't think it's the slowness, it's the fact that even though they are slow, no matter how fast you run, they'll still catch up to you eventually, 'cos you have to rest. It's so much more sinister. If you escape a fast moving thing, you've escaped it. With a zombie, it's still on your trail... you just can't see it yet...

    Sheildmaiden - Zompires! Awesome. I'm going to be using that.

    As for the movie, not bad, but I felt that is should have ended when he was in the 4WD being attacked from all sides. From that point on, it kind of went downhill a little. Then it went downhill alot.

    ReplyDelete
  19. could not agree with you more. i like to think that i'd stand a chance, which anyone should be able to against the slow ones. fast ones? forget it. you're doomed.

    ReplyDelete
  20. hahaha yeah, those zombies were fast and not so dead..

    ReplyDelete
  21. "From the trailer, I found myself only caring that nothing should happen to his dog."

    Me too!

    ReplyDelete
  22. Holy cow, the geeks frighten me more than the zombies! Hope you left your dog at home...

    ReplyDelete
  23. we do have vampires / zombies too, just a lot less romantic but a lot more violent. we call them 殭屍. there is even a whole genre of movies dedicated to these chinese vampires!

    ReplyDelete
  24. Lauren4:07 AM

    If the movie follows the book at all, they're not zombies. I do not understand why everyone insists on calling this a zombie movie.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Yeah these weren't really zombies. I think that's become a generic term, unfortunately.

    s tsui, that's cool.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Upstate Broad8:57 AM

    I unfortunately knew that this movie was a re-make of a 60's B-movie classic, so I was expecting more thrill, less horror.

    All I want to point out is that Will Smith - and I'm not a huge fan - deserves every award they give out in LaLa Land for the expressions that crossed his face in the dog's last scene. That was acting you don't see in thrillers or horror films. Awesome.

    ReplyDelete
  27. I read the Matheson story a long time ago, and remembered them as virus infected/vampires, but definitely didn't picture them like this. The plot was a lot different too. Oh well. It was enjoyable, for what it was.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Haven't seen the movie, but great post. I agree that they are freaky SOB's.

    Kate

    ReplyDelete
  29. Susan's Snippets11:55 AM

    Zombies, vampires, warlocks and witches,
    Sends my mind into nervous twitches.
    Since watching “Hush, Hush Sweet Charlotte” as a little child,
    I vowed not to watch anything scary that would set my mind a wild.
    It can conjure up creepy, insane, murderous things on its own behalf.
    So I watch only warm, fuzzy, touchy shows that make me laugh!

    Sawed in half

    ReplyDelete
  30. Shows how out of the loop I am. All this time I've been thinking I Am Legend was a football movie.

    *buries face in hands*

    ReplyDelete
  31. rowdykatie12:16 PM

    Ha ha, "The Holiday", yeah, that was a piece of poop. I wanted to stuff Cameron Diaz in a sack and toss her out into a field so no one would have to hear the dialogue that passed for "thinking out loud".

    I am Legend was the saddest movie ever, I cried during the whole thing because the guy was just so lonely. The creatures were neat but way too powerful.

    ReplyDelete
  32. Funny how this movie creeped my husband out, the man who loves Resident Evil and everything horror, but it didn't bother me at all, and I'm the horror-phobic in the house! It did bother me when the dog died though

    ReplyDelete
  33. Do you think the slower zombies are the problem with the California freeways? Perhaps they didn't teach them that the fast lane is on the right. Or maybe, the California zombies know this, but the zombies moving into California (traditionally slow ones) do not.

    ReplyDelete
  34. Thanks! Ha ha...The Holiday...perfect! And the boyfriend reads your blog too...so now he's screwed. Poor b@st@rd! As for the dog...we sat down to dinner with friends the other night to the conversation starter of "Would you have followed your dog into THAT?"

    And yup, that ending..? I say...have the dog turn on him IN SUV...and "scene". The end.

    Seriously, though...there were good bits...the way he lived...all details covered. And I enjoyed the Bob Marley speach near the end.

    ReplyDelete
  35. My husband refused to see The Shawshank Redemption because 'there's prison rape in it'. He wouldn't watch Oz, simply said, "That show? Shawshank city." Shawshank became code in our house for things you don't want to see depicted. I think I'm going to have to call a Shawshank on pets dying in any movie, 'no animals were harmed' declarations notwithstanding.

    ReplyDelete
  36. You know what I hate? Pants. I hate pants.

    ReplyDelete
  37. You know what I hate? Following Rickey around in the comments all day. This is three separate blogs in which it has happened. I'm skipping down the humor-blogs cue to see if I can get ahead of him.

    ReplyDelete
  38. I was told not to see this movie because I would not be able to handle the dog part. I already know how you feel about dogs, so I guess it was just the zombies that got to you :)

    While I don't necessarily have a speed preference for my zombies, I will take your advice as a second sign not to see this movie. So, um, thanks for that.

    ReplyDelete
  39. Yeah the dog part was sad. And 'ricky hates pants' is a good name for a band.

    ReplyDelete
  40. Loved the movie, loved Will Smith, hated the dog part. Also saw Aliens vs Predator Requiem and another coupla sacred cows got hosed -children and pregnant women. Yikes, now that was a gory-ass movie.

    ReplyDelete
  41. Just wanna say I saw I'am Legend on a hajj copy dvd for 2 bucks ya it was not all that good, and that pic of the nerd fest defnitely scary i noticed guys with back packs and even might have saw one guy with those things that keep your glasses on around his neck, I think those are the guys you gotta worry about. If you really want to see a movie that totally sucks ass see southland tails let me ruin it for you cuz its dumb the Rock dies, Stiffler grabs his dimension selfs hand and collapse the 4th dimension cuz hes a pimp and pimps don't commit suicide. Ya!

    ReplyDelete
  42. God Dammit! Again, funny. I agree though, fast zombies are for the birds. What ever happened to the zombies that slowly shuffled forward and let you shoot them in the head until you ran out of bullets and were forced to try and run until cornered by their unstoppable numbers and either were able to bash your way through or eventually sucumbed to the bite of the brain gobling undead and became one yourself?

    ReplyDelete
  43. Yeah, those damn zombies in that movie were pretty freaky; I wouldn't be going out at night either. Plus, they've got full use of the fitness centers for free! No wonder their in great shape. But like I wrote in a post awhile back on zombies...why are the dead always angry and in the need to kill when they come back to life? I'm thinking the afterlife might not be up to par with what we were thinking...

    ReplyDelete
  44. I've just seen it. Since when are zombie-movies supposed to make me cry?! Fast mo-fos killed the dooooog!!!

    ReplyDelete
  45. You missed the other biggie: Zombies should not be CGI. They should be extras in bad makeup.

    Pretty cool movie though, huh?

    ReplyDelete
  46. Ash B7:04 PM

    Wow... it's like someone wrote down my worst fear and decided to discuss it! That movie looked WAY to freaky, although the humor in this blog has made me a little less afraid of those awful things. (seriously, terrified I'm going to get attacked by zombies while walking home at night... I think it's a sickness)

    ReplyDelete
  47. If you want to see fast zombie's watch the movie 30 days of night, trust me, those are fast zombies and scary to the point it made a lady in the theater get sick and we had to pause the movie to clean the theater half way through

    ReplyDelete
  48. That whole unhinged jaw thing really freaked me out.

    The whole movie I was shouting, "Give back Zombie-Sinade, and everything with be fine."

    But no, more unheeded cinematic advice.

    My fellow movie patrons didn't seem to car for it either.

    ReplyDelete
  49. easy reader5:34 PM

    Zampires....oooo I like that !

    ReplyDelete
  50. Well thanks for ruining the plot for me!

    Oh, wait, I didn't plan on seeing that one anyway so forget what I said up there and I agree with your list of what zombies should NOT be. :)

    ReplyDelete
  51. your about me is the
    title of my blog.


    i love jack's mannequin.

    ReplyDelete
  52. Anonymous10:25 AM

    I'm more of a fan of the remade "Dawn of the Dead" zombies...talk about winning a triathlon! Forget "Night of the Living Dead" brain eaters...bring on the scary ones!

    ReplyDelete
  53. Coolerboy1:01 PM

    As long as these fast zombies still eat brains, my wife tells me I'm safe.

    ReplyDelete
  54. Awesome movie! I loved everything about it, esp that damn mannequin. (could have used a little more vampire ass kicking)

    Seeing the movie really creeped the hell out of me after that mannequin. Loved it, and I hate scary movies.

    Love the fast zombies, love Will Smith. You couldnt have gotten a better actor to draw you into his misery and fears.

    That first night, after his watch alarm goes off.... Yea, exactly what I was expecting. Fanfrickentastic movie! *full of love

    ReplyDelete
  55. I've decided. If I come back as a zombie, I'm coming back as a fast zombie, but I'm going to pretend to be slow... then when my prey turns its back to start running, I'll leap ahead and jump on its back and chomp its brains out.

    I'm half way through reading the book now. Awesome stuff.

    ReplyDelete
  56. A little more zombie information for you:

    http://crankyprof.blogspot.com/2008/02/useful-knowledge-supplies.html

    ReplyDelete
  57. Wry Mouth6:39 PM

    Fast zombies are to horror films what fast food is to American cuisine.

    These kids these days wouldn't appreciate a good ol' slow zombies keep coming and coming until they overwhelm you not with speed orbrains but just with sheer numbers kind movie.

    The extend-o-jaw phenomenon is an outgrowth, I believe, of The Mummy, which was a great bad B-movie film of the 90's. Ever since then, scary thins have had too-big mouths because it's easy to do with computer graphics.

    I wrote a draft of a screenplay about zombie snails, but I can see that it's never going o get off the ground.

    ReplyDelete
  58. Well, fast zombies are the coolest. They can be killed though, In the remake of Dawn of the Dead the fast ones have to be killed with a head shot, but in 28 days later the fast ones can be killed with any lethal wound. The ones in dawn of the dead are the worst kind, but they can still be killed, a team of 5 or so with proper weapons and some basic education on military stategy could survive. But the slow zombies dont make sense, because if they eat brains well then not many people would be changing into zombies because their brains would already be eaten, oh and if they ate their victims whole there would be no one to turn into zombies either....see? Maybe someone can explain things clearer if i'm wrong. The closest thing I think would be some kind of altered rabies like virus that makes people attack each other, but they still would not eat each other, but the bites would spread infection, yet the infected would only live a few days until they starved to death. Thr Day of the Dead remake was dumb but the airborne virus is not a bad idea. So it seems that zombies would ruin the story if they ate brains or human flesh cause' there would be very few attack victims whom did not get devoured or their brains eaten. But if the Zombies only attacked their victims maybe with bites,scratches, and punches, then that person could become infected right after the attack (few seconds or so) because if infection took to long there would be nothing left to infect. But ther is still the problem of the zombies starving after a couple days, anyone have any suggestions about all this?

    ReplyDelete
  59. No Celery Please: 2 words. Dead Set. They were real, DEAD Zombies. Well, they died before they became Zombies.

    ReplyDelete
  60. You weren't looking carefully enough for the chinese zombies, there are chinese zombies but instead of shuffling or running, they hop... i am serious, the hop. although this information may be from some old chinese scary movie i saw when i was little, meaning it could be zombies from around 50 to 20 years ago.

    ReplyDelete
  61. Anonymous1:40 PM

    Maybe thats because...they are not zombies. Neither were the 28 days later "zombies". They both are actually a generic term I've come to think of (and are sometimes reffered to) "Infected" they are meant to be alot like zombies, in infecting people, but not undead. See Left 4 Dead also.

    ReplyDelete
  62. Anonymous1:39 PM

    The only thing that bothered me was the dog getting infected and Will having to kill it. That's just uncalled for.

    ReplyDelete