Please god, not the hole in one.

Recently I flew out to the old corporate headquarters for a little "team bonding" which involved playing two games -- one of which I was familiar with and one of which I was not. The one I was familiar with is called "golf" and the one I was not familiar with is called "cornhole." You probably think that sounds like a painful and unpleasant thing that you should go to great lengths to avoid playing ever in your life, and you would be absolutely correct.

Being from New York, I had never heard of this game. I guess it's big in Scranton because people were incredibly good at it. They brought their own homemade cornhole boards, that's how hardcore they are. What is cornholing, you ask? Well, it's when one inmate commits to a verbal 'contract' with another inmate whereupon he is provided 'protection' in exchange for...no wait -- that's the wrong one.

Much to my relief, it was fairly innocuous and not at all painful, unless you count the acute pain I felt for the lost dignity of those people actually playing. In this instance, cornholing is the act of throwing a bean bag, (or if you are playing with a bunch of professionals, an actual corn bag) at a slanted piece of wood with a hole in it.

There are all sorts of complicated and arcane rules that I really didn't pay attention to because I wasn't playing. From what I gather, it's similar to Jarts except there's no drunkenly launched steel-pointed projectiles flying through the air. With no chance of witnessing an inadvertent impaling, I lost interest pretty quickly.

I was, however, extremely relieved to find out that (1) You weren't forced to play, and (2) It was nothing like I expected.

To give you a sense of my relief, I drew it in picture form:

I have to say the high point for me was this conversation with my boss:

Me: The boards your husband made keep collapsing.

Her: Why? What's wrong with them?

Me: I don't know. I think it's cuz all these guys are professionals and they're just pounding the crap out of your cornhole.

Her: That is just so wrong in so many different ways.

The golfing was a lot of fun. We played a scramble, and I did better than I thought I was going to, since I haven't picked up a golf club in about 10 years. I quit when it became really popular because I was wasting too much time and money on it, and I couldn't stand the way our local public course was turning into a country club. I think I may have to give it another try though.

Special Dark was on my team, which really made the whole thing worthwhile. Even if I never got to swing a club, it would have been worth the 18 bucks just to see him shank three shots in a row straight into the woods and then completely lose his shit and heave his golf club into the next fairway. The other guy on our team had never been golfing before, and a lot of the time it was like watching a cartoon. He'd wind up, swing as hard as he could, completely miss the ball, and then spin around so hard he'd practically screw himself into the ground.

All it needed was manic piano music.


  1. I have heard the term "cornhole" before but never as describing a game.I am pretty sure that if someone said to me "Hey Nicole, tomorrow we are going cornholing" I would've stayed in my hotel and faked sick. That's just me though. I am so not adventurous like that.
    Somebody seriously needs to come up with a new name for that game though! That is just one of the weirdest things that I have heard in a long time.

    BTW thanks for the tips the other day

  2. I am the cornhole master. And Nicole P. has pretty big boobs.

  3. he is. I watched him throw something like 5 in a row that went directly into the cornhole without touching wood. From about 25 feet away.

  4. john said... I am the cornhole master.
    That is just wrong on so many levels!! Man if you said something like that in my neck of the woods, I might fear for your life!!!
    See, I told you, someone needs to think of a new name for this game.

    And yeah, I do have big boobs! It is the ONLY good thing that 4 kids did for my body!

  5. you should totally include more drawings on your blog. i laughed so hard i forgot which way to breathe - you know, which is in and which is out - and it threw me into a coughing fit and i got up to go to the bathroom and ran into a hot guy in the hall who accidentally touched my boobie. and i liked that. so more pictures please! true story.

  6. A hot guy in the hall once touched my boobie. It was kind of gross. He was all sweaty (being hot and all) and I was like, "HEY! What the f#@k do I have boobies for? They're typically found on islands or by the coast and I'm well inland, away from their main foodsource (fish)"

    Here in the Suburbs of Chicagoland, Cornholing or simply, as most have come to call it, Beanbags or even just Bags is a great outdoor activity at the local bar (those which have an outdoor area) and many bars even have leagues. Much cheaper to participate in than golf.

  7. Somehow this reminds me of Bevis & Butthead - Cornholio... ew.

  8. [unrelated to your post]

    I just think it's cool that you have the "phases of the moon" in your sidereel/sidecolumn.

    I'll come back to post a real comment.


  9. Well I never knew cornholing was this big
    the American Cornhole Association, http://www.playcornhole.org/
    I think they play a different style in some of the 'rondack back woods ghettos.

  10. Awwwww, I love Special Dark stories. Give us more.

  11. Listen, there should never be a game known as "cornhole". That's just wrong. Besides, it's just a stupid variation of the ole "bean bag toss" we had to play in kindergarten at break time...except with only one hole.

    But I'm more interested in your Special Dark stories while golfing! I'm with Cruiser on that...

  12. Please join me for a caption contest:

    Send in your edited cartoon and-or vote on the work of others.


  13. Anonymous3:05 PM

    Most people call this game "Bean Bag Toss"!