Man, I hate Lowe's.

I was wandering around in Lowe's today, and I stumbled on these modern marvels:

They were on sale for about a grand each, and I was beside myself with excitement. I immediately called the salesperson over, because I happen to be in the market and that's not a bad price. He started to tell me about all the cool features, but got annoyed when I kept interrupting his sales pitch. Not to brag, but I happen to know a little something about these bad boys, and all I wanted him to do was cut to the chase and show me the initiation sequence.

I was short on time, and I just wanted to see something go from Pod A to Pod B. Is that too much to ask?

Apparently so, because he insisted on rattling off a litany of features I didn't give a shit about. I told him I didn't really care if my transporter has 4 different "delicates" cycles. Granted, the whole laundry thing is a nice feature, and I wouldn't complain about not having to move wet clothes from the washer to the dryer, but really...when it comes down to it, that's just gravy. All that really concerned me was whether or not it could send drinks from the kitchen to the patio without effing them up. If it could do that, I told him, I'd buy the set on the spot.

After he told me he couldn't demo it because they weren't plugged in and there was no plumbing, I got a little skeptical. As a test, I asked him if he thought it would transport live animals. I even offered to go to the pound and get a kitten so we could try it, but he just got pissed at me and walked away shaking his head. He clearly had no idea what he was talking about.

I hate shopping at Lowe's. Nobody who works there knows dick about anything. In my book, they shouldn't even sell those things if they don't know how to operate them. You'd think that for eight to ten bucks an hour they would be able to find someone who could demo a simple transporter for god's sake.



  1. That's what happens when you take the staff off commission. They stop worrying about such things like DNA recombo and the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, and instead they just sit there and watch the clock all day.

  2. I have nothing to contribute other than those things kind of freak me out a bit. They wash & dry clothes? Looking at the picture, I would expect something more...

    Oh and I agree with you about Lowe's. Or any place like that...Home Depot, Menards, whatever the place I hate going there & dealing with the people

  3. You really should pay more attention to your delicates settings. There are four settings for a REASON.

  4. That's why you don't buy appliances at Lowes. You buy lumber and tools at Lowes. You buy appliances at Sears, where they would have swiftly and cheerfully fetched you a whole litter of kittens and the washer and dryer would have been plugged in and hooked up and ready for kitten-killin.'

  5. I wonder how many people will be confused about today's post.

    Quite a few I'd warrant. But bully for you sir, I am amongst the elite who instantaneously grokked your meaning.

    Oh and Karla, I've already killed a few kittens this week and without the help of Sears I might add.

    - Scott

  6. I would have offered to allow the salesperson to pick the delicate to try first as I was attempting to climb into the machine, asking if I was entering the correct one....


  7. chThose things scare me...almost as much as the rude salespeople at home improvement stores who have a problem with helping me with a bunch of shit I know nothing about.

  8. Those have waaaaaaaay too many buttons for my spouse to ever use the machine properly.

    but really - a grand for a washer? different cycles? get real. There are so many days when I don't even sort clothes. I just dump in a basketfull, set the water temp on warm, and go drink a glass of wine.

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  12. Anonymous2:53 PM

    In addition, they appear to hate the word "Christmas", which is a slam to Christians. They named their Christmas trees, "Hoilday trees". They stated that they did not want to offend their non-christian customers. If they are non-christians, then why would they buy a tree? Lowes you know you really hate christians....just say it you spineless bunch of idiots. All Christians should boycot Lowes forever...I have.

  13. Anonymous2:59 PM

    I hate Lowes because all their TV commercial make white people look stupid. I know they are trying to make the commercials funny, but spread the wealth to other races too. Why does the white person have to be the idiot in all their commercials? I will never shop at Lowes again until this corrected. As a white guy, I feel Lowes hates my race.

  14. Anonymous5:31 PM

    Obviously you missed the Orbitz
    commercials about a year ago,
    ALL COMMERCIALS these days make
    the white race look stupid.

    Just my two cents

    Nice blog!

  15. Anonymous1:56 PM

    I work at lowes for a summer job. There are a few people who know what they are talking about, but most don't. I hate working there, but I need a job and there aren't many around where I live. And yes, all we do is sit around and watch the clock waiting to make another $8 an hour.

  16. Anonymous5:26 PM

    No, they ended the commission? Not while I worked for them, I was removed for caring about customers, and was commissioned, never watched the clock, except to avoid overtime. But they really do love the dumb white guy(s). I my area all ethnic workers constantly reminded all white folk that they were non white....which i never noticed until they told me they were not white. But when it comes to white, for Lowe's the dumber the better.
    Maybe that's why there are four delicate cycles.

  17. Anon,

    You clearly did not get the joke. To spell it out for you, these are very futuristic looking machines, and they looked like some sort of transporter in a science fiction movie to me. To make this into a funny bit, I created an imaginary scenario in which I pretended to approach a sales person to ask him about their "transporter sale." No need to get your panties in a bunch.

  18. Anonymous8:00 PM

    I work for Lowes, and when I regularly begin my salespitch with "You can fit, like, 26 babies in this washer! And wait'll you see what the dryer does- the steam feature just peels their skin like an onion!" people don't seem to want to speak to me....

    1. Now, I'd buy one from you with that pitch.