Frozen treats

Here's something you don't have happen to you every day. I was driving home minding my own business, when the window to the car in front of me opens. Some sort of giant dog sticks his head out the window. I laugh, because the dog is monstrous. Like a Marmaduke kind of dog, except being a real dog he was much funnier than the one depicted in the comic strip. I don't know how this dog wasn't freezing his giant marmaduke face off.

Everything is fine for a bit, and then I suddenly realize that my windshield is being pelted by something. Big gobs of somethng foamy and wet. This giant dog is foaming at the mouth, slobbering, whatever you want to call it -- and it is whipping backwards from the dog to my windshield. When it hits, it starts to freeze. I make the split-second decision to turn on the wipers -- which, in retrospect, was the absolute worst thing I could have done. The wipers proceeded to smear dog spit from one end of my windshield to another, causing it to freeze instantaneously. Or maybe it just dried out. I wasn't entirely sure, but it was pretty effing disgusting.

To top it off, I was completely out of washer fluid. So I had to drive almost all the way home peering through frozen dog spit. Good times.


  1. john the scientist8:47 PM

    Hey, at least he wasn't taking a wiz.

    My uncle once tossed a half-pint of chocolate milk out of the car window on a summer trip in the 50s. It landed inside the passenger compartment of a passing convertable. My grandfather was not amused.

  2. Sorry 'bout the dog spit episode. Try to focus on how happy he was.

    PS Marmaduke always makes me laugh!

  3. First it was a car with the 24 on the trunk, now it is slobbering dogs, whoa dude as they say things happen in threes!

    What is next?

  4. I spend an insane amount of time in my car every day, so it could be anything. I saw someone chuck a loaded diaper out the window once.

  5. Dude, where the fuck was your camera when you needed it? I, for one, have yet to see smeared frozen dog spit.

  6. The diaper incident was my first exposure to your blog way back. This is better, though.

  7. John the scientist said what I was going to.

    running out of wiper fluid this time of year is horrible, even w/out Marmaduke slobbering out of his window.

  8. Oh I'm sorry but that's just . . .

  9. You weren't by any chance driving behind me, were you? Green honda pilot, NJ plates, bumper sticker that says "Dog is my CoPilot"?

    No lie, you could have been driving behind me. Nanook does that all the time.

  10. Anonymous9:05 PM

    I feel your pain. Except my windshield was smeared with frozen birdshit.

  11. Anonymous9:07 PM

    Oh & speaking of Marmaduke, this is funny stuff right here:

  12. Look, I have to let you in on something: There are places in the country--where you can live!--that aren't freezing goddamn cold. I'm shocked and appalled that no one has told you about all the wonderful, warm places to live, or even the mediocre, sometimes-chilly places that only get cold enough to freeze dog slobber after it's been exposed to the elements for extended periods of darkest nighttime. Trust me: I used to live in Fairbanks, Alaska, and the very minute I was informed that there was warmth to be had in other US localities, I busted ass out of that arctic shithole and headed south. You can, too, friend. Come to Texas. Bring sunscreen. Also, bring books. It's so fucking hot here you can't leave the house from May 15th to September 20th. It can get kind of boring being in the house all that time.