6/8/06

New Project and Big Fido is Homeless

My latest woodworking project so far:



I realize there's absolutely nothing funny about this, unless you count the fact that I have no idea at all how to play a guitar.

I did see something oddly humorous on the way home the other day. I was on a twisty back road that follows a creek and when I came around a corner, I saw the biggest stuffed animal I've ever seen in my life. It had to be almost 6 feet tall, and it was just sitting there in the woods.




It's hard to tell from the scale, but that's a pretty big tree he's leaning against. I am about 5'6 or so, and this thing was as tall as I was.

I can just picture the conversation that led to this unfortunate abandonment:

Dad: "Stacy! Daddy's home! And he brought you a birthday present."

Stacy: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! GO WAY! GO WAY!"

Dad (to Mom): "You said she wanted a big stuffed dog, right?"

Mom: "Yes, I did say "big" -- but I didn't mean "bigger than me." If it fell on her, she would probably be crushed to death. She's only 3, Jim."

Dad: "Stacy, the big fido doggie likes you, see? [thrusting the giant dog's giant head at the little girl.]

Stacy: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHhh......
GOWAYDOGGIEGOWAYGOWAYGOWAY!"

Mom: "Jesus Jim, get rid of it will you? She's going to shit herself."

Dad: "The store isn't going to take it back. They have a policy against that."

Mom: "I don't care if you bring it back or toss the frigging thing on the side of the road, just get it the hell out of here before she passes out."

Dad: "Fine. Fuck it. I'm going out for a beer."

I think there's a lesson here for giant stuffed animals and parents everywhere.

6 comments:

  1. That is the scariest thing I have ever seen besides a clown

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  2. In today's matinee production of Giant Stuffed Dog the part of Stacy will be played by Sarah. Ga-gew that is scary.

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  3. Ya wanna know what's really scary?

    Some people have sex with those big stuffed animals.

    They call them Plushy, but I'd bet they get rather Stiffy after a while.

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  4. Your blog is the greatest! I happened upon it yesterday afternoon and spent hours reading many of your posts. I was laughing so hard at some of your commentary that I was afraid my office mate would tattle. I think I'm going to have to start wearing Depends before I check this site again. Do you write humorous columns? Have you been published? If not, you should try.

    Anyway, one of these days I'll post a link to your blog on my inferior (sob) site.

    Thanks for the belly laughs!

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  5. Actually, you should have gotten out of your vehicle and shook the thing. I'll bet there was a dead body inside there. No really - this was an episode of CSI actually. And Jadebunny is right, except they dress each OTHER in the big plushy costumes to have sex. It's a cult. You know, like blogging.

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  6. Dammit. Three times now I've commented and three times I've meant to thank you for your good vibes and nice thoughts during my recent boob scare.

    (back when I was bartending I recall the fuzzy nipple and the slippery nipple, but never heard of the buttery nipple. must be a regional thing) :)

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