11/10/05

Making a Difference

Am I the only one who thinks that Christiane Amanpour should NOT be "Making a Difference?" What the hell is that about? You are a journalist -- you don't get to make a difference. You get to report the news. So you know what, CNN? Just REPORT THE FUCKING NEWS, OK?

I just want the story. I don't want to know anything about what part you played in it, or what your opinion on it is. "Making A Difference." Worst. Tagline. Ever.

Anyway....

I've been up since about 4am, because I had to make a quick trip out of town this morning. Luckily, I had a short flight. I'm glad it was short because I am pretty sure the guy sitting next to me on the plane had a fish hook caught in his throat. For a solid 2 hours, he kept making that hauwking sound that you normally associate with the act of chucking up a big loogie, but - and here's the mystery - that's as far as he went.

I can only pray that he was coming up dry, because the alternative is not something I wish to contemplate.

The other wonderful thing about this flight was the 60-year old steward who somehow managed to be extremely chipper and upbeat at 5:30am. I wanted to kill him. He was clearly at the very pinnacle of a 2-case Red Bull bender.

I would bet my paycheck that he worked for Southwest recently, because he was cracking extremely corny jokes to an audience of stone-faced killers (i.e., us). I think Continental is trying some last ditch, desperate attempt to avoid bankruptcy by copying Southwest's methods. I'm here to say that it's not working. At all.

He didn't understand that the reason nobody laughed is because (a) he wasn't very funny, (b) Hello? It was 5:30am, and (c) everyone on board was trying to figure out a way to shove his cheerful, shiny little head out one of those little round windows without depressurizing the cabin.
Here's an example:

"As long as we're moving on the ground, you'll want to keep your seatbelts fastened. While the guys up front are excellent pilots, I'm not sure how good they are at driving."

"If you do leave something on the plane that is extremely valuable, don't worry. I'll turn it in for you here in Rochester. You can pick it up at Rico's Pawn shop, on the corner of West Avenue and Madison."

You almost expected him to say, "Thank you. Thank you very much. I'm here all week, folks. Don't forget to tip your waitresses."

He made my bone marrow hurt.

Perhaps it would have been mildy amusing if I had been wide awake and in a good mood, but when you're working on 4 hours sleep, no coffee and no breakfast it gets old really, really fast. Also keep in mind that I gave you his BEST material. He was like a wrinkled, old version of Brian, the perky waiter at Chotchkie's.

Once I was on the ground, I did a quick speed-walk past fishhook guy and his wife, and tried to catch the train to the office. That was pretty uneventful, although I did see something that made me laugh.

After I watched the tail lights of the train I needed to be on disappear into the distance, I sat down to wait for the next one. There was a lot of carving and writing on the bench. For lack of something better and more constructive to do, I started reading it. I saw a heart that said:

Cathy
+
Steve
12/04 to Present

That will haunt me. What the hell was she thinking when she wrote this? Was she planning to come back to the bench every 3 months and provide us with quarterly updates on the status of her relationship with Steve? Was I going to come back in February and see something like:

Cathy
+
Steve
xx/xx xx Xxxxxxxx
no longer screwing
2/14/06

Or maybe she was thinking of putting it on her resume and just wanted give it a test run.

I have no idea. People are strange.

I will, however, check the bench the next time I'm in town and let you know.




9 comments:

  1. Funny post! Sarcasm - I love it!

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  2. "Have you seen my red stapler?" I LOVED that flick!

    Between that and the TPI reports...Wow!

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  3. Cleveland, huh? Thanks for stopping by. Personally, at 5:30 in the AM I want people to STFU and leave me alone. Usually sarcasm isn't all that funny, but with you it is. Figure that one out.

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  4. I feel bad for the old guy. He probably is a failed comedian/actor and is living out his broken dreams in the plane cabin. And did it occur to you that maybe Cathy really loves Steve?!?!

    Ahahahahaha

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  5. Cleveland? I clearly said Rochester. I've never been to Cleveland in my life.

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  6. I felt bad for the old guy too. Fish hooks hurt like a bitch.

    Also, it is possible that Cathy actually Loves Steve, because I know that the ultimate expression of true and lasting love is to carve it into a bench.

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  7. I always hated that trip to Cleveland. I've almost died twice.

    The train ride in was the depressing part. People out there dump all their used appliances, tires and trash onto the tracks.

    You never know when an old frigidaire is going to fall off an overpass onto your train.

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  8. Laugh out loud funny!!

    Now if you will excuse me, I will try to explain to my Boss why I found her spread sheet so damn funny...

    Ruh roh...

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  9. Nice. Continental's come a long way. My favorite would have to be when a pilot on Southwest Airlines forgot to turn off his mike before letting a long stream of urine pass through his urethra... seriously, Naked Gun was flashing before my eyes. Oh, and "Keep your seatbelts low and tight - like we like your mini skirts." Also Southwest's finest.

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