People suck.

So I called a number in the Pennysaver and ordered 4 cords of firewood. The guy delivers two, I pay him for all four, and then he disappears. He doesn't answer his cell phone (which I expect to be disconnected shortly), and his voice mailbox is too full to accept any new messages. All the phone numbers I have for him turn out to be cellphones, and they're all not being answered.

Turns out, he did the same thing to my neighbor. So I'm out almost 300 bucks, and my neighbor 150. At this point, I don't know how many people he's screwed, but I'll bet it's a lot.

I was talking to my neighbor, and here's his take on it:

"Well, I'm pretty sure he's living hand to mouth. He told me he just got divorced and has two kids. I feel bad for him, so...I'm just going to let it go."

You know what? Eff that.

I might have felt sorry for him too, except this guy stole from me. He betrayed, yet again, my general faith in humanity and reinforced my reasons for hating all people universally until I get to know them. The sad thing is, I even gave the guy twenty bucks extra because he dumped the wood close to where I was going to be stacking it.

I don't understand the way my neighbor's mind works. Does he feel guilty for having what he's worked for? Could that be it? Does he think someone else is to blame for this guy's two kids and failed marriage? Did someone force the guy at knifepoint to knock up his wife?

I called the cops, explained my stupidity and gullibility. They took the report, and said they'll try to contact him. Rattle his cage a little.

In a nice way, they told me that I basically didn't have a prayer of seeing my money or my other two cords of wood, since it was a cash deal.

If he did the same thing to 50 people, that's quite a little Christmas club he's got going there.

I can tell you this: I'd like to shove a cord of wood up his ass sideways. So,it was an expensive lesson learned. Trust no one. Get the license plate and a receipt for all transactions.

Meanwhile, my car is sitting at the shop with a $400.00 invoice tacked to it. That's a nice bonus.

So don't buy firewood in Saratoga, NY or Corinth, NY from a guy named Tony Bills at (518) 696-7044 or (518) 791-3922 because he will rip you off. Let the search engines pick that one up.


On a lighter note, tonight is Halloween. We live in the boonies, and for the last ten years we've had exactly zero trick-or-treaters. If the doorbell rings at my house on Halloween, we get the guns. If we're home, we generally carve a pumpkin, have a few glasses of wine and maybe watch a scary movie.

Sarah's post about Drackila reminded me of a Halloween poem I wrote when I was 8. I share this touching and memorable poem in honor of this sacred night:


I wish I knew fankenstine. Good frends we would be.
I would take off his head and see what I could see.
And if he locked me up I would walk threw the wall.
And then I would watch the snake in the hall crawl in to the bedroom and threw the wall.

The End.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you: Fankenstine, 2005.

Yeah. Against my wife's wishes, I spiked his hair, and gave him some "monster" tackle. Poor guy didn't have anything at all. I think whoever slapped him together left it off by mistake. Besides, he looked like he might be needing it tonight, what with the unconscious chick and all, so I helped a brotha out.


  1. Dude, you carved the guy with a dangler.

    That's gay.

  2. Hey, I gave the unconscious chick some nip, so cut me some slack. I'm an equal opportunity carver.

  3. He kind of looks like a Dirty Dilbert.

    And she's got giant, uh, RIBS, and almost no head.

    You scare me. You're Not a Nice Person.

    How does anyone do such a detailed carving? I can barely hack out scary teeth. Please tell me that's photoshopped.

  4. I am so nice. Just ask Fankenstine.

  5. Is there a state agency that you can contact regarding fraud? I think this guy was giving you the ole pity story hoping you wouldn't turn him in. I have had more than my fair share of salesmen showing me pictures of their young children with Luekemia to try and sell me a fridge or car.

  6. That is an awesome carving! LOL

  7. JV- that carving is awesome!

    Sorry about being ripped off by that redneck con. :(

  8. F**kin cons, hope you get the opportunity to press charges. If the guy even has kids, I can't imagine that they would benefit from a loser like that. Impressive Franken-package! way to go JV.

  9. Here’s what you do: set up a sting. Get a buddy in another neighborhood to call the Pennysaver number and order 6 cords of wood. When the scam dude makes his partial delivery, you all greet him nicely and escort him to his ATM machine… or just confiscate all the wood he brought and give him a melvin.

    p.s. i'm totally turned on by artists.

  10. I'm a newbie and log your blog ...


    what the heck's a melvin??

  11. A Melvin is a type of wedgie that occurs when an offender (in most cases a bully) pulls a victims underwear upward in order to induce pain in the genital region.

    perhaps, jv can draw one of his pictures ;-)

  12. Mckay, then I guess I have nothing to worry about. ha

  13. So when did Bart Simpson kidnap Pam Anderson? And why is it carved in to a pumpkin?

  14. i think the irony in all this lies in the guy's last name.

  15. "Feed my Frankenstein"?