On the third beach day, Wilma was coming, so the winds were high and the sea was pretty rough. The waves were getting big, and after getting knocked around a bit, we decided to rent some boogie boards. For those of you who don't know what boogie boards are, they are small styrofoam boards that you lie on, and use to ride the waves. They are sort of a small surfboard you don't stand up on.
I discovered that there's a reason you see mostly young kids riding the waves on boogie boards.
It's not because it's not still a blast, because it is -- and it's not because you look like an idiot, even though you probably do -- it's because if you time the wave incorrectly, it will pick you up like so much dirty laundry, fold your spine in a direction that by all rights it should not bend in, and then slam your old, brittle bones to the sea floor and hold you there until it has forcibly injected at least 20 lbs of sand and a gallon of saltwater into every orifice of your body.
Even if you manage to actually catch a wave, the lower half of your body is still hanging off the back of the board. This means that while most of you is riding high, heading toward the beach, your man junk is riding much lower, and the wave you are surfing on is actively trying to tear it free from your body and send it via riptide to Puerto Rico. And let me tell you, that shit hurts.
The other thing I learned while boogie boarding in the Caribbean is -- never wear a bathing suit with a liner. Why, you ask? Let me tell you. When we got back to the condo to shower and get ready to go to dinner, I took off my swim trunks in the bathroom and the liner of said trunks contained approximately 1 metric ton of white beach sand, and my nuts looked kinda like a sugar cinnamon donut.
Also courtesy of Mother Nature's high-pressure washing machine, I actually had 2 pieces of seaweed stuck in my ass.*
I can hear you all now. "No way!" you're saying to yourself. "How could you not notice THAT?"
The answer to that question, my friends, is a single word, and that word is:
*Yes, I know. I'm sharing too much.