I need help from someone old. Someone with grey hair and little half glasses. Maybe even a bushy mustache and a sweater vest, and quite possibly pants pulled up to their armpits.
I need someone who does nothing all day but feed the birds and sit at the window with a pair of binoculars. I need someone who owns Audubon books and listens to recordings of bird calls for fun.
Because somewhere in all those books and recordings, there is a bird that sounds like this.
I know when this bird is identified, I'm going to find out that it likes pine trees, and upstate NY, and pissing people off. I know this because this effer lives right outside my bedroom window and has taken it upon himself to become my own personal rooster. Whatever it is, it sets its alarm clock for 3:30 am sharp.
Every. Single. Day.
It is driving me insane. That recording doesn't do it justice. It is like someone jabbing you in the back of the neck with a lit cigarette every 4 seconds while you're trying to sleep.
It is loud.
Loud enough to hear over window fans. Loud enough to hear through pillows, and ear plugs.
So, I need help from an old person. I need them to tell me what kind of bird it is, what it looks like, what it eats, how much it shits.
I want to know everything there is to know about this creature, so that I can kill it. A lot.
I will then nail the bullet-ridden skin of this screaming ex-bird on my garage door as a warning to the others.
Justice will be served. On the grill if it's big enough.