2/9/05

A new one on me....almost.

I drive on the highway 2 hours a day. I know from littering slobs. I've seen almost everything thrown out of car windows. Cans, bottles, McDonald's bags, coffee cups (full and empty) and at least two times each day, I see my personal pet peeve, lit cigarette butts. This annoys me to no end. Number one, it's a disgusting habit, and number two, at least put the damn thing out on your tongue or something before tossing it out the window. That little glowing thing at the end is actually hot, assknob. When it comes in contact with other flammable stuff, it tends to set it to burning too. I'm going to get my lights punched out some day because I'm always laying on my horn and flipping people off when they do this, and they probably have no idea why. They do it out of habit, and don't even think about it. Once, I actually got out of my car at a redlight, picked up the cigarette the person in front of me tossed out the window, brought it back to their car and said, "Hey, you dropped this" and handed it back to them like it was a glove or a wallet or something. They enjoyed that. Seriously, I would support a law to make cops give out tickets for this.

OK, I know I went off on a tangent. I'm back now.

So basically, what I'm saying is, I haven't seen a lot of shit thrown out of people's windows.

You think that's a typo, but it's not.

On my way home from work today, I saw someone about 5 car-lengths in front of me roll down their window and let loose with...wait for it......a loaded diaper. I only know it was loaded because when it hit, it bounced a few times, then exploded like a short-fuse poop grenade. I watched it tumble to the side of I-87, then goosed my car to pull up even with them, and sat there until they noticed me. I just stared over at them with a disgusted look on my face. (OK, I admit I also mouthed* the words "fucking slob," but I'm sure he probably didn't pick up on that unless he was either (a) a lip reader, or (b) really, really used to people calling him that.) The guy looks at me and holds his nose, as if that makes it ok to toss a half-pound of fresh baby shit out of a moving car during rush hour.

I don't have any kids, so I really don't know the relative levels of olfactory foulness that baby poop can attain, but from what I hear it can be pretty bad. That fact notwithstanding, I have some advice for him, on the extremely off chance he's reading this post:

Dear Poop Flinger:

Next time Bubba Junior drops a freshie in the car, follow these steps:

1. Pull over.
2. Trundle your fat ass the 4 steps necessary to reach the back of your piece-of-shit car.
3. Undo the Bungie cord holding your trunk closed.
4. Drop the diaper between the bumper jack and that Hefty bag full of empty Coors Light cans.
5. Re-Bungie.
6. When you get back to the trailer, take it out and throw it in the fucking trash.

That way, it can be properly placed with the other 4,275,000 tons of disposable diapers that are trucked to landfills each year. That, my friends, is a lot of poop.

We really need to do something about this. I'm thinking corks.

*Am I the only one who does this? Why don't I actually use my voice when trying to communicate through 2 panes of safety glass and a 75mph wind? Instead, I move my mouth like some kind of idiot Marcel Marceau. Maybe it has something to do with making sure it's slow enough so the offending party has a better chance of lip reading it. I always thought a great idea would be a voice to text converter, and a programmable LED scrolling sign. Hit a button, say what you want, and it displays it on the passenger-side window.

12 comments:

  1. Um...this is amazing. I can't believe that guy held his nose as if you weren't aware that poop stinks.

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  2. Anonymous10:04 PM

    Yeah, no shit!

    Sorry.

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  3. Cigarette and baby butts. Yuck.

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  4. You had me at "Undo the bungie cord holding your trunk closed" ...classic

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  5. Anonymous7:54 AM

    How did he CHANGE the diaper? I am losing my mind over this one.

    ~Carly

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  6. There was more than one person in the car.

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  7. The problem with old people is that they figure, "I'm dying soon so what do I care if my Depends are all over the highway?". That's also why they dress so poorly. They just let themselves go in general.

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  8. Ahh, the second person is the FRIGGIN MORON WHO TOOK THE BABY OUT OF THE CAR SEAT AT 70 MPH???

    er, sorry. I haven't had my tea yet.

    I will invest my entire bonus this year (snicker) on your little text display device, if I can have the 2nd one off the assembly line.

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  9. Anonymous10:29 PM

    Humm... I think that this behavior qualifies as aggressive driving behavior. Please whatever you do don't get a gun and drive around with it.

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  10. well...crap. I guess you can't bring them back after they've been fired. Who knew?

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  11. Anonymous6:29 PM

    Had the cigarette thing happen to me while I had a leaky gas tank for a few days..nothing like a bunch of sparks to make you jumpy trailing a bit of gas.

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  12. Anonymous4:59 PM

    I know this post is kind of ancient, but it touched on one of my biggest rant triggers. I freaking HATE it when people throw their butts on the ground. Why the hell is that acceptable. It makes me feel kind of lame though, that I only yell at women and whimpy looking dudes who do this, and not (if I can help it) guys who might be able to kick my ass.

    Damn, it would be so great to be a cop. Just for one day. If only they'd let you ticket people for driving Hummers and Yukons and stuff - THAT would be heaven!

    Dave

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