5/22/12

Welcome to Man Town, Bitches.

One of my friends who reads my blog gave me an early birthday gift this past Saturday because she won't be around this coming weekend. Thanks to her, as I'm typing this, I am surrounded by the scent of Mandles* in (believe it or not) car air freshener form:



So I am here to give you the lowdown on each of these fine scents, but I have to type really fast because all of them together like this is making me a little sick. To encapsulate what I am smelling right now, it's almost like I'm cutting my grass behind the wheel of a leather upholstered, wood trimmed John Deere lawn tractor, and George Clooney is riding bitch.

That will make more sense in a bit, trust me. So without further ado, here's my opinion on each of these masterpieces:

2x4: I figured I'd start with this one because it's the biggest letdown. Sadly, it smells nothing like a 2x4. In fact, I'd go so far as to say it smells nothing like any sort of wood whatsoever. If you really stretch, you might say there is something reminiscent of pencil shavings in there somewhere. I can't exactly place the scent, but in my head I'm picturing a vending-machine vanilla wafer stick dipped in old spice and then shoved up an oompa loompa's ass. But that's my problem, not yours. Just know that it smells bad. Really bad. Like being trapped inside your grandmother's coat closet for three hours. (Also my problem.)

Riding Mower: This one smells like grass. A little too much like grass if you ask me. What do I mean by that? Well, I like the smell of cut grass as much as the next guy. I like the golf course, or when the windows are down in the car and I drive by someone mowing their lawn. It's generally a fleeting, pleasant smell. Now picture yourself being knocked unconscious and waking up here:


That's what it smells like. Overpowering. It smells like when you lift the lid on that giant garbage can full of grass clippings that has been sitting in the sun for three hours at the end of your driveway. Definitely not my favorite. Maybe not as bad as 2x4, because at least this smells like what it's supposed to, but that's still probably comparing oompa loompas to oranges. Although come to think of it, those little bastards were as orange as the cast of Jersey Shore, so maybe that's a bad example.

First Down: My Honda Fit has new leather seats now. At least, if you close your eyes and forget you're in a japanese tin can it does. If you've ever wondered how they get that pricey new car leather smell into pricey new cars, I will bet money that it's put in after the fact with whatever this thing has been dipped in. It smells like a new baseball glove, or a new leather sofa, or a new Lexus. (Or how I imagine a new Lexus to smell, since they generally see me coming and won't allow me on the lot.) This one is not bad at all. I have no idea if the actual mandle smells like this air freshener or not, but I would probably buy it on sale and then light it in the room where I have my cheap pleather couch. It won't stop your thigh skin from being torn off if you get up too fast on a hot day, but it'll make the experience much more olfactorily pleasant. It makes me feel like this.

Man Town: Here is a sentence I never thought I would say. Take me to Man Town and drop me off. This smells like the cologne I could never afford. When you get your first whiff of this, you immediately picture someone in a Brioni suit, flashing an understated Platinum Pearlmaster as they pay for their Grey Goose martini with their Centurion AmEx. In other words, you picture Bruce Wayne. Or George Clooney. But don't picture George Clooney playing Bruce Wayne because that was just total shit, regardless of how you think it might smell.

So I actually like this one. Man Town. Go figure.

My wife: What's that smell? Have you been rubbing that Man Town on your face again?

Me: What do you mean, again? It was only that ONE TIME. And no, I'm not a complete idiot. Even though it's ten times cheaper than that cologne I like, I wouldn't continue to rub a car air freshener on my face, day after day. That would be stupid.

My wife: Yes, it would.

Me: I plan to keep it in my back pocket from now on.

My wife: Man Town deserves you.



*shout out to Domestic Goddess for the totally awesome name that Yankee Candle missed out on. Check out her blog and tell her Johnny sent ya.

35 comments:

  1. Anonymous11:41 PM

    Wait a minute - you keep ManTown in your back pocket? There's a joke here somewhere.

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    1. Anonymous10:20 AM

      hahahhahah i'ma gonna go out and sniff these now at the local hallmark....lol

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  2. Wait, those candles are REAL? I thought you photoshopped that...

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  3. I love the smell of Man Town in the morning. Brilliant and so funny. Father's Day gifts are a no brainer this year. I'm posting the link to this on my FB page to send some friends you way.

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  4. Thanks for starting my morning off with a laugh. I actually sprayed a little coffee out of my nose, but it was worth it!

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    Replies
    1. Was it a Starbucks? Because that stuff will do some bad things to your nasal passages, let me tell ya.

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  5. Anonymous10:54 AM

    Oh Johnny, thank you again for filling my day with such humorous tidbits. You rock!

    Holly

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    Replies
    1. Thanks Holly. Now that I'm down to basic cable, I hope to write more ridiculousness.

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  6. 15 minute lunch is the best blog out there! Absolutely hilarious and so well written. Thanks for all the laughs and good-hearted cheer.

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    1. Tell your friends! Tell your enemies! Tell your frenemies

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  7. Christal3:57 PM

    When I first heard about these candles, I wondered if they would become blog fodder for you. Even better and funnier than I imagined. Thanks for always making me laugh. I am currently reading your book, and loving it as well. Just need to remember not to bring it with me to places like the hospital waiting room; outbursts of laughter are generally not viewed well in such "serious" settings.

    Cheers!

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    Replies
    1. Thanks christal, I'm glad you're getting a laugh out of it!

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  8. Linda4:42 PM

    At least Man Town smells better than your ealier speculations!

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    Replies
    1. I know, it took a lot out of me to admit that it was my favorite. I fully expected to hate it.

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  9. Just so you know, Gold Canyon Candles has one that smells like Motor Oil. Really.

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    Replies
    1. Is that the same place that makes the candle called smell my nuts?

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  10. Anonymous12:30 AM

    Why on EARTH would they market candles for men? Do hetero men even consider purchasing candles?
    I do love Yankee Candle, even though they're way overpriced. Clean Cotton smells SO GOOD. I suspect I woud totally dig the grass one, even though (?) I'm a girl.
    Thanks for the chuckle, as always!

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  11. Anonymous1:53 PM

    Made me laugh out loud at work again JV. Thanks!

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  12. Anonymous2:46 PM

    I am new to this blog, and can I just say that I haven't laughed this hard in a while. I have tears in my eyes. Thank you for your humor....carry on!

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  13. You do know that you are supposed to open that wrapper the teeniest little bit, right? Because in a hot car, a fully unwrapped brand new Yankee Car Jar would first teabag, then strangle you with whatever flavor/scent/neurology it is supposed to be. They are like the sun. You don't want to look directly at them. Or...smell directly at them.

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    Replies
    1. Yeah, I can totally see that.

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  14. Anonymous9:18 PM

    Are you uncomfortable with the fact that you like the scent of man-candle?

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    1. Man-TOWN. And no, I've come to terms with it. I mean, I wouldn't buy it for 27 bucks, but I'd accept it as a gift.

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  15. So, where's the quintessential mandle? The Locker Room scent? Also, Farts.

    Mandles haven't arrived until those two are included.

    Hubby will simply have to make his own scentxperience until then.

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  16. Heatherton6:27 PM

    Ha - I love the shot of Nick at the desk... funniest show ever. But, if you actually start burning mandles... I'm afraid you'll be a Schmidt.

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    1. I already have one of these in the manbulance. I may already be Schmidt.

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  17. Anonymous12:17 PM

    Ok, I had enough of mandles. Where's the next post?
    How about a sailboat update? I've been wondering how the boat is performing.

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    1. last year was a wash because I chopped my finger off. This year we're hoping to get it out on the water. Shopping for a good outboard motor right now.

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  18. it's funny that you're so oblivious to sports references that you think First Down and Touchdown are the same thing and nobody else called you out for it.

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    1. What? What are you talking about? No, I know they're different. I could even tell you what one of them is. Probably.

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  19. Anonymous9:36 PM

    Guess what I just got for father's day! That's right, Man Town and First Down car air fresheners. Thanks Johnny! 'Course, I also got a new car, so I won't start using them just yet.

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  20. There's no wrong time for man town.

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  21. I am so glad CJ turned me on to your blog! This was a great way to start my Friday, thanks! Now I can't wait to go find these and check out Man Town myself. Hubs doesn't normally wear cologne -- I like his shampoo and conditioner so much I don't care -- but I may have to get him one of these to hang in the home office.

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