5/16/12

These are real.

I found out today that Yankee Candle is now selling candles for men.


I don't even know where to begin. This is either a fantastic idea or the stupidest thing I've ever seen. I guess it depends upon how well they're implemented.

Take Riding Mower, for instance. It's clearly not just the smell of freshly-cut grass, or they would have named it "Freshly Cut Grass." No, this is Riding muthafukin' Mower, so my guess is that it has a more testosterone-y* smell to it. I'm betting this one has a top note of cut grass, however the middle note is probably gasoline and warm beer. They have to throw some realism in there, or it won't work. They can take it too far though, and that's what I'm worried about. If it were really realistic, ten minutes after you lit it, it would suddenly start smelling like you just chopped up a fresh pile of dog shit by mistake.

As a woodworker, one of my favorite smells in the entire world is the smell of freshly-planed pine boards. So I admit to you all that if this 2x4 candle smells anything like that, I'm buying a case of them. Of course, they do cost $27 each, which is not cheap for a candle. I could just go out to my shop, plane some pine boards, stuff the shavings into an old tube sock and hang it on the wall with a nail, but because I have a wife I will (probably) not do that. Not more than once, anyway.

But I'm willing to bet they screwed this up. Knowing Yankee Candle and their propensity toward making candles that smell like various baked goods, it probably smells mostly like wood, but eventually you'll notice the subtle undertone of Keebler Elf sex and underage gingerbread men.

"First Down" has a picture of a football on it, so I'm probably not qualified to judge. I haven't been forced to throw a football since high school, and every one of them smelled like a combination of dirt, wet leather and body odor. I can't imagine this scent would be appealing to anyone, but you never know.

Lastly, there's one they left out of the group shot:



I can't even imagine what this one smells like. Unwashed ass? Athlete's Foot? Moldy jock straps wrapped in a wet towel? In my experience, the whole point of lighting one of the Yankee Candles that smell like Keebler Elf sex is to to cover up anything that smells even a little like "Man Town."

Either way, I'm curious as to how these will do. In the meantime, I have another idea for them -- I call them "Complementary Scents."

So if, for instance, you cooked haddock last night and your house now smells like fish, instead of trying to get rid of it, you can just light up this candle and BAM! - you're good to go:




I'm tellin' ya, it can't miss.



*Testosterony - the other San Francisco treat

32 comments:

  1. For $27 each, they better include a hot supermodel to personally light the candle whenever I want.

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    1. I think they have another candle that smells like hot supermodel.

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  2. Meh - $27 at a normal store, $12 at Kohl's on sale and with your 20% off coupon. I'll buy the 2x4 one too, if it really smells like a 2x4. But I don't think these are really for men - they're for desperate spinsters who want to *pretend* they have a man around. Or people who just, you know, like those scents and don't get them from a couch potato.

    Maybe your wife could crochet you a cute little shavings-holder?

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    1. If you see a 2x4 for 10 bucks pick it up for me. I'll get my wife right on that.

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  3. Anonymous10:29 PM

    Gotta love their description of the "Man Town" scent: "Escape to the man cave with this masculine blend of spices, woods and musk." Given that the photo on the front of the candle is a man watching TV with his remote handy, I'm willing to bet that that "musk" should really be defined as "funk."

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    1. Musk like in a bear cave in the spring.

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  4. Besides women who are tired of men complaining about the scent of candles in the house, I know who buys these. I have a buddy who spent the entire week before our deep sea fishing trip talking about what we were all gonna wear.

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  5. I sniggered my whole way through that post, but the thing I find most funny is that you seem to know how candles are put together--at least three scents to them, sometimes not in a mixture you'd think would work.

    *I* know this because my sister is a chronic Bath & Bodyworks employee. I'm wondering how *you* know it.

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    1. OK, here's the deal. I'm a big Tom Robbins fan. I am pretty sure I could have been a "nose" in another life.

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  6. You guys are lucky to have candles smell like this. If they made a Canadian candle, it would probably smell like bacon, or moose...b-a-c-o-n....that may just work!

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  7. Saw these on the today show & thought it was a joke. Had a good laugh, but was expecting something like 'Electronics Store'. Hey, syghtsnbytes...I would be all over that Canadian candle, if the top note was bacon and there were hints of Nanaimo Bars.

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  8. Since I loathe floral AND food scented candles, I like these. I would by 2x4, since I love the smell of Home Depot, and Man Town sounds awesome.

    But they missed the boat with no "Bacon" scent.

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    1. I'm pretty sure man town has bacon in it. They just don't put it on the jar.

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  9. I think I smell a Father's Day present! :-)

    Seriously, these are a riot. I'm okay with the 2x4 one but that's about it. I dunno, maybe lighting the "Riding Mower" one would be just the subtle hint my husband needs to be reminded to cut the lawn (he seems to enjoy testing my patience by letting it go just one day longer than I'd like, and I can't say anything or then it's about four days and I'm awaiting a knock on the door from our HOA). Or, I'd just break out in a riot of sneezing since I'm allergic to grass. Probably not a good idea...

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  10. Too damn funny. Now I'm sorry I didn't go into the Yankee Candle store in the mall last weekend! I could have enjoyed the melange of odors AND seen these ridiculous new flavors.

    Thanks for a laugh as usual.
    Peace <3
    Jay

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    1. Walking into that store is almost as bad as walking into Abercrombie. The stench will knock you over.

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  11. So many scented possibilities: Cheesedoodles, Pub Alley, Brake and Muffler Shop, Baked Beans, Grease and the ever popular Mold and Old Grass Clippings.

    Gotta wonder, is Yankee Candle desperate and heading towards Chapter 11?

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    1. Brake and Muffler shop! There's a distinct smell for you. It's like quick-lube with welding.

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  12. Alright....you're kinda brilliant. I must say...loving the whole man candles thing... For a laugh anyways. Who comes up with this shit? No wait - who buys this shit? I look forward to reading more and more. Cheers.

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  13. Upstate Broad9:26 PM

    My first really serious boyfriend managed a transmission shop. When they come out with one that smells like transmission fluid and metal shavings I am soooooo investing $27, because even though it's been 27 years since I've seen him, that smell still gets to me! Until then, that 2x4 one sounds divine to me, and if that sock-and-sawdust thing works, please let me know!

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  14. Anonymous7:55 AM

    As an avid hunter, I think a deer piss candle might be nice. I could just light it under my tree stand and bring em right in. Also, it might just be nice around the office so that I could imagine I'm out in the woods sitting in a tree. Come to think of it, I do have a bottle of deer piss left over from that fall. I think I also have some parafin and today I get home about an hour before my wife.

    Hey Ferb, I know what we're going to do today! (sorry, you guys probably won't get that unless you have kids or really, really good taste in saturday morning cartoons).

    Dave

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  15. You know, I'd buy a candle that smelled like bacon. And I'm a vegetarian.

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  16. Anonymous2:23 PM

    As soon as I saw that, I was reminded of the "Shower Products For Men" blog post by Allie Brosh. This was made into a 1000% Awesome youtube video. Your day is NOT complete until you've watched this:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jUjh4DE8FZA

    Original blog post here: http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/04/how-to-make-showering-awesome-again.html

    I'm here for ya'..
    -Mike from CA

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    1. Anonymous3:46 PM

      I forgot to add - this lovely collection also addresses Manly Scents. Ok, then..

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  17. Can we call them Mandles? This post is awesome. thanks for the laugh. ~DG

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    1. BWHAHAHA mandles, awesome!

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  18. I have been reading you for eons. Or four years. I have kids, maybe you understand my math. ANyhoo... HILARIOUS. I am so sharing this with the Husband. SO SHARING> and Keebler Elf Sex...HILARIOUS. LOVE. Thank you as always.

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  19. LOST my shit with the Tartar Sauce. Well done.

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  20. Are these real? why would you want your house to smell like any of these, except maybe 2x4, I quite like the smell of wood. I love your blog.

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