6/25/10

There's this guy, see, and he has this job as a reporter...

I just switched from DirecTV to Time Warner cable for a variety of reasons. First, my phone, internet and TV are all on one (still too large) combined bill, but I'm paying around the same amount as I was for the DirecTV, Verizon phone and DSL combo, and I get more for my money.

Faster internet, unlimited long distance and more reliable television. My satellite dish was ridiculous. It seemed like my television and Superman's powers had the same thing in common -- they both shit the bed every time a cloud blocked off Earth's yellow sun.

Speaking of Superman, the other thing I hated about DirectTV was their guide -- before this, I had Dish Network, and the info on the movie always showed who starred in it, and gave a good description of what the movie was about. DirectTV didn't even try most of the time, although they were getting a little better lately about showing you most of the cast information. The descriptions were still pretty pathetic, and sometimes less than useless. Here's an example from the other day that made me laugh:


So here we have a movie called "Superman" and yet the man's story seems somehow...completely less-than-super. It's the story of an alien from another planet, growing up on earth only to get tied down to the same kind of crappy 9-5 job that most of us have. I don't know about you, but watching someone slowly become a reporter just sounds boring. I mean, if you substitute Erie, PA for Krypton and Albany, NY for Earth, it's basically my life.

I don't know if the writer just assumes everyone already knows the story of Superman so he doesn't feel the need to tell us anything at all about the whole "super" part, or if he's just so bored shitless at his depressing job of writing info blurbs for DirecTV that he doesn't even try anymore.

I'm leaning toward the second explanation, because if it were the first, I assume he'd write something like, "Hello? Faster than a speeding bullet? More powerful than a locomotive? It's SUPERMAN, for god's sake. You all know this story, and it's freaking awesome so watch this movie right now."

Instead, I'm picturing this guy in a small, cramped office, somewhere in orbit,* hunched over an old PC, typing away with two fingers while he contemplates hanging himself when he gets back to the planet surface where that would actually work.

Here are some others I imagined he'd write, given the chance:

Peter Parker, part-time photographer and full-time loser, barely makes ends meet after his uncle dies.

Young Bruce Wayne unexpectedly inherits the vast family fortune.

Diana Prince has a fight with her mother and leaves home.

Bruce Banner deals with his guilt and his anger management problem.

Steve Rogers, a skinny fine arts major, is rejected by the army.

Frank Castle and his family enjoy a relaxing picnic in Central Park.

First one to name them all gets a prize.

And no cheating. Or I'll send that blind lawyer guy over to your house to litigate your ass.

*where my direcTV signal comes from

22 comments:

  1. Since I can't cheat, I'll have to guess on the last two:

    1. Spiderman
    2. Batman
    3. Wonder Woman
    4. The Incredible Hulk
    5. Iron Man
    6. The Green Lantern

    If I guessed wrong, can I have part of a prize?

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  2. Spiderman, Batman, Wonder Woman, Incredible Hulk, Captain America, The Punisher. What do I win?

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  3. James4:40 PM

    Spiderman, Batman, Wonder Woman, Hulk, Captain America, Punisher

    Plus Daredevil reference at end.

    ....I need to get out more.

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  4. Too late to win the prize I guess. But a few months ago when I was in New York, I had the Time Warner Guide pulled up and noticed a QVC segment called "Fine Looking Jew..." Time Warner is very supportive of it's Jewish crowd.

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  5. Goddammit. Strike the apostrophe in it's. I know better than that. Shine, if you're reading, I'm sorry.

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  6. We have a winner! Jen, do you swear on Professor Xavier's left wheel that you didn't cheat?

    If so, here's your prize

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  7. SWEET! Pez! Nope, I swear Professor Xavier's entire chair there was no cheating. I have younger brother, who, when we were kids, was obsessed with all things superhero. Suffice it to say I know more about Thor's hammer than your average female. This is literally the first time that knowledge has ever paid off.

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  8. And handsomely! Shoot me your address to my profile email.

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  9. James6:46 PM

    Noooooo! Smartass Daredevil remark does me in again! Precious seconds wasted...

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  10. Could you repeat the question?

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  11. I have Dish. It has Spanish porn. I win.

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  12. Too funny - sad fact - I knew all but one - best part - the ending about the "blind lawyer". I think you missed your calling - should be writing mundane jingles or something. Thanks for the laughs!!

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  13. I wonder if these summaries vary by location. I've had DirecTV for a couple years and NEVER get anything funny! Come on tv programmer guy, show Texas some love!

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  14. Little Fish10:52 AM

    No cheating (and no peeking at the other answers) my father would either be proud that his daughter paid attention during the comic talks or dissapointed I blurred them together.

    Good show of Marvel over DC though.

    1 Spiderman
    2 Batman
    3 Miss Marvel?
    4 The Hulk
    5 Captain America
    6 Not a freaking clue. Damn.

    And, by the way, I still think sonar is a type of sight. What? Submarines use it for crying out loud.

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  15. My favorite has to be a TV Guide description of "The Wizard of Oz" that read: "Transported to a surreal environment, a young girl kills the first woman she encounters then teams up with three strangers to kill again."

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  16. Kathy C1:52 PM

    The Direct TV blurb writer position has probably been outsourced to India. It's a communication issue....

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  17. Anonymous4:20 PM

    Kathy C said that this job may have been outsourced to India and this is a communication problem. So I put this in an online translator from Hindi to English and this is what I got.

    "Jor-El krypton the Earth, where he works as Clark Kent and daily sends your child on the planet to grow."

    I love the way these translators twist a statement around till it's completely incomprehensible...but a lot more funny than the original.

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  18. Peter Parker, part-time photographer and full-time loser, barely makes ends meet after his uncle dies.
    Spider-Man
    Young Bruce Wayne unexpectedly inherits the vast family fortune.
    Batman
    Diana Prince has a fight with her mother and leaves home.
    Wonder Woman
    Bruce Banner deals with his guilt and his anger management problem.
    Incredible Hulk
    Steve Rogers, a skinny fine arts major, is rejected by the army.
    Captain America
    Frank Castle and his family enjoy a relaxing picnic in Central Park.
    Punisher
    blind lawyer guy over to your house to litigate your ass.
    Daredevil

    and.... bonus questions:

    Brilliant surgeon who loses the use of his hands?

    Stunt man whose future father in law dies, not of cancer, but in a fiery crash?

    Mercenary betrayed by colleague, whose wife marries another man?

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  19. Kale: the first one has to be Dr. Strange, but the other two don't ring a bell. Are they 'newer' characters, perhaps?

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  20. I hope the Frank Castle family wasn't bitten by rabid racoons while they were picnicing in Central Park.

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  21. This is funny AND informative. Why? My husband and I hate T-W but I can live with it and he's always threatening to get a satellite dish. I just read your critique of Dish Network, etc to him and he's rethinking it. Of course, the entire pay tv thing is the biggest rip off in the universe and there's no competition among cable networks because they have monopolies in their territories so you are their captive unless of course you can do without tv and save all the damn money. I keep saying that's what we should do...read, watch Netflix and use the computers. Great. Now I'm ranting.

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  22. Stunt man whose future father in law dies, not of cancer, but in a fiery crash?




    GhostRider?

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