There's this guy, see, and he has this job as a reporter...

I just switched from DirecTV to Time Warner cable for a variety of reasons. First, my phone, internet and TV are all on one (still too large) combined bill, but I'm paying around the same amount as I was for the DirecTV, Verizon phone and DSL combo, and I get more for my money.

Faster internet, unlimited long distance and more reliable television. My satellite dish was ridiculous. It seemed like my television and Superman's powers had the same thing in common -- they both shit the bed every time a cloud blocked off Earth's yellow sun.

Speaking of Superman, the other thing I hated about DirectTV was their guide -- before this, I had Dish Network, and the info on the movie always showed who starred in it, and gave a good description of what the movie was about. DirectTV didn't even try most of the time, although they were getting a little better lately about showing you most of the cast information. The descriptions were still pretty pathetic, and sometimes less than useless. Here's an example from the other day that made me laugh:

So here we have a movie called "Superman" and yet the man's story seems somehow...completely less-than-super. It's the story of an alien from another planet, growing up on earth only to get tied down to the same kind of crappy 9-5 job that most of us have. I don't know about you, but watching someone slowly become a reporter just sounds boring. I mean, if you substitute Erie, PA for Krypton and Albany, NY for Earth, it's basically my life.

I don't know if the writer just assumes everyone already knows the story of Superman so he doesn't feel the need to tell us anything at all about the whole "super" part, or if he's just so bored shitless at his depressing job of writing info blurbs for DirecTV that he doesn't even try anymore.

I'm leaning toward the second explanation, because if it were the first, I assume he'd write something like, "Hello? Faster than a speeding bullet? More powerful than a locomotive? It's SUPERMAN, for god's sake. You all know this story, and it's freaking awesome so watch this movie right now."

Instead, I'm picturing this guy in a small, cramped office, somewhere in orbit,* hunched over an old PC, typing away with two fingers while he contemplates hanging himself when he gets back to the planet surface where that would actually work.

Here are some others I imagined he'd write, given the chance:

Peter Parker, part-time photographer and full-time loser, barely makes ends meet after his uncle dies.

Young Bruce Wayne unexpectedly inherits the vast family fortune.

Diana Prince has a fight with her mother and leaves home.

Bruce Banner deals with his guilt and his anger management problem.

Steve Rogers, a skinny fine arts major, is rejected by the army.

Frank Castle and his family enjoy a relaxing picnic in Central Park.

First one to name them all gets a prize.

And no cheating. Or I'll send that blind lawyer guy over to your house to litigate your ass.

*where my direcTV signal comes from