9/26/09

Everybody is Sick. It's not just me.

Yesterday I had the day off from work, which is probably a good thing because as I said in my last post, I'm sick. I decided that I would lay around all day and stream Netflix, since I didn't really feel well enough to do anything else.

When I first turned on the television, I couldn't believe my eyes. I saw a stage, two burly security guards, and two black dudes beating the hell out of each other, and a cheering studio audience. One black dude was wearing tight black pants and a muscle shirt (and was completely devoid of muscles) and the other one wasn't wearing a shirt at all, and had about 8" of his underwear showing because his pants were so low they were about to fall off.

WTF? I thought to myself. Is this the sort of shit stay-at-home moms get into when their kids are at school?

Apparently, it is.

It got weirder. The bouncer guys broke up the fight and then the two black dudes started talking smack to each other. They were both flaming homosexuals. Turns out one was a stripper/pole dancer and the other was a ballet dancer. They were lovers. Why were they cat-fighting on television?

Because the ballet dancer slept with the pole dancer's sister, that's why. Normally I wouldn't know what's required to get the sister of a gay pole dancer to put out, but apparently a square meal is all that it takes.

I learned all this in approximately 20 seconds. Then I realized with horror that I was watching Jerry Springer. I guess it's been a while since I've seen this show, because I didn't remember it being one step away from a boxing ring. All that was missing were the ropes. I certainly didn't remember bouncers, and a studio audience that was basically one step away from a full-scale riot, but I guess that's what it's come down to. The episode was called "Dancing Queens" which was clever and also very, very obvious.

As I watched, whatever they were talking about devolved into another bitchslap-fest, and that somehow turned into some sort of surreal grudge-match dance-off, because the one dude started doing very angry pirouettes and the other one started riding a pole and doing jiggly things with his ass that made me want to dig my eyes out and then I couldn't take another second of it and I could feel my mind melting inside my skull and I was desperately clawing at my chest for a non-existent radio mic to call in a major airstrike on the entire studio.

Daytime TV sure isn't what it used to be.

25 comments:

  1. So, when do you start therapy?

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  2. I only watch that show for Jerry's insightful comments at the end of the show. And for the Lesbian Midget Hookers who are obsessed with the show Fact Of Life and go around beating up old ladies named Mrs.Garrett.

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  3. Anonymous7:38 PM

    I Love Lucy and Andy Griffith...

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  4. JV try watching daytime in Mexico -I think TELEMUNDO! is responsible for all the violence here - they have to run around shooting each other to put themselves out of their misery.

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  5. Yeah...but eventually you get to see some pixelated boobies. And that's tiiiiiiiight.

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  6. watching dr phil and oprah used to lower my self esteem to the point where i felt fat and lazy. tv during the day is a waste of mind.

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  7. When my husband was home on worker's comp for 3 months, he lived for daytime TV. He couldn't move around much, so he would call & fill me in several times a day on situations like that. I was so, so grateful when he went back to work.

    Might I recommend reading/listening to a book? Either way, I hope you feel better soon!

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  8. Anonymous10:11 PM

    Does this mean you've found your guilty pleasure?? That's how it starts... one minute you're watching something God-awful...then you find yourself thinking about it later...and the next day... and then you ask yourself if Jerry Springer can top that..... So you watch another episode.

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  9. I didn't even know Springer was still on the air! I wish I got Wende Williams- when I see her clips on the Soup she's a trainwreck!

    I've been sick for 2 weeks now with the flu/cold/whatever. Feel better- this sucks.

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  10. My husband is self employed and is often home during the day - he LOVES that shit esp. Steve Wilkos. I think it's supposed to be geared toward college age people rather than stay at home moms - whose ears are usually bleeding during episodes of Barney.

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  11. my poison: reruns of "the sopranos" on a&e. i love the goofy substitutions for swear words.

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  12. Marianne - at least that has a plot. It's not like they put big pussy and Tony Soprano in a boxing ring and had them insult each other until they start fighting.

    Although I think that happened in one episode, now that I think about it.

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  13. So, Ok, now you know why not all stay at home moms turn the TV on, lol.

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  14. I know someone who knows someone who has been on Jerry Springer. Twice. I am three people removed from Jerry Springer. This terrifies me in so many ways.

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  15. I spent several weeks this summer recovering from surgeries, and found daytime TV, no matter what channel, would just work WITH the Vicodin and put me back to sleep. It should be registered as a narcotic substance, like Garrison Keillor's voice, which will make you order audio books you'd never buy if not under the influence.

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  16. No, Stay at Home Moms, like me (I also run 3 part time jobs and clean my own house as well as my elderly parents that I take care of and raise my three little boys-one whom I teach preK to), read your blog for entertainment....even scarier than daytime TV lol....

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  17. The aristocrats?

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  18. Rachel4:09 PM

    Eh, I watched Jerry Springer 2 or 3 times years ago. It was pretty much like that then. I think those things just fade from most peoples' memories. Sort of like with the pain of childbirth.

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  19. My wife was in the hospital last week with a broken wrist. I had the pleasure of watching daytime TV. I had my share of Regis and Kelly. I recall the horror days when Kathy Lee "squeeze a fruit for Anita" Gifford. I was watching "The View" and, well I hate to say it, I liked the show. I don't know if it is Whoopi clever one liners, or is it Joy? BTW Joy is my newest best friend :)

    As for Jerry's show, I am guilty to admit I watch it for the smackdown and the pixelation :)
    It's like watching wrestling in the daytime.

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  20. Alli, I fell on the floor when you mentioned Barney. I had to close my ears and eyes muttering "la la la la this isn't happening"

    The other day I had off (some rare ocasion, like a national holidy or something) and Blue's Clues was on. We started watching it. Joe is on it now. Remember Steve???

    I don't know why we do it. Maybe we think the next show will be better or is it like glued to a train wreck or car crash.

    As for children's show, Now Teletubbies, that was a ??? show :)
    Eh-ohhh!!!

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  21. Anonymous5:46 PM

    ANGRY PIROUETTES!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA

    sometimes i fake sickness so i can stay home and watch daytime tv
    the judge shows - what ppl will sue over is hilarious!!!
    DNA results for is this man your babies daddy? "you slept with how many men that nite?"
    steve wilkos - YES!!!!

    i am amazed at what ppl will do to get on tv!!! it's like rubber necking at a car accident - you just can't stop watching!

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  22. Anonymous9:53 PM

    Ya know one of them teletubbies was gay.

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  23. I almost never say this, but I need to watch more TV. Also, what kind of hiking boots did you finally settle on?

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  24. Chris, I ended up buying the Meindl Perfeckt 7" hiker. They are the most comfortable boots I've ever owned. I am not sure about longevity, since they seem too good to be true, but I guess I'll see....

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  25. ahahahahhahaha. Jerry isn't what it use to be. I use to love Jerry but that was 15 years ago when I didn't quite have a brain.

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