A bargain at any price.

I was reading the news the other day, and this headline caught my eye:

LAGOS (Reuters) -A Nigerian court has granted temporary reprieve to an 84-year-old Muslim preacher with 86 wives after local leaders threatened to force him to leave the area unless he divorced all but four of them.

One, that's a shitload of wives by any religion's standards. Two, how do you bargain it down to four as an acceptable number?

"You may only have one wife!"

"I will accept no less than 20!"

"You may have two! That is all!"

"I will have ten! That is my final offer!"

"You are a good preacher. Because of that, we will go as high as three!"

"I am a great preacher. I deserve no less than eight!"

"Four, or we cut off your balls and feed them to a camel."


Apparently, Sharia Law says 4 is the magic number. I'm willing to bet he followed the FIFO accounting method, because let's face it -- wives 83 through 86 have to be way hotter than wives 1-4 at this point. Although if he were smart, he'd go with at least one wife in the high 50's because every wife after 80 is probably like 12 years old, and not really that great at cooking, cleaning and doing the laundry.

I don't know about this Sharia law stuff. Even four sounds like a lot to me. I only have the one wife and frankly, I don't think I have the energy for any number higher than that.

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  1. nigerians with nearly 100 wives frighten me. just think how many fraudulent emails that family would generate per day?

  2. Holy shit! 84 wives??? 84 f'ing wives!!!!!
    Damn! I don't know what else to say.

  3. hey, i passed an award your way today! enjoy....

  4. According to my husband I will never have to worry about him cheating on me because he too cannot handle more than the one wife he has.

    And just to bring it all down a notch, can you imagine the hormones that must flow through that household one week out of the month?!

  5. I'm with fishsticks and fireflies--any man who wants a surplus of wives deserves the massive PMS that inevitably will result from so many women...

  6. Since it is a proven fact that women who live together evolve their periods to come at the same time. I cannot imagine that week in his house!! He would do well to flee to Siberia at least once per month, right?

    You gave me my first really good laugh of the day!

  7. 86 wives? oy vey, what a bargain!

  8. my poor dad lived with 4 women (3 daughters and 1 wife). the amount of money he spent on toilet paper and tampons probably would have bought him that jag he's always wanted.

  9. p jane10:14 AM

    As a woman happy to be the lone female in a house with hubby and three sons I cannot fathom dealing with that many other chicks. (Dealing with five female co-workers on a daily basis proves to be too much some days.)

    Nice rings :) Considering my own wedding ring was an internet purchase I don't find online ring shopping odd, especially not compared to men with 84 wives. Then again, hubby and I were married in the Marriage Commissioner's den with only our parents in attendance. We didn't have rings (for three years) and I wore black, so we weren't the target "dream wedding" demographic.

  10. Just think, Johnny..

    If he really has his stuff together, he'd probably keep one old lady to take care of the grandkids, one middle-aged one to take care of the house, one early 20's one for cooking and kids, and one really young one for his slave.

    That way, he could have his cake, and eat it too!

    As long as the other 80 didn't band together to hire a hitman to cap his ass..

  11. Some random chick1:04 PM

    I've watched those shows on TLC, Discovery, etc. on the Mormon-based polygamists, and I'm pretty sure that I'd make a horrible plural wife...I don't share my toys well. haha

    As far as the Internet rings, my hubby and I bought our wedding bands online, thru a jeweler in Dublin! We wanted something Celtic, and of course in po-dunk Idaho they don't sell nuddin' like that...

  12. Anonymous7:46 PM

    That would be 83 through 86, by the way.

  13. My SAT Scores: 720 reading/writing, 540 math. 'nuff said.

  14. go with one in the high 50"s? Shoot almost ruined my new laptop spitting out water laughing!

  15. You are a whore... but that kind of advertisement will not be possible in the book... will you miss it? No, I did not follow the link; this gay man is not planning on getting wed any time soon... although it's legal here.

  16. Doreus, I had written the post and then got the offer and it sorta tied in. They wanted a display ad for a year but I wasn't too keen on that...so I threw them a freebie. I'll probably never see anything for it, so no, I won't miss it. But doing it once in a while makes me feel like I'm not completely wasting my time.

  17. I bought my ring through a catalog (didn't have online then). I liked it because it was different, and only $200 or so. Still, x 84, that's, like...I dunno, the cost of a car?

    We're almost Twinkies on the SAT! Must be why I didn't even notice the discrepancy.

  18. "Four, or we cut off your balls and feed them to a camel."

    F'ing hilarious. That almost made my headcold feel better. Oh wait. Then I tried to vote for you at Humor-blogs for the eighty-fourth time and couldn't so now my head feels shitty again. Thanks for nothing.

  19. You took the bling. How will I ever be able to believe anything you say. Sob.

  20. The negotiations kill me!
    Tungsten Carbide wedding rings? Who knew!

  21. Arabella, you should know better than to believe anything I say just on general principle. I didn't take the bling, I AGREED to take the bling and they stiffed me. There's a subtle difference.

  22. rosie-b10:08 PM

    Ahh ha ha ha! Too freaking funny.

    I've known a number of people who practiced polygamy, It doesn't work most of the time. Never nearly as much fun as the men think it'll be.

  23. I love how the link to impressing your 84th wife sends people to a page of male wedding bands. I guess once you get to number 84 there's probably not much of a distinction!

  24. This guy has it easy when you think about it, though. He doesn't have to give the whole "It's not you, it's me" speech.

    "It's not you, it's not me... the government's making me do it."

    Who's going to argue with that? (I guess it also means no alimony...)

  25. I see an opportunity for a fantastic new reality TV show here!
    "So you think you can... continue to be my wife"...
    The fun you could have.

    I wouldn't watch it of course, I hate that crap, but the small-minded little shit in me would find it funny.

  26. I like the bargaining process you came up with. I also enjoy your thinking on keeping at least one older wife. Threeyoung ones are probably sufficient.

  27. 84 wives...you could see your own children on the street and not even know them, just from the sheer numbers. And for sure he has a supply of those blue pills handy.

  28. We had a lecture on 'marriage in medieval Islam', and apparently they can have only 4 wives, but as many concubines as they like. Divorce them, buy them a nice flat that your wives don't know about... Done. Sharia-legal.