Tongs? Really? Man, I lead a sheltered life.

It's time once again for one of my semi-regular features, since I'm still formulating my next "real" post. Google searchers have been letting me down lately but I've still managed to catch a few gems. For your reading pleasure, I now present:

Fantastic Google Searches That Somehow Led People To My Site:

my wife jokingly says I have a small penis -- I hate to break it to you Tiny Tim, but she's probably not joking. Women in general and wives in particular don't usually joke about that. I suppose it's always possible that your wife has a freakishly large vagina and an extremely limited sexual history. Otherwise, you probably have a little wiener.

I can do it for a minute girl - Unless you're talking about the Iron Cross, I would suggest that you do not include that small detail in your e-Harmony profile or Craigslist personal ad because contrary to what you may think -- 60 seconds of frantic, rabbit-like humping is not the way to set the bar high, my friend.

your ass is like school in the summer time -- I'm not sure if this is supposed to be an insult or a compliment. I had to make up a portion of a class in summer school once, and let me tell you, it sucked. And unless you count the smell of sweaty teenagers there was nothing ass-like about it. School during the summer was oppressive, dusty and half empty, and I've never seen an ass with that description. On the other hand, just thinking about going there made me want to kill myself and gouge my eyes out, and I HAVE seen asses like that, so I think maybe it's a wash.

pictures of hot girls in hot bathing sutes with such big boobs there bursting out of there swim sutes -- I am not exactly sure which terms in this sentence landed you on my blog, but I have advice for you anyway. Stop searching for online porn and try searching for online English classes. You will be much better served in the long run. Sure, you'll temporarily have fewer boobs in your life, but eventually you will gain the spelling skills necessary to surf porn like a true expert.

picture of the worlds biggest butt wearing all clothing -- Thank you, anonymous Google searcher, for another odd and disturbing image I didn't need rolling around in my head. Theoretically, how big would a butt actually have to be to wear all the clothing there is? I'm guessing pretty big. I won't even dispute your theory that it would probably have to be the biggest butt in the world. I'm just thinking out loud here, but even if you located the butt, I'm willing to bet you'd have a hard time convincing everyone else in the world to donate all their clothes to your cause.

how big the penis should be at age 13 for a black kid -- Using my amazing powers of deduction, I will go out on a limb here and say this was typed by an insecure 13 year old black male. Unfortunately, I'm neither 13 years old nor black, so I am somewhat unqualified to answer your question. I am fairly certain, however, that any answer I could give you would include the phrase "bigger than mine."

granny porn without tongs -- Good luck with your search, my friend. Right now, you're probably out there on the internet up to your ass in vast amounts of easily obtainable granny porn WITH tongs. I know it's not quite the same thing, but the newest version of Photoshop has a tong-removal filter. Don't ask me how I know.

are girls actually unintelligent? -- Oooooooh, I can't believe you typed that directly into the internet. In fact, I can't believe you even thought that. Even as we speak, there are tens of thousands of female IT experts tracking down your ip address and then driving directly to your house because you are clearly a man who is looking for a serious ass-whooping.

how to know if you husband is gay -- I think I can help you with this one. Just take this short quiz:

1. Does your husband like penises? (Yes) (No)

If the answer is Yes, then in my limited experience, your husband is most likely gay.

That's all I have from Google this week. Right now I'm working on a story about when my mother took The Snitch, Houdini and me to a disgusting place called The Catskill Game farm. It wasn't pretty, but it was pretty funny.