Lust and found

Ladies and gents, I present you with this week's edition of:

Fantastic searches that somehow led people to my site

Are sharks attracted to dogs? - You know, I've often wondered this myself. If the dog was smokin' hot, and also an excellent swimmer, I could maybe see a quick roll in the hay, but a lasting relationship? I really can't see it working. The shark would have to keep moving all the time, the dog would get fed up with not being able to keep the kids in one school...It would end badly for everyone involved. But I won't rule it out completely, because we all know that opposites attack, er, attract.

Twisted Village - I had no idea they were even back together. At any rate, I would suggest just picking up this one CD and calling it a day:



It has all their very best stuff on it anyway.


Should you curl into a ball during a shark attack? - I guess the answer to this question depends on who you ask. If you ask the shark, the shark would say that yes - Sharks, as a group, generally appreciate ball-curling on the humans' part. Basically, it puts the crunchy shell on the outside, like an m&m. They love that.

How a wolfman would speak - I 'm not a wolfman, so I don't really knowoooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Jeez. I have no idea where that came from.

Dog shit attractant - I've had pretty good luck with these:



Shit smells. -- Clearly, this search was performed by a scientist researching a theory. The first step is to make an observation, e.g. "shit smells." The second step is to verify that the observation is not an anomaly and is totally repeatable, e.g. "yup, shit still smells." Obviously, the third and final step is to search the internet to see if anyone else has independently researched and published information similar to your discovery. Sadly, even though the clues were right in front of me, stuck to my shoe, I never put two and two together. I simply could not figure out where the smell was coming from, until it was too late. No scientific journal publication credit for me, I guess.

Anus leaching -- Oh Jesus save me. Leaching what? LEACHING WHAT? Oh. They meant BLEACHING. Yeah. That's much better.

How to get rid of an earwig's lodge in your ear -- I would call the building inspector. I'd bet good money that those bastards didn't even have a building permit. Also, I am pretty sure that a lot of it is probably not built to code. It will take a while, but you can get the structure condemned and then start eviction proceedings. I would do it soon, because I've heard rumors that they are looking for someone to burn it down for the insurance money.

Scrotum interrogation -- I'm really at a loss here, because I've never had to go to the police station to bail out my scrotum. Luckily, it has never been implicated in a drive-by shooting or any other violent crime, so I'm not really up to speed on the the latest and greatest scrotum interrogation techniques. I imagine it involves bright lights, small propane torches and some sort of nutcracker.

What to do to get your asshole ready for anal sex -- Here's another search that I really can't help with. However, I'm never one to hold off on advice even when I have no idea what I'm talking about, so I would suggest starting with maybe a really snappy bleaching. Make that sucker so white it glows in the dark. Make it hard to miss, in other words. An interrogation probably wouldn't hurt either -- failing that, I would at least have someone give it a stern talking to.

Good size for a ho train platform -- Another tough one. My feeling is that you're going to need a pretty big platform if you're going to start up a working ho train. I would suggest something at least three times the normal platform size and comfortably soft, since people will most likely be lying down rather than standing up. I would also suggest something that is easily hosed off. I am leaning towards vinyl padding, but I'll let you know which way I go once the project comes together and I make my first cross country run. You'll be able to get pre-sale tickets and investment information at www.hotrain.com when I finally get it up. I'm talking about the website. Get your mind out of the gutter, people.

It's over between us.

Courage. Commitment. Trust. All good things in a relationship, although sometimes tough to come by. Such was the case yesterday. I would like to briefly address these topics with the anonymous woman driving in front of me on the way home last night, since she seems to be in need of a little refresher.

Courage -- It was very commendable of you to decide that when the light turned yellow, you were going for it. This type of courage is not normally seen in women drivers. It warmed my heart to see you grab the bull by the horns, and I thoroughly enjoyed watching your car accelerate quickly away from mine. I smiled, because I could see that you were going to have plenty of time. So much time, in fact, that I quickly calculated that I would also have time to make the light, given your current rate of acceleration.

You were thinking of both of us, and I sincerely appreciate that. I suppose that could be mere wishful thinking on my part, and I realize now that it was probably more of an "every man for himself" kind of thing, but still. There had to be something there, or you could have tried to time it so that only you got through, but you didn't stoop to that level. Because of that, I honestly thought you cared.

Commitment -- Sadly my love, this is where we part ways. While I was committed to our relationship, apparently you were not. When you glanced to your left a moment after you gunned your engine and saw the cop sitting at the red light, your bravery and commitment evaporated instantly, and you slammed on your brakes. I would be the first one to forgive you for your sudden lack of courage and commitment, were I privy to your impending change of heart.

I tell you this to save you some heartache in future relationships: Going forward, it is imperative for you to understand that it is not permissible to change your mind mid-stomp and decide that you want to stop for the yellow after all. This is a Very Bad Thing, and causes the other person in the relationship to scream and yell and tightly pucker their nether-orifice as they swerve from side to side trying desperately to not plow your field. I only mention this so you know next time: A police officer will generally not give you a ticket for running a yellow light.

Trust -- I am normally a good judge of driving ability, and up until that moment, you seemed like you were the Master of your Vehicle. You were consistently 7-10 mph over the speed limit, you lined the curves, you didn't ride your brakes. You were decisive and confident. You handled that little foreign job like the true professional I believed you to be. You were everything I wanted.

I admit this to you, now that it's over.

I was falling in love with you.

That all changed in an instant, as it so often does. You betrayed my trust in you. You looked like you had it all together, but unfortunately for both of us, I was gravely mistaken. The sight of a single police car caused you to abandon your feelings for me, and go running to him.

I lost all respect for you. I don't think I'll be able to look at you the same way any longer.

In fact, I.....I don't think I can drive behind you anymore.

I'm sorry it had to end like this.

i-Rock

I know I've been neglecting my blogging duties, but I have a good reason.

I think I finally found the ultimate accessory for my iPod:



Right. I just got these bad boys, and I cannot TELL you how good it feels to have drumsticks in my hands again. I played in a rock band all through high school and most of college, and I missed playing a lot. When I moved into my first apartment, I traded the acoustics for an electronic set, but the technology wasn't quite there yet. I ended up selling them a short time later to buy a flatscreen monitor.

Not exactly the same as trading the Bluesmobile for a microphone, but close.

Anyway, these things are pretty amazing, and the feel is very natural. In fact, with your eyes closed, they don't feel like rubber at all. They have just the right bounce, and once you get used to them, they're easy to use. They could stand to be a bit bigger, but for the cheapest decent set available, they're pretty damn fine.

I realize that sounds like I'm describing my wife's new boob-job, but I'm not. I will say, however, that you would have to have some pretty spectacular knockers for me to be drawn away from this drum set any time soon.

I am still mulling over the answers to the war-pig test. I'll get back to you soon with the winners and the prizes.

I know. You can hardly wait.

War Pigs

Take a look at this.



Study it closely, because there's going to be a test. There are no incorrect answers. Basically, I'm looking for an answer from you guys, because nothing I can come up with explains this.

Let's go over a few things.

First, let's look at the product name: MURA: Military Pigs

That name seems to tie in nicely with the graphic, if those melon-headed, teardrop-eyed, rosy-cheeked little nightmare creatures can be considered pigs. They are clearly military somethings. One only needs to observe the bazooka-like weapon, the GI helmets and the gear belts in order to come to this conclusion.

Counter-balancing that, however, is (1) The complete lack of both clothes and genitalia, (2) The fact they they appear to be effortlessly standing on their hind legs, and (3) The fact that it appears to be snowing out. Not that it's entirely out of the question for extremely coordinated Military Pigs to conduct naked warfare in the snow -- but still.

So.

What would you expect to be inside this package? Ammunition? Bazooka operating instructions? Bacon-flavored pork-jerky?

Well, I can tell you that it's none of the above. What is inside happens to be exactly this:

Lightly scented facial tissues.

So here's your test. It's entirely essay based (I know, you guys hate that, but no multiple-choice for finals - only midterms), and you can place your answers in my comments section. The person who receives the highest grade will get a prize.

Question One: Pigs, while generally naked, do not normally engage in warfare with hand-held weapons, or, in fact, any weapons. Come to think of it, I'm pretty sure they rarely engage in warfare at all. In 50 words or less, explain what these pigs are fighting for.

Question Two: In 50 words or less, give me your best explanation as to how these pigs lost all their clothes, but managed to hang on to their helmets and belts.

Question Three: In 50 words or less, Explain what was going through the mind of the package designer when he/she/it decided that a good graphic for a small package of Kleenex would consist of naked, bi-pedal pigs holding a bazooka.

OK, pick up your pencils and begin.

I know too much. I'm probably a dead man.

So I get in the elevator to ride up to the fifth floor and a large woman I have never seen before gets on with me.

To me, the extent of conversation in an elevator with a person you don't know should be, at most, "What floor?" followed by a response consisting of a monosyllabic word, preferably a number, and then a button push on my part.

But no.

The split-second the doors close, she starts talking.

Here is the conversation, as it happened:

Me: "4th?"

Her: "Yes. please. Oh my God, I hope I can function today. I only got one hour's sleep last night. My daughter called as soon as I went to bed, and I ended up at the hospital because she was having contractions. I told her they were just going to send her home but no, she had to go anyway. They kept her there almost the entire night."

She pauses, then leans toward me a little bit, and gives me the conspiratorial whisper "She was scared, because last week she had some spotting."

Luckily, the elevator responded to my silent prayer of "ohjesuspleasegofasterpleasegofastergofaster" and the doors opened on the 4th floor and she got out.

I'm still dazed.

Finding Mr. Virgil

It's time for your weekly dose of....

Fantastic Searches That Somehow Pointed People To My Site

difference between exuding confidence and being annoying - In reality, these are generally one and the same. People who exude confidence are intrisically annoying. There is fine line between arrogance and awareness of self-worth, and the confidence-exuder walks this line. There is only one thing more annoying than a confidence-exuder, and that is an arrogant asshole. And the only thing worse than an arrogant asshole is an arrogant asshole who exudes unwarranted confidence.

rapid clacking noise on my washer - You are in luck, because I am an expert at fixing washers and dryers. OK, here's what you do. Look very closely at your washing machine. Tell me if it looks anything like this:



If it does, you have found the source of your problem. Do not get too close -- those things can be very dangerous. Immediately get a big stick and pound the shit out of it until your washer is covered in tiny, red and white slivers of plastic. The clacking should have stopped. Your washer is now fixed.

Washing machine won't go into rise cycle - Ugh. Magicians. They have no idea what to do when their appliances break down.

flaming doe scent - I've burned hair off my arm while grilling steaks, and lemme tell ya -- that shit stinks bad. You cannot get rid of that smell. I can only imagine how bad an entire flaming doe smells. It can't be good. I have no idea why you would even want to smell it.

How many hours should you space between breakfast and lunch? - I recommend spacing for at least an hour. What I like to do is grab some breakfast around 8, head back to my desk around ten thirty, then space for an hour or so until lunch. By then it's all downhill and almost time to leave.

Jolly Ranger candies - I'm not sure why, but this candy sounds much gayer than the Jolly Rancher version.

WGY CANT WE LOOK ET THE SUN - BECUASZ WE WIL GO BLINED AND NPOT BE ABL TO CEE THE KLEYBOARD REELG OOD.

wedgie instructions - OK, here you go: Grab the underwear firmly, using both hands if possible. (The single-handed wedgie is beyond the scope of this text, and will be covered next semester.) To avoid thumb injury, the proper form is very important. Hook the elastic waistband with four fingers of each hand. Ideally, you want all fingers on the inside of the elastic, and the thumbs on the outside. The thumbs should be almost touching, but be sure to leave a bit of slack to allow for the upward motion to follow. Once you have properly grabbed the underwear, jerk the underwear up quickly, using your shoulders and upper back. Do not lean forward too much or you will risk injuring your lower back. However, there is a caveat: Do not pull up too quickly. It is possible to completely rip the underwear if you are too over-exuberant, which immediately nullifies the worthiness of the wedgie. This botched wedgie only results in momentary pain. The best wedgie will result in a 4x increase in underwear length, and the pain will be continuous until the offending garments are extricated via out-patient surgery. You will know you have executed the perfect, text-book wedgie if both leg holes extend past the waistband by at least 3 inches, and the underwear has still not ripped.

Scrotum grabbing - I have no instructions here. Scratching, yes. Grabbing, not so much. My only advice for you would be not to go around doing it, unless asked.

How do you handle a lying bastard? - I'm not completely sure, but I'd put good money on the answer "Firmly, by the scrotum."

tell some real tip on how to be a good smart not scared model and funny model - Clearly, you've got your mastery of the english language down, (good enough to be a model, anyway) so I would suggest concentrating on being 5' 11" and really hot.

File under: Lies, Direct vs. Indirect

So I was watching 24 last night and trying not to have a heart attack and/or shit myself, when I saw another commercial on TV for the memory foam mattress. I have a problem with that commercial, and I'm going to tell you what it is.

Comfortable? I'm sure it is. That's probably not a lie. But the omissions are what get to me. I always want to ask the announcer some pointed questions.

"Mr. Announcer, after you're laying on this thing for 30 minutes, does it or does it not act like a giant foam insulator, causing you to sweat like John Goodman does when he eats?"

or perhaps:

"Mr. Announcer, you state that Mrs. Jones can get out of bed without disturbing Mr. Jones. Do these people not use covers? I don't know about you, but it generally isn't the bed bouncing that wakes me up when my wife gets up to pee 6 times a night. It's all the damn freezing cold air coming in under the covers, or -- on most nights - the actual sensation of the covers completely leaving my body. Can your insanely expensive foam bed fix that?"

I think not.

The only thing so far that has increased my comfort level while sleeping is to sleep on the couch.

Then there's always the one for Enzyte. I have a problem with that one too -- not because they didn't ship my free trial quickly enough, but because of all the unsubstantiated claims they make. Also, there is something deeply, seriously wrong with that Bob guy and it's probably caused by those little pills he's been popping. Anything that makes you walk around with a rictus-like, Joker-Gas grin on your face can't be good for you.

So my questions would be:

"Mr. Announcer, How is it that this stuff hasn't been taken off the market, and the company sued for false advertising claims? And what the eff is up with Bob?"

My theory is that the men who bought this shit are either a) embarrassed to admit that it didn't work, or b) embarrassed that they bought it to begin with. They don't want to call up the Better Business Bureau and complain to the nice lady that they didn't get a "firmer and fuller-feeling erection." But that's just a guess.

I would have to say that if my choices were between walking around looking like this,



or living with my average, white-boy package size, I'd stick with my un-enhanced parts thank-you-very-much. Plus, the last thing I need is Batman on my ass.

Besides if you look at the ingredients list for this stuff, there's nothing in it that you can't buy for a lot less at the drug-store. Also, I think I've figured out the active ingredient:



So my suggestion is to just make a beeline for the active ingredient, and stock up here.

Wow. I almost missed it.

I just realized that exactly a year ago today, I started this here blog.

I did it on a dare from the weenjammer , Big Tool, and Sarah, and I thought it wouldn't last two weeks. I figured either nobody would read it, I would run out of things to write about, or both. Luckily, neither of those things happened. It's a good thing too, since I'm still having fun with it.

The cool thing to me is that somewhere along the line, people started thinking my blog was funny. I never tried writing anything funny before, so that was a welcome surprise.

Then these same people started stopping by on a regular basis, and leaving me comments. That was also pretty cool. So to those regulars that happen to see this, thanks for continuing to stop by and check out the insanity inside my head. It's always good to know I'm not alone. Insanity loves company, I think the saying goes, and you magnificent bastards are great company.

He's dead, Jim.

So we finally did the deed today. We took down the Christmas tree. It was still as fresh as the day we put it up. A few years ago we got a tree in Vermont, and the old farmer running the place shared a little tip with us -- When you get your tree home, put a fresh cut on the bottom, then as soon as you get it in the stand, fill it up with 180 degree water. This will activate some sort of Christmas magic root-sucking action, and the tree will stay fresh for 2 months. Last year, the damn thing had 2 inches of new growth on it when we took it down. Give it a try next year.

So here's the poor tree, just waiting for Spring and the annual Yort-burning.



We thought we got all the ornaments off it, but as I was hauling it outside, I noticed this one still attached:



Damn Klingons and their cloaking device. They're always screwing with me.

My Pal Jesus

I was feeling pretty good this morning. I opened my mail and was pleased to see that my man Jesus was checking in, just to say 'sup.



I hadn't heard from him in a while -- he's been pretty busy with all the natural disasters and what not. He has a lot of things up in the air these days, so I wasn't too upset with him. I knew he'd come over and hang whenever he got a chance --you know, knock back a few brewski's and maybe pop in a movie or something. He gets a kick out of that flick "Dogma" even though he thinks that Ben's a sucky actor. We usually watch that one if there's nothing better left at the rental place. He knows all the lines by heart. It's either Dogma or Highlander. He's a huge Connery fan. He digs the soundtrack to that one, too.

I told him Freddie Mercury was gay, but he already knew. He just shook his head and said, "Doesn't matter. The songs are freakin' great. The dude was a genius, man. Genius." I couldn't really argue. I was gonna ask where Freddie ended up, but I didn't want to take advantage of our relationship, and besides, I try not to talk about his work stuff.

One time when he was coming over I rented "The Passion of the Christ" but he when he got to my house he was all like "Dude...seriously. What the eff were you thinking?" and I was like, "Aw Jesus, sorry man -- I didn't even think that it might bother you." And he was like, "Well, it does. They didn't even ask me for a consult. That bastard Gibson is such an asshole know-it-all. I could have given them some primo tips, but nooooooo..they just went ahead and did it their way."

He gets on a spin about that movie sometimes. He's still kinda bitter about that whole thing.

Anyway, long story short, I was stoked to get the e-mail message. But when I opened it up, I didn't know what the hell his deal was. Jay must be trying to make some quick cashola on the side, because here he was trying to sell me viagra or some shit.

I couldn't believe it. I told him all that stuff about my problem in confidence, and besides it was only that one time. I couldn't believe he had the balls to go and pitch me on it.

Seriously, you gotta admit, that's pretty lame. So I replied to his e-mail and told him that he was a dick for hitting me up, and that he's crazy if he thinks I'm buying any of that crap from him. I also told him that he's buying the beer next time, and I don't want to see any of that Bud Light shit this time around.

I haven't heard back yet, but I know how he is. Lots of people to see and places to be and all that. He'll drop me a line when I least expect it.

It's sorta what makes him who he is, ya know?

Helpful Hints.

I was browsing the internet today (yes, the entire thing) and I saw some helpful hints. Specifically, helpful hints on "how to get rid of odors" and "what to do in case of attack by various wild animals." As I was reading, I realized that many of these tips would not work for me, and in fact would probably not work for anyone. Some of them were so bizarre, I questioned their validity. In other cases, the condition the helpful hint addresses would never happen to 99.9% of us in our lifetimes, thereby making the hint almost completely useless. For your enjoyment, and to further your education in all hints helpful, I have listed some of them below. I have also included the reasons I thought they wouldn't really help me out in a crisis.

Odor Hints
Helpful hint: To knock out smells in your home set down apple halves. Unlike artificial sprays that make unpleasant odors, apples actually absorb odors. Why this doesn't work for me: In no time at all, my house would smell like rotting apples.

Helpful hint: Absorb smells in refrigerator. Place charcoal inside. Why this doesn't work for me: In no time at all, my refrigerator would smell like rotting charcoal.

Helpful hint: Remove odor from shoes. Put some unscented clay cat litter in a sock and put the sock in your shoe. Let it sit overnight and it should absorb the smell. Why this doesn't work for me: In no time at all, my shoe would have a fresh pile of cat shit in it.

Helpful hint: Remove skunk odor from dog. Bathe dog in mixture of one quart 3% hydrogen peroxide, ¼ cup baking soda, one tablespoon liquid dish soap. Follow with a thorough rinsing. Why this doesn't work for me: This sounds very time consuming. I would just get the electric shears and shave that dumbass skunk-chasing son of a whore completely bald. If he's embarrassed walking around hairless, it serves him right.


Insect and Wild Animal Hints
Helpful hint: Prevent flying insects. Hang fresh bunch of stinging nettles to front of door. Why this doesn't work for me: "OW! OW! OW!" Goddammit, who hung those there?"

Helpful hint: How to get rid of earwigs. Trap the earwigs with rolled up newspapers moistened with water. The insects will be attracted to the moist area and will hide in the papers by day. Why this doesn't work for me: I don't subscribe to a newspaper, and I don't know what the hell an earwig is. But if I ever get them, I will call the New York Times subscription office immediately. You can never be too careful.

Helpful hint: Trash cans. To keep critters away from garbage, mix up two tablespoons liquid dish soap, two tablespoons cayenne pepper, and one quart warm water. Spray liberally over trash to keep varmints at bay. Why this doesn't work for me: It would keep me away from the garbage too. Hell, the garbage man probably wouldn't even go near the damn thing with all that sticky, eye-burning shit sprayed all over it.

Helpful hint: Dog attack. If vicious dogs are running towards you, stay where you are until they leave, but do not stare them in the eye. They will see that as a challenge to their territory and attack. If they are actually attacking you, the best thing to do is to curl into a ball and cover your neck with your hands. If you don't fight back, they will lose interest and leave. Why this doesn't work for me: Somehow, I don't think a vicious dog with the blood lust on him is going to "lose interest and leave." He will not leave. He will just save your juicy neck parts for last.

Helpful hint: Outrun Crocodile/Alligator. Run in a zig-zag pattern, and not just in one straight direction. When making left or right turns, the crocodile/alligator has to come to a crawl to move in that direction because of its short legs. Why this doesn't work for me: I live in NY. The only alligators around here are the ones that are supposed to be living down in the sewers, and if I too am living down in the sewer, I have bigger problems than this little info-nugget can solve for me.

Helpful hint: Outrun a Grizzly Bear. Run downhill. Because of its 2 short front legs, a grizzly has to crawl down a hill. It can run up a hill, or up a tree, but when going down, its center of gravity forces it to go slower. Why this doesn't work for me: I'm not sure if I am buying this one. I have seen grizzly bears run downhill pretty damn fast on TV. Also, I think that no matter how slowly Mr. Griz is forced to go when traveling downhill, he will still have no problem catching me. This is because it is pretty easy to catch something that is lying unconscious in a puddle of its own pee.

Helpful hint: Gorilla Attack. If a Gorilla runs after you, do not run! Simply do not stare at his eyes, and look at the ground, and humble yourself towards it. He will walk away. Why this doesn't work for me: For some reason, I am thinking that they left out part of that last sentence, which is probably either "....after he has ripped your head from your body" or "...after he has had his way with you." Or perhaps both. The order would depend upon the individual gorilla's sexual preferences, of course.

Helpful hint: Shark Attack. If a shark is approaching, simply stare it down. Do not swim away, because sharks are attracted to erratic movements. When a man swims away from a shark, it looks to the shark like he is struggling, squirming, and panicking, and the shark will attack! Also, do not play dead. A shark has all the senses we have, plus more, and a shark will know that you are not dead, but will be confused why you are not acting like you should be. So, it will get curious and may start to gnaw at you. Why this doesn't work for me: This advice seems a little passive. You're damned if you do, and damned if you don't. Either way, you are, at the very least, getting gnawed. Basically, this advice is telling you that it's your time to die, so you may as well just sit back and accept it. Don't swim, don't play dead. Simply look deeply into its soulless shark eyes as it eats you.

Helpful hint: Snake Attack. If you are bitten by a poisonous snake, the best thing to do is to let it bleed and make your way back to help. Do not take a knife and make the hole bigger and suck the venom out, like you see in movies. One other thing you can do if you are bitten by a poisonous snake is to take a stun gun and zap the area where you were bit. The electricity will turn the poison into a harmless protein. Why this doesn't work for me: First, who carries a stun gun in the wilderness? Nobody. They carry a .45 or a 12 gauge, either of which can turn just about anything into a harmless protein, albeit permanently. Secondly, I am thinking that perhaps the last thing I would want to do if I had been bitten by a snake while in the wilderness would be to completely disconnect my central nervous system from my brain with a stun gun.

Helpful hint: Bee Attack. If you are being stung by a swarm of bees, don't breathe. Bees are attracted to carbon dioxide. Why this doesn't work for me: It's hard to "not breathe" when you are screaming at the top of your lungs like a little girl while simultaneously running in circles at full speed, slapping madly at your own rapidly swelling head.

So anyway, enjoy your new-found knowledge. If you're ever being chased by a grizzly bear or a pack of wild dogs, or even a shark, be sure to remember these helpful hints. Have your next of kin let me know how you made out.

Search and ye shall find...my blog, maybe?

Yeah, I'm feeling lazy today and I'm trying to figure out what my New Year's resolutions are going to be. I'm going to take my time and not make any rash decisions, because then I'll just be setting myself up for certain failure. Like last year, for instance. My resolution to become Evangeline Lilly's love slave went absolutely nowhere.

So without further ado, I present this week's edition of:

Fantastic Google Searches That Somehow Pointed People To My Site

How to know when earwax is loosening - There's a couple of ways: When the inside of your head sounds like a baby's rattle when you look up and down, your ear wax is probably pretty loose. If, on the other hand, you jam a pencil in there really hard, and dig around a bit, and the pencil comes out clean, it's probably not loose.

can a dove riding a bulldozer move forward? - What is the sound of one hand clapping? Yes, grasshopper, a dove riding a bulldozer can move forward, if both the dove and the bulldozer wish it to be so, and their Chi are acting in harmony.

camel knuckle - God, I wish people would get this right. TOE. Not foot, not knuckle, but toe. And speaking of toes, I get about 10 hits a month for "one toe over the line, sweet jesus." Sweet jesus is right. Why don't people know it's TOKE? T.O.K.E. It's a song from 1970 by Brewer & Shipley.

scientific name for camel toe - Wow. The list of things I don't know gets longer every day. For instance, I didn't know there was a scientific name for it. If by some outside chance there isn't, might I suggest Labia-Majora Thongspliticus?

should you clamp the second tube not being used in a dual chest tube system? - I would. Otherwise you risk getting chest juice all over the place. I'm not an expert by any means, but it just makes sense to me.

timmy lee likes to crap his pants rather than wash socks - You know, I can almost sympathize with little timmy lee. I, too, hate to wash socks. In fact, the only thing worse than washing socks is trying to match them when they come out of the dryer. I can't count the number of times I've worn non-matching socks to work. Still, all that being said, I'd rather wash my socks than my pants, so I'm gonna have to pass on timmy's solution. While ambitious and original, it really does nothing to address the dirty sock problem.

japanese beetles paul harvey - I found this to be an intriguing combination. I absolutely cannot stand Paul Harvey's voice, precisely because it already sounds as if his vocal cords have been partially devoured by japanese beetles. I know that if I had a colony of highly-trained japanese beetles that would do my evil bidding without question, stripping the wrinkled flesh off Paul Harvey's brittle, annoying bones would be like the 5th or 6th thing on my list of things for them to do.

what do usher dick look like? - Apparently you should not Ask Jeeves this question, because that bald-headed, picture-taking pervert of a butler thinks that my blog is the first place you should go look for the answer to this question. Well, I'm here to say that I have no idea what do usher dick look like. I don't. Really. I'll go out on a limb here and venture a guess that it's probably black*, but that's all I can say about it with any reasonable degree of certainty.

Thus ends another week's worth of searches, brought to you by the fine folks at Site Meter.

And don't worry, I'll get back to you with those resolutions.

*or solid gold

Just Jack! in the Box.

Every Christmas, we exchange tree ornaments with Yort and his wife. We didn't manage to get together before Christmas, so they gave us our ornaments on New Year's Eve. Normally, I can count on either a Marvel or DC Superhero, or something camping/backpacking related. This year, I opened the little box and had to take a quick step back. Check this out:



Holy Androgen-Elf, Batman! Just look at that thing.

It looks a little like an old lady at first glance, but I took it out of the box and it actually has some elf-junk, so I'm 99% sure it's male.

From the look in its eyes, I am also 99% sure that it wants to make sweet, passionate man-love to me. Since I am not currently in the market for elf-lovin' of any kind, I put him back in the box, taped it shut and put it in a storage compartment in the basement just to be on the safe side.

This is, hands-down, the creepiest ornament I've ever seen. To top it all off, its arms and legs and head are on springs. The slightest motion causes it to jiggle madly for five minutes straight.

Just picture Katheryn Hepburn getting Tasered in the neck, and you'll have a good idea of what I'm talking about. And then picture her wobbling directly at you.

That, my friends, is the stuff nightmares are made of.

Sleep tight. If I were you, I'd try to stay on your back. That box looks pretty flimsy.