6/3/08

I wish they all could be California.

With my new DirecTV installation, I get free HBO and Showtime for 3 months. Never one to look a gift horse in the mouth, I've been busily recording anything and everything that looks even remotely interesting. I've seen more bad B-movies in the last month than I have in the previous two years. As an aside, I'm also apparently addicted to the show Californication.

Anyway, somewhere along the line, I recorded a movie called "The Beach Girls" -- which has to be the most horrible piece of shit ever released direct to video. I attempted to watch it tonight, since I was in the mood for a light comedy, but I couldn't do it. It was seriously that bad.

I got about 10 minutes into it and had the following conversation with my wife:

"You know what amazes me most about this movie?" I asked her.

"What? That it's so horrible?"

"No, it's the fact that it actually came into being. Think about it -- Someone, somewhere, wrote a screenplay with this ridiculous dialogue in it. Then someone else read it and somehow thought it was good enough to option for a movie. Then someone with money read it and decided that it should definitely become a movie -- and so they financed it. And then....then....a bunch of someone else's auditioned for the various roles -- characters with names like 'Ginger' and 'Ducky' -- because they wanted to be in it, and finally, someone else directed it and as a result this piece of shit actually made it to film."

"And then someone else went out of his way to record it just because he thought it might have lots of naked boobies in it."

Touché.

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click it or ticket, as the cops 'round these parts are fond of saying. Sometimes if you show them your boobies, they let you go.

31 comments:

  1. Your wife is cool!!!

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  2. i wonder this about many films. most recently, i wrote a crap review about that "walk hard" movie that just came out on dvd here: http://eclubamerica.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=55&Itemid=76

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  3. Mrs. Virgil Rocks! That would have been the only reason my man would have watched it. The power of boobs.

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  4. aww yeah. i loves me some bad 80s beach movies. my personal favorite? malibu bikini shop. and from the 70s? it would have to be zuma beach. p.j. soles rulez!

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  5. i commend you for even noticing there was dialougue.

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  6. Hysterical! Now I know why I don't have cable. BTW, have you heard about Blurb? It is book software that allows you to "slurp your blog into a book." I know I would pay money to have a few of your more hilarious pieces in the form of old technology.

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  7. The question is, WERE there boobies in it? Or did it lack even this redeeming feature?

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  8. Your wife is funny and insightful.

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  9. I always cringe for the poor actors when I watch them having to recite those lines.

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  10. Codemonkey - Had there actually been any boobies in the movie, there wouldn't have been enough blood left in the upper brain to have thought through the entire process of making crappy movies, now would there?

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  11. We had a similar experience recently with 'I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry'. I think I made it through the first nine minutes of the movie before declaring I couldn't watch another second.

    The most bewildering part was that Himself got it from the LIBRARY.

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  12. I always fall for those stupid movies because of the boobies and always hate myself for it.

    That being said, I've seen a few....

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  13. kristina11:57 AM

    If there is a scantily clad woman with big boobies in a movie, does a man hear the dialogue?

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  14. With the remote chance of B movie boobies, I don't blame you for taping it. Tape 'em all, I say.
    For in 3 short months it's back to pay-per-boob.

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  15. I'm almost ashamed to admit that my husband and I watched a movie called "Phat Girlz" and had almost the exact same conversation that you had with your wife. Gah!

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  16. I'll tape anything with the promise of funbags. Except Zalman King. The rampant nudity in his movies isn't worth listening to his pompous bullshit dialogue.

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  17. Your wife rules:) In fact, all we wives rule:) But she didn't tell you that we wives record bad movies because we like looking at all of the male packages too:)

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  18. This is hilarious.

    And I totally agree. Ive seen a part of that movie and it totally sucked.

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  19. My favorite movie review of all time was for Captain Ron with Kurt Russell... "Funny!"

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  20. Justin Hagerman12:54 PM

    I saw that movie not too long ago, and even while heavily intoxicated, I couldn't stomach it for more than 20 minutes.
    If you're ever bored, drop by my blog at www.justinhagerman.com.
    It's similar to yours, except no one reads it.

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  21. Speaking of boobies, I have a question.

    I once went to a party where the karaoke guy had Playboy karaoke singalongs. I don't know if you have ever done karaoke where theres a cheesy video going on behind the lyrics. These were just like those, but with boobies. What is the point of that? If YOU are looking at it, you won't have much stage presence. And if EVERYONE ELSE can see it, they'd be ignoring you, so why are you up there singing?

    Oh, and thanks, Milly, I now want a t-shirt that says BEHOLD THE POWER OF BOOBS.

    'Cause I could totally rock that.

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  22. Cafe Press is a wonderful tool.

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  23. Chris in SE TX4:20 PM

    JV, you have left out something important: Were there any boobies in the movie, and if so, were they worth watching the movie?

    (I'm going to guess that either there weren't many, or they were not worth watching the movie, or else you would not be amazed by the movie's existence....)

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  24. Too few, and not soon enough.

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  25. I always wonder at about what point someone decided what they were making was absolute crap...and then decided to go ahead anyway.

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  26. When we moved into our house, we had a well drilled. It was supposed to cost 2500 bucks, and we were supposed to hit water at around 150 feet. We were at 300 feet -- and the hole was still dry. To that point, it had cost 4 grand...and no water. We had a choice -- go another hundred feet, or scrap the hole and start over somewhere else. I think it's kind of like that.

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  27. According to Joe Bob Briggs' review, this movie is "Your basic California drugola surfer plot, with some female mud wrestling. Forty-six breasts. Lame one-liners."

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  28. I often wonder how all sorts of things "came into being"... commercials, print ads, instant mashed potatoes, certain popular songs, certain people...

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  29. I have to admit, I have watched movies in the past based on the possibility of lots of boobs. But then I sit there the whole movie trying to spot the fakes. It's a quirk. I probably need therapy.

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  30. So a comment I would have made to my husband too...

    want to see another bad movie....Going Overboard with Adam Sandler. Now I think most of what he has been in has been fantastic and LOL...Going Overboard SUCKED ASS!!

    It was like one of his first 'starring' roles or something.

    It finally became a gag gift for birthdays. We'd wrap it up and give it to someone, who then would wrap it up and give it to someone else and so on and so forth. But you had to watch the movie each time you received it as a gift.

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