Smooth her with your majestic dremel tool.

I've commented before that some of the spam I get cracks me up -- most of the time it's not really the content of the e-mail that makes me laugh, but it's more about the creative descriptions used in the subject lines. The spammers try to come up with subjects that won't get picked up by simple subject-line filters, but will still be instantly meaningful to the recipient.

To illustrate this point, here's a recent shot of my bulk mail folder:

At first I thought it would be funny to draw cartoons corresponding to these, however I soon discovered that my rudimentary drawing abilities wouldn't really let me do them justice and would inflict a lot of pain and suffering on all of us, so I decided google searches and photoshop might be a better way to go:

1. Release the fire in your crotch

2. Stripping for Pleasure

3. I unleashed my one-eyed monster

4. Consider your male device size

5. Her bath towel fell and I saw this

I'm very, very sorry for that last one.

And don't forget to giantize your funny bits over at humor-blogs.com


  1. OMG!!! I don't know what to say. I am stunned. I am without words.
    Just laughing.

  2. Love your one eyed monster! The best is the first one though. Very funny.

  3. Anonymous1:45 PM

    I feel similarly about most spam. Lately I've been getting massive numbers of Chinese and/or Japanese spam messages (I can't tell which, obviously), but have been too fearful of what they might actually say to attempt translating them.

  4. Very creative. Thanks for those.

  5. The one-eyed monster pic is great! The last one though ... man. What possesses some people?

  6. Ha! That furniture stripper one is fantastic. Where did you find that guy, Grandfathers Gone Wild?

  7. Anonymous6:25 PM

    These are great!
    These days I don't read the subject lines, just the names the spammers come up with are funny enough. But then, I'm easily amused :)

    fzitmyv - then again, some of the word verification words themselves tend to sound vaguely spammerish.

  8. Anonymous7:19 PM

    Ok all of those were great except the last one. I didnt get the joke, that chick is HOTttttttttt...., wait is that a?, nevermind it couldnt be, yeah she's hot!

    I honestly would have liked to see the Lidnsey Lohan pic with some flames coming out, but I, sadly, am not gifted enough in photoshop to do that one myself.

    Rock on JV, rock on

  9. Sandy, according to the internets, that guy is the oldest currently working male stripper. I think that picture shows up on google if you type in "old, furniture, stripper"

  10. Anonymous11:14 PM

    Is that second pic Schneider from "One Day at a Time?"

    I've always used penicillin to release the fire in my crotch. Your wa looks more fun.

  11. JV, is that you in number 3? If so what was really in the cage?


  12. cool. i usually never ever get to see spam because of gmail's filters.
    however, one that is getting through is repeated invoices for 160 Euro for a domain name registration for [my last name].org. Wierd.

  13. Anonymous7:48 AM

    It's quite poetic, in an emo-loser kinda way.

    The Blue Pill of Loneliness

    Release the fire in your crotch,
    stripping for pleasure.

    I unleashed my one eyed monster!
    your male, device size, her bath towel


  14. Funny! I thought about you the other day (in a very, very non-threatening, non-stalkerish kind of way). I saw that someone landed on my page by via Google. Thinking of your post on that I checked out what they had searched for that brought them to me. "Puffy crotch" was my answer. I hope that they were sorely disappointed by my blog!!!

  15. I'm looking for a stripper for my hardwood floors. How can I get in touch with this guy.

  16. Bagel, is it wrong that I hear William Shatner narrating that when I read it?

  17. I think I'm a little in lust with #1.

  18. Uh yea dude, thanks for that. Now I'm scarred for life.

  19. Well...after a little more research it turns out he's not so much "currently working" as "currently deceased."

    Bernie Barker (July 31, 1940 - March 21, 2007) was recognized in July 2003 by Guinness World Records as the world's oldest male stripper. The former nuclear power plant worker and insurance salesman had taken up erotic dancing in 2000 at the age of 60 to keep in shape after surgery for the prostate cancer that would eventually cause his death.

    RIP, Bernie.

  20. oh JEBUS I am falling out of my chair and wiping my eyes from so much of The Funny!

  21. Anonymous11:01 PM

    God has left the building.

    I would write more, but I have to check out some Mexican Vxagarraaa and some Proleexx Quality Timepiece Replicas. You're not the only one with a filter, my storied friend.

  22. Once again I'm laughing, tears are squirting out of my eyes and my son home on spring break looks over and says "Are you gonna be ok over there?" How can I adequately explain my hysterical outburst? I just hand him the laptop so he can see for himself.

  23. It scares me that I already knew that was Bernie when I saw his picture.

  24. Anonymous12:28 PM

    damn.... that one eyed monster was in my stuff again.


  25. Anonymous4:09 PM

    Dude, I so spewed my water across the keyboard on that last one... great stuff!

    bagel, that is... Awesome Poetry... ♥

  26. shieldmaiden, it scares me too.

    JD, sorry man.

  27. Those pics would probably go with my spam too. I get all sorts of spam about increasing size, perfomance, etc...all for men. Not a single one directed at women. Are guys really that desperate?

  28. dude i love you your the funniest.... i really need to get photo shop

  29. BAHAHAHA!!!!

    You crack me up,consistently. :-)

  30. Oh no you're not! I can tell you're not sorry!

  31. Spat coffee at screen. That first image is burned on my retinas! Tagged you with an oh too cute kitten in revenge. Check my Pastimes blog to find it.

  32. Anonymous1:53 AM


  33. The best one I got was, "Turn your little soldier into a general!"

  34. Anonymous7:38 PM

    HAHAHAHAHA!!!! I've got a 20 foot cock over at my place. Wanna see?

  35. Excellent. You gotta give us a warning for that last one though. Jeez!

  36. You are NOT sorry at all.


  37. Spam that we get was a major topic of conversation amongst my last project team at work. (Our company doesn't employ any women.) Our consensus favorite was a subject line that said, "Blow her out of the room with your fire hose"; I'm not sure of the final euphamism, but the "blow her out of the room" was the good part for me. I can just see the scene: we hear some coital huffing, and then there's a small explosion followed by a loud crack, then complete, ominous silence. We pull into the room to see a naked man frozen with a look of horror on his face, and then reveal an also-naked girl, unmoving with her hair curtained across her face, sprawled across the threshold of the door, her shoulder at a stomach-churning angle and one side of the doorframe cracked.

    My question is: WHO FINDS THIS AN APPEALING IMAGE??? Who would buy a product that claims to engender such a scene? I <3 spam.

  38. Alas! Someone's gotten to it sooner.


  39. Aha! I knew it was a good idea. And I think maybe I could draw that well, given enough time.