10/30/07

Good Vibrations.

I work out regularly and try to stay in shape. Sometimes the last thing on earth I want to do is hit the weights or the treadmill. While browsing through a magazine the other day, I spotted the answer to all my motivational problems. It's a new "exercise" machine made by Soloflex. I had one of the original Soloflex machines, and while not completely useless, it was a lot better at storing clothes than building muscles. This one looks more interesting:



While "Ahhhhhh!" is not a sound I generally make while working out, I guess it's not completely out of the question. For only $495, this miraculous piece of equipment provides "low amplitude mechanical vibrations" that allegedly "improve circulation, strength, flexibility and balance."

You're supposed to sit on it, stand on it, lie down on it or dry-hump it for ten minutes a day. OK, I added that last one just to see if you were paying attention.

I can tell you a couple of things right off the bat -- One, she did not get that body using only that machine. Two, this thing is basically a full-body sex toy. In fact, if you look closely at the woman's face, she is obviously forming a deep personal relationship with the Soloflex WBV.



In fact, I'd be willing to bet you a hundred bucks that if you tried to take it away from her right now you would find yourself waking up in the hospital with no recollection of how you got there.

Soloflex may have hit a home run here because she clearly didn't seem to give a shit that there was a photo shoot going on.

Ahhhhhh!, indeed.

41 comments:

  1. Dammit and I just paid for a membership. I wonder if I'll get a refund so I can buy this machine ...

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  2. I'm not entirely sure, but my lower calves aren't an erogenous zone. Hang on.....let me go check.

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  3. I thought about buying one of those shocking belts for your abs that was on tv the other day, but figured the day I was wearing it would be the day I got caught in a torrential downpour and died from electrocution.

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  4. Hilarious! I'm with Mel though - my calves vibrating isn't really going to send me off the deep end! I found your blog yesterday (as part of the viral marketing around your JC Penney's post) and I have to say I'm going to stick around! I love your sense of humor. Oh and we are sort of neighbors. I'm in NY too, just west of Albany.

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  5. Ahhh, but maybe they're on to something ... http://pressherald.mainetoday.com/story.php?id=142406&ac=PHnws

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  6. That totally reminds me of the i-gallop. <-- That's a link to the Youtube video showing it in action. It makes you feel dirty just watching it - and also like you need to run out and buy one immediately. Unfortunately, my mother bought one and I got to see her in action which completely fagged me out and I am no longer able to look at them with the same eyes.

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  7. Anonymous10:32 AM

    This chick is heading towards a nice, mid-afternoon Big O with her whatchamacallit machine. And her husband thinks its for ironing his shirts.

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  8. Hey that calf thing seems to float her boat anyway...

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  9. Makes you kind of pity all the folks who are already in shape. They can't pull off (no pun intended) using one of these without raising an eyebrow.

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  10. dude, where is JC Penney's Round Duex?

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  11. ONLY 495 bucks.

    ONLY.

    Where's my checkbook?

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  12. Yeah... that's not going to work the same way as exercise.

    But it will work a lot like a vibrating bed.

    One has to wonder how noisy it is.

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  13. Yoga people call this a chi machine.

    One of my friends who was obese was doing this in the 90's and invited me to join her. I couldn't handle it-- she laid there and rolled and jiggled, swearing that she was firming up.

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  14. Save the 500 bucks and sit on the washing machine...spin cycle.

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  15. $495 is a bit steep for a sex toy. You want to make a woman moan? Surprise her by putting the seat down on the toilet every once in a while.

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  16. how am i going to fit that in my vagina?

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  17. She may be using Soloflex, but she's thinking about Bowflex.

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  18. Goodness! I thought this was a family blog!

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  19. You're new here, aren't you?

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  20. Like Triciar, I found your blog due to the JCPenney's ads post but I am definitely going to stick around!!

    And hey, I work out every day too, but I'd chuck in my membership for a chance at this baby...

    "Ahhhhh..." When I first read that quote I was thinking of the "ahhh" you hear from seeing a ghost, rather than the "ahhh" you hear from...physical ...eh...shall we say, comfort?

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  21. Anonymous11:16 AM

    Wonder if it comes with accessories?????

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  22. know what? i just got an emailed forwarded to me by one of my friends (who doesn't even know about blogs) with the JC Penny post copied and pasted. Crazy how word travels!

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  23. tiff: I think when you do a price analysis of the Sybian compared to the Soloflex, you'll see that $500 offers a lot of per-orgasm value.

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  24. As a wedding photographer, I'd love to advertise this to my brides. That might be a good market for it!

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  25. Just think what planet she would be on if she straddled it.

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  26. I should have signed that, the blogger formerly known as Scoop

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  27. Holy Hell...

    YOU ARE just as funny in THIS post as you were in the super groovy JC Penny 1977 post.

    Im am OFFICIALLY linking you as a DAILY read on my blog.

    I am SOOOO happy I posted that EMAIL or I never would have found you OR this blog.

    Yeay Internet powers that be!!

    :)

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  28. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  29. "this thing is basically a full-body sex toy"
    Not a bad thing to be! Maybe she lost the weight because she became obsessed with lying on it all day and stopped eating. See I was so excited myself, I had to delete my comment and retype it.

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  30. You know what's a lot of fun while drunk/bored?

    One of those Dr.Ho machines, with the electroshock pads...

    Those things fucking HURT if you know how.

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  31. Holy crap, JV, that 1977 post has taken on a life all its own!! 235 comments? WOW!!! You are big time now!!! Are you feeling any perfermance anxiety yet?

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  32. I'm one of the JCPenny email people who laughed so hard when I read it my abs were killing me. I laughed til I literally was crying and then I did a google search to find out the original author. You, my friend, are a freaking riot! And I thought that was the funniest thing I'd ever read until I read the cow pasture golf post and then....and then....thank you for the hysterical blog. I am a subscriber now and can't wait to see what you write next to make me laugh.

    Corinna
    www.myscrapbooklife.com

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  33. I knew exercise had to be easier than actually doing something - I'm getting one of those...

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  34. Ah, a new variation on the old vibrating belt machine.
    I think this is a better design, though. If all that jiggling really is that pleasurable, well, with the standup version, one knee-weakening O and you could be strangled!
    http://www.diet-blog.com/archives/olddieting-thumb.jpg

    Your viral presence is spreading. I found your blog through a link to the fashions of '77 on a site mocking bad baby names. Truly, you've gone global!

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  35. Nessa3:18 PM

    ACTUALLY, the reason she looks so...tense? is because the exercise involves supporting your entire body with your calves on that board while floating in a big white empty void of nothingness. If she relaxed for even one second, she would fall for eternity, so...you know.

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  36. nessa3:20 PM

    Also, damn these JC Penny people are really putting the pressure on, huh?

    Johnny come JC Penny lately all waiting like baby birds for you to regurgitate something hilarious at them.

    Good luck with that.

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  37. I absolutely adore your blog. I'm going to link you, if you don't mind :)

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  38. I'm gonna have to take a picture of the "exercise machine" that we own. Made in Japan, it seems to be similar to the Soloflex. Since its name is written in Japanese characters rather than letters, we have no idea what the name of this contraption is. We have taken to calling it, "The Wiggly-Wag". Everyone who uses it has a hard time surrendering to the mystery since the wagging-back-and-forth action does nothing more than produce gales of giggles. I guess that's the difference between something made in Japan and something made in the U.S.A. Americans want more "bang" for their buck if you'll pardon the pun. The Japanese, on the other hand, can't help but make everything "cute". Despite the comparatively diluted effects of our machine, I did become somewhat addicted to it and as a result, my husband has permanently nick-named me, "Wagger". I'm not even sure that he knows my christened name anymore......

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  39. StephyB10:16 AM

    I just sent this link to my trainer. I'm requesting this be worked into my sessions!

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  40. Wry Mouth12:33 AM

    Perhaps I am not reading the "Ahhhhh..." correctly? I keep hearing "AHHHHHHHHH!!!!" which is akin to the sound I make when I think I see a large hairy spider on the bathroom rug which turns out to be only a clot of cat hair. Maybe I should try again:

    "Ahhhhhh..."

    "A-ahhhhh..."

    Thanks for the laffs!

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