Toxic Tree

It's 3 days after Thanksgiving, so of course it's time to kick the Turkey carcass and pumpkins to the curb and break out the Christmas decorations. I hate people who do this, but we have extenuating circumstances this year, so I found myself cutting down a Christmas tree on Black Friday while wearing a T-shirt and jeans. It's just not the same experience when you can still feel your extremities.

Anyway, we had friends in town and it was only opportunity we were going to have to do the whole tree thing, so we did it. I'm a little concerned, because we got some new lights for the tree this year and after I put them up, I read the side of the box and saw this:

So I'll probably be dead soon -- or at the very least, dead from the waist down -- since I didn't wash my hands and I was snacking throughout the entire process. Luckily, I didn't have to pee during the light stringing, so I avoided direct transfer of lead dust to my man junk.

I like how they don't even say "may expose you to lead." Nope, this shit is guaranteed. No question. You WILL have lead on your hands when you are done handling these things.

So when did stringing a set of lights on a Christmas tree become a life-threatening endeavor? At what point did the coating on the outside of the wires become more dangerous than the electricity on the inside?

I don't know. I think I'm just going back to those big-ass bulbs we had when I was a kid. So what if they actually raised the temperature of the room and got so hot tinsel melted to them? At least if you died in a fire, you'd die with your reproductive organs intact.


Happy Turkey Day.

Traditionally on this holiday, I have one job.

A single responsibility.

My wife cooks the turkey. She makes the stuffing. She bakes the pies. She sets the table and cleans up. She's awesome that way.

The one thing she will not do, however, falls to me. That one, holiday-centric task is this:


I must remove the thing-that-must-not-be-named.

I have to reach inside the bird and remove the loose turkey neck from the innards, and -- along with the little packet of turkey guts -- spirit it away before my wife sees it. I have no idea why, but if she is forced to do this deed herself, she will literally gag. I've witnessed this, and it's the funniest thing ever.

So this morning, I will do my part. I will pull the giant penis-neck thing from the pale, cold bird carcass, and I will wrap it in a plastic bag and throw it in the garbage.


First, of course, I must honor the JV Thanksgiving tradition and chase her with it, just once, around the kitchen.

As you've probably surmised, I never get laid on thanksgiving.


Ah, the good old days....

My wife was watching the old movie channel and I walked in during this scene:

Apparently -- contrary to popular belief -- people CAN change.


Searching for the meaning of it all.

It's been a while since I've inflicted this upon you, but since I have nothing funny to report, I'm gonna lean on Site-Meter for this one. Once again, I'm pleased to present:

Fantastic Google Searches That Somehow Led People to My Site

somebody put shit in my pants - I included this one because once, about ten years ago, I was walking to work downtown and a drunk homeless guy said almost this exact same thing to me.

I'm urinating every five minutes. What's up? - the phrasing on this one made me laugh. As if you walked into your co-worker's cube and asked him, "Hey, whatcha doin? Do you have a sec to go over something?" and he replied with this line.

Can mayonnaise grow hair? - I can totally vouch for this one. Mayonnaise can indeed grow hair. Just leave it in the back of the fridge for about 6 months, and it'll have some hair on it you won't believe.

pictures of christian slater sober - You might as well be searching for "Real Live Unicorn Sightings" or "Video feeds of Jesus preaching" because you will never, ever find a picture of this anywhere. It simply does not exist.

butt bottom offensive - This was one of the lesser-known battles of WWII. It involved a platoon of marines who had nothing to eat or drink for 5 days except Beef n' Bean MREs and some contaminated well water, who were trying to occupy a small patch of enemy territory on a tiny but strategically valuable island in the pacific. I guess it got pretty rough in the end, but they took the hill and captured 36 unconscious Japanese soldiers in the process.

my wife forces me to wear a butt plug and panties - To me, it doesn't sound as if she had to really twist your arm much. Actually, I wouldn't be surprised if maybe you asked her to twist your arm. Ditto on the buttplug and panties. My advice: Think up a "safe word" -- one that is still understandable when your leather mask is zipped up, or the ball gag is in place.

questions to ask a new girlfriend - Question number one: Have you ever forced any of your old boyfriends wear a butt plug and panties?

My husband needa bra - your husband needa lose some weight.

clowns and pedophiles - If you are trying to decide which one to get for your daughter's 5th birthday party, be advised that you can usually find a two-fer-one special, but they are rarely if ever advertised as such. If that is not your plan, however, then here's some advice: You probably want to go with the clown. A pedophile might well be remembered for much longer, but trust me -- you're not going to want to foot the bill for all those visits to the shrink when she's older.

stealth nudist - I am pretty sure I saw one of these guys in the public library once. The day I happened to surprise him in the stacks, only about 5 or 6 inches of him was a nudist.

how to get your girlfriend to try the zoophilia - My advice: You need to take her to a really nice place, where you know the zoophilia will be expertly prepared. Order an expensive bottle of red wine and when the waiter comes, order the zoophilia for both of you. Some women don't like when men do that, but most of the time the zoophilia isn't on the menu. So in this case at least, you will look like you know what you're doing. Also, slipping the waiter 20 bucks beforehand will get him to act all impressed and say "The zoophilia is excellent tonight. A very good choice, sir." That's sure to score points with your girlfriend. After that, if she likes it, you can make it a regular thing, like on your anniversary or her birthday.

I'm shedding hair but that doesn't mean i'm balding - Shock. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Acceptance. Get to steppin'.

undescended testicle talking to my girlfriend - I find myself wondering if you've taped any of these alleged conversations, because I am very curious as to what they talk about. I mean, they come from such different backgrounds that I can't imagine that they have much in common. I wouldn't worry about it too much. In time, they'll realized they live in different worlds and the friendship will fade away.

That's all she wrote for now. If anyone could have told me last week I'd be getting 10 hits a day on "flava delicious" and 10 more variations on that general theme, I would have never written about it. Between that and people looking for "nudies" It's taking me a lot longer to sort through my searches to find the good ones.


Monkey See, Monkey Do.

Just a quick one today, nothing really hilarious to report. I got a flu shot and went to the Physical Therapist for my elbow tendonitis, which I cannot seem to get rid of.

At the flu clinic, when the woman gave me the shot, I distinctly heard what sounded like air bubbles being injected, so all night I've been sitting here waiting for one to work its way to my heart. So far so good -- I'm still alive and kicking.

After that I went to the PT's office, he was doing his pressing and prodding on my arm, stretching tendons, etc. About ten minutes into it, he stops and says "I'll be right back." A few moments later, he comes in with this black nylon strap thing with buckles on it.

"Is that the harness for my helper monkey?" I asked hopefully.

He didn't laugh. I figured out why pretty quickly because two seconds later, he strapped himself into the thing. I guess they sometimes use a strap around the neck as kind of third hand when they're working on someone. I'm not positive, but I think he added a little excessive force to my therapy after that. My arm still hurts.

Dammit. I was really looking forward to that helper monkey, too.


Stick with the aerobic striptease.

Yeah, I know it's been a while, but I'm in the middle of dealing with a family illness that's got me quite preoccupied, and frankly, not a lot is tickling my funny bone lately. Consider that fair warning that I may be dropping off the radar for a bit, although I'll try not to.

Have you all seen this new diet supplement that Carmen Electra is prostituting herself for? I am 100% sure that Carmen Electra has never even opened a bottle of this stuff, let alone actually consumed it for any length of time. How stupid do they think people are? Pretty goddamn stupid, apparently.

It's call NV. (get it?) The thing that cracks me up -- other than Carmen and her Electric boobies prancing in the ocean breezes, of course -- is the fact that the ad shows a before and after shot of some woman, and the voice over says "Angeline lost 35lbs with NV, diet and exercise."

I submit that you could pretty much substitute any non-lethal substance in place of "NV" in that sentence, and you'd still be telling the truth.

"Angeline lost 35lbs with deep-fried Hostess fruit pies, diet and exercise."
"Angeline lost 35lbs with sauteed dog crap, diet and exercise."
"Angeline lost 35lbs with Starbucks skim lattes, diet and exercise."

Actually that last one is probably pretty close to the truth, if you want to compare the active ingredients of Starbucks coffee and these pills. The active ingredient in this NV crap is Theobromide, which is an xanthine-derivative of caffeine. So apparently caffeine, combined with diet and exercise, is the hat-trick recipe for weight loss.

So I guess what I'm saying here is that if you have a choice between getting the caffeine part of this equation from (a) a pill that costs almost a buck a piece or (b) a pill that costs 20 cents apiece, or (c) an enjoyable hot beverage that costs anywhere from a $1.50 to $4.50 a cup, my advice would be to just diet and exercise.

I know both of those things suck, but if you're not going to do them, you might as spend your 60 bucks a month on ho-hos. Or even just a single ho, for that matter. If you can get her to take you out for coffee after you're done, then all you have to worry about is the diet part of the equation.

Here's a tip: Skip the danish.


Johnny hateses the Discovery Health Channel

I sat down to eat my dinner this evening, and as I am wont to do, I flipped on the TV. Normally with my home theatre system, I get sound before I get picture. When the sound came up, I heard someone scream.

"Cool," I thought. "A horror movie."

Unfortunately, when the picture finally kicked in, it was a horror movie of a completely different sort. I was greeted by a woman with her ankles around her ears, each leg being held back by a masked figure, while a third masked figure was busy doing something between her legs.

Now, I know what you're thinking, and I'm far too cheap to actually pay hard-earned cash for those channels when the internet is right there. Even so, I will put your collective minds at ease by mentioning the fact that they were all wearing scrubs, and the set was actually an operating room.

I must have blacked out for a second, because the next thing I know, I'm watching deleted scenes from Lord of the Rings, and they're showing the alternate footage of the Origin of Gollum:

In this particular deleted scene, it showed how he was plucked from the magical uterus of a fair maiden by the Wizard in Blue, who was never actually in the book. I think that's probably why the scene got cut.

I did learn a couple of things from this, however.

First, I learned that I should never watch the Discovery Health Channel while I'm trying to eat.

Second, I learned why they always use three month-old babies in the movies whenever they need to show a newborn -- It's because they want the audience to go "Awwwwwwwwwwww" and not "AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!"


Flavor's delicious

Soon, seven childen will call this man "daddy."

Yes, for some reason it's news that Flava-Flav is expecting his sevinf child. He's currently dating "Deelishis" -- who was a winner on his show. It's actually his second true love because, according to the article, his dalliance with "Hoopz," last year's winner and one true love, didn't work out.

The funny part is that Deelishis ain't his baby mama. It's actually a different woman that he got pregnant. I'm not sure, but I'm betting she was probably at least a finalist in something somewhere.

On the one hand, I guess he can afford as many kids as he wants, and it has to be pretty cool to have a reality show that provides you with an undending stream of hotties ripe for the plucking, but seriously, the dude wears a fucking wall clock around his neck and has gold teeth. How screwed up are his kids going to be? You know two things about them right off the bat: They won't know how to spell, and they'll always know what time it is.

And Flav, I realize that you date a lot of women -- and I can get behind that wholeheartedly -- but do you really have to knock up every single one? I'm just sayin'.