Stick with the aerobic striptease.

Yeah, I know it's been a while, but I'm in the middle of dealing with a family illness that's got me quite preoccupied, and frankly, not a lot is tickling my funny bone lately. Consider that fair warning that I may be dropping off the radar for a bit, although I'll try not to.

Have you all seen this new diet supplement that Carmen Electra is prostituting herself for? I am 100% sure that Carmen Electra has never even opened a bottle of this stuff, let alone actually consumed it for any length of time. How stupid do they think people are? Pretty goddamn stupid, apparently.

It's call NV. (get it?) The thing that cracks me up -- other than Carmen and her Electric boobies prancing in the ocean breezes, of course -- is the fact that the ad shows a before and after shot of some woman, and the voice over says "Angeline lost 35lbs with NV, diet and exercise."

I submit that you could pretty much substitute any non-lethal substance in place of "NV" in that sentence, and you'd still be telling the truth.

"Angeline lost 35lbs with deep-fried Hostess fruit pies, diet and exercise."
"Angeline lost 35lbs with sauteed dog crap, diet and exercise."
"Angeline lost 35lbs with Starbucks skim lattes, diet and exercise."

Actually that last one is probably pretty close to the truth, if you want to compare the active ingredients of Starbucks coffee and these pills. The active ingredient in this NV crap is Theobromide, which is an xanthine-derivative of caffeine. So apparently caffeine, combined with diet and exercise, is the hat-trick recipe for weight loss.

So I guess what I'm saying here is that if you have a choice between getting the caffeine part of this equation from (a) a pill that costs almost a buck a piece or (b) a pill that costs 20 cents apiece, or (c) an enjoyable hot beverage that costs anywhere from a $1.50 to $4.50 a cup, my advice would be to just diet and exercise.

I know both of those things suck, but if you're not going to do them, you might as spend your 60 bucks a month on ho-hos. Or even just a single ho, for that matter. If you can get her to take you out for coffee after you're done, then all you have to worry about is the diet part of the equation.

Here's a tip: Skip the danish.