11/6/06

Johnny hateses the Discovery Health Channel

I sat down to eat my dinner this evening, and as I am wont to do, I flipped on the TV. Normally with my home theatre system, I get sound before I get picture. When the sound came up, I heard someone scream.

"Cool," I thought. "A horror movie."

Unfortunately, when the picture finally kicked in, it was a horror movie of a completely different sort. I was greeted by a woman with her ankles around her ears, each leg being held back by a masked figure, while a third masked figure was busy doing something between her legs.

Now, I know what you're thinking, and I'm far too cheap to actually pay hard-earned cash for those channels when the internet is right there. Even so, I will put your collective minds at ease by mentioning the fact that they were all wearing scrubs, and the set was actually an operating room.

I must have blacked out for a second, because the next thing I know, I'm watching deleted scenes from Lord of the Rings, and they're showing the alternate footage of the Origin of Gollum:



In this particular deleted scene, it showed how he was plucked from the magical uterus of a fair maiden by the Wizard in Blue, who was never actually in the book. I think that's probably why the scene got cut.

I did learn a couple of things from this, however.

First, I learned that I should never watch the Discovery Health Channel while I'm trying to eat.

Second, I learned why they always use three month-old babies in the movies whenever they need to show a newborn -- It's because they want the audience to go "Awwwwwwwwwwww" and not "AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

18 comments:

  1. Anonymous11:07 PM

    *GaSP*

    That is a very shocking photo!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I had a similar experience at the gynecologist's once. They had a wall of photographs in the room I was placed in; cute babies in wee bobbly hats and little girls on santa's knee, that sort of thing. Smack dab in the middle of it, and immediately above your head if you were sitting in the little chair, was a picture like that, although considerably more bloody.

    I screamed like anything. When the doctor came in, I asked him what the hell he was thinking, leaving that sort of thing laying around. He told me, and I quote, "that's what we in the biz call an 'action shot'." I responded that thanks to the 8th grade health video 'the miracle of life', and his little action shot, the only way I was ever going to procreate was by divine intervention.

    ReplyDelete
  3. They make you watch a movie like that in the parenting class at the hospital.

    Ain't nothing beautiful about the birthing process.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Nessa, I saw that horrid film in eighth grade, too. I'm childless to this day.

    ReplyDelete
  5. You owe me $7.25 for the lunch I just barfed up.

    ReplyDelete
  6. HAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Both of mine were well over 9 lbs at birth so they didn't come out the way God intended. Also: my wizard wasn't blue in as much as he was high on coke during my second c-section. We've since nicknamed him Dr. Feelgood.

    ReplyDelete
  7. OMG, I thought that was a frog.

    ReplyDelete
  8. KK, sorry -- your check is in the mail.

    WCG - did he do lines off your giant belly?

    ReplyDelete
  9. Egads.

    Forget "action shot" - more like a "money shot" yeah?

    I just tasted my dinner again. Thanks a bunch, dude.

    ReplyDelete
  10. the younger the preemie, the more they look like a tiny little alien...

    I once was watching tv with J and he was clicking channels. He came to a show about surgery on a knee. The knee was cut RIGHT open (maybe they were replacing something, WTF knows...) and the doctor was flexing the knee joint. The bloody, open incision was bending, flexing, uggggggghhhhhhhh. I almost passed out.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Anonymous5:31 AM

    WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING?! That can't be a "normal" baby?! Wtf seriously. God, I thought babies in general weren't too cool when they come out of their miraculous hiding place but jesus that thing is an ALIEN.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Oh yeah, it's perfectly normal. Granted, the "fair maiden" wasn't really all that fair, but it looked OK once they de-gooed him and gave him a good waxing.

    ReplyDelete
  13. AG, the preferred term is "child-free"

    ReplyDelete
  14. Yikes! The truth must be told, as shocking as it may be...
    Matt

    ReplyDelete
  15. this, of course, is the first post i read as i sat down to eat lunch.

    past tense of course, 'cause that ain't happening anymore.

    ReplyDelete