Today I bring you the obligatory filler post while I'm working on something better, because if there's one thing I can't stand, it's an uncomfortable silence.
So off the top of my head, here's a few random thoughts that have been ping-ponging around in there lately:
Why do the same women who have no problem parading around the beach in a tiny bikini cover themselves and scream "GET OUT!" when you catch them in their underwear -- when it actually covers more?
Why do old people drive so slow? You'd think they'd be in more of a hurry to get everywhere since they don't have much time left.
Why do feet sweat? Does anything good ever come of it? And how the hell can they sweat and be cold at the same time?
Why do people with bad breath always have the habit of sighing?
Why does nobody stop by your desk when you're working your ass off, but the second you take a bite out of your sandwich and open "The Onion" website, your phone rings, your IM starts blinking, and people are practically hanging off the rafters over your cube?
Who created the chart that decides the relative vulgarity level of particular words? For instance, who decided that the word "shit" is more vulgar than "crap" and "crap" is more vulgar than "poop?" And why does society decide to enforce this chart? Same thing with fuck and screw and boink. They're all just sounds if you think about it.
And lastly, why does the Victoria's Secret IPEX bra commercial make me want to empty my savings account directly into their cash register? Wait, I know that one. I'm pretty sure Gisele could sell me anything.
"Why do the same women who have no problem parading around the beach in a tiny bikini cover themselves and scream "GET OUT!" when you catch them in their underwear -- when it actually covers more?"
ReplyDeleteThis one I can answer, although I may not be a perfect represantative of that group. No woman would ever go to the beach in a tiny bikini without checking on herself in a mirror first. When her reflection passes the screening process, off she pops to the beach.
When you catch her in her underwear, one of the following scenarios may apply:
- said underwear is shabby and
strictly for gym use only
- she may or may not feel flabby
today
In any case, she'd like to decide, at any given moment, how much of her skin you get to see. Women are crazy, aren't they?
I can tell you don't have a sister.
Whoever decides the relative disgusting-ness of words, was male. I know this because the worst thing some men can call a person, is calling him/her a cunt. I read a very entertaining and well-written article about precisely that subject, in a recent issue of the British issue of Vogue magazine. About 24 hours previously, I had truly mortified and angered a man of my acquaintance, by saying I didn't agree with him that the "c-word" was the nastiest swear-word.
ReplyDelete"I find it funny, that men who can get their tongue easily round "prick" find it so hard to get it round "cunt" , I said, airily. He did not find this amusing.
My husband did, but he was too polite to laugh.
The other questions you are bothered by, I think are mostly just Murphy's Law, or Sod's Law.
I personally don't know any women who actually scream when a guy catches them in their underwear. Except when they were like, 12. Of course, if I happened to be wearing granny panties I would be pretty embarressed.
ReplyDeleteRight, it's not a scream per se, more of a screaming of the words "You Asshole!"
ReplyDelete"Why do the same women who have no problem parading around the beach in a tiny bikini cover themselves and scream "GET OUT!" when you catch them in their underwear -- when it actually covers more?"
ReplyDeleteJust another reason not to wear underwear...although, more worry would be in catching a woman in her underwear that proved she wasn't a woman....
I think old people drive so slow because they can't really see well and have lost most of the feeling in their lower extremities..frightening, isn't it?
I read once that the average person sweats a gallon of liquid from their feet per day. I guess after a long day, they do get cold in all that water and unsuccessfully avoid getting "pruny".
I think people with bad breath are habitual sighers because all those noxious fumes build until they force the mouth open...it just sounds like sigh.
As far as the work issue, I'm convinced that those people are lying in wait for you to have your lunch and little down time. I also think they believe their needs should come before yours because they are worthless bastards.
As for vulgarity, I have had this conversation with other many times. The running consensus in our group is that it has more to do with the sound of the long versus short vowels. Short vowels must be vulgar, as in shit, fuck, crap, damn, etc. Poop, while more of a blend, is the long U sound and therefore less offensive.
Lastly, all men love boobs (see, less offensive than tits), and if the most revolutionary bra on the planet were made by K-Mart, you'd probably want to spend your coins there.
Just my opinion.....
i've thought the same thing about "Butt" and "Bottom".
ReplyDeletei've got a 3 year old who automatically goes into naughty boy giggles at "Butt". "Bottom" just doesn't do it for him.
Query - Who are you walking in on that they are so offended? I would be surprised if your wife reacted this way, but if it's your mom, daughter, BFF's wife, etc., then it makes more sense.
ReplyDeleteLittle sister.
ReplyDelete