Just Jack! in the Box.

Every Christmas, we exchange tree ornaments with Yort and his wife. We didn't manage to get together before Christmas, so they gave us our ornaments on New Year's Eve. Normally, I can count on either a Marvel or DC Superhero, or something camping/backpacking related. This year, I opened the little box and had to take a quick step back. Check this out:



Holy Androgen-Elf, Batman! Just look at that thing.

It looks a little like an old lady at first glance, but I took it out of the box and it actually has some elf-junk, so I'm 99% sure it's male.

From the look in its eyes, I am also 99% sure that it wants to make sweet, passionate man-love to me. Since I am not currently in the market for elf-lovin' of any kind, I put him back in the box, taped it shut and put it in a storage compartment in the basement just to be on the safe side.

This is, hands-down, the creepiest ornament I've ever seen. To top it all off, its arms and legs and head are on springs. The slightest motion causes it to jiggle madly for five minutes straight.

Just picture Katheryn Hepburn getting Tasered in the neck, and you'll have a good idea of what I'm talking about. And then picture her wobbling directly at you.

That, my friends, is the stuff nightmares are made of.

Sleep tight. If I were you, I'd try to stay on your back. That box looks pretty flimsy.