1/16/06

File under: Lies, Direct vs. Indirect

So I was watching 24 last night and trying not to have a heart attack and/or shit myself, when I saw another commercial on TV for the memory foam mattress. I have a problem with that commercial, and I'm going to tell you what it is.

Comfortable? I'm sure it is. That's probably not a lie. But the omissions are what get to me. I always want to ask the announcer some pointed questions.

"Mr. Announcer, after you're laying on this thing for 30 minutes, does it or does it not act like a giant foam insulator, causing you to sweat like John Goodman does when he eats?"

or perhaps:

"Mr. Announcer, you state that Mrs. Jones can get out of bed without disturbing Mr. Jones. Do these people not use covers? I don't know about you, but it generally isn't the bed bouncing that wakes me up when my wife gets up to pee 6 times a night. It's all the damn freezing cold air coming in under the covers, or -- on most nights - the actual sensation of the covers completely leaving my body. Can your insanely expensive foam bed fix that?"

I think not.

The only thing so far that has increased my comfort level while sleeping is to sleep on the couch.

Then there's always the one for Enzyte. I have a problem with that one too -- not because they didn't ship my free trial quickly enough, but because of all the unsubstantiated claims they make. Also, there is something deeply, seriously wrong with that Bob guy and it's probably caused by those little pills he's been popping. Anything that makes you walk around with a rictus-like, Joker-Gas grin on your face can't be good for you.

So my questions would be:

"Mr. Announcer, How is it that this stuff hasn't been taken off the market, and the company sued for false advertising claims? And what the eff is up with Bob?"

My theory is that the men who bought this shit are either a) embarrassed to admit that it didn't work, or b) embarrassed that they bought it to begin with. They don't want to call up the Better Business Bureau and complain to the nice lady that they didn't get a "firmer and fuller-feeling erection." But that's just a guess.

I would have to say that if my choices were between walking around looking like this,



or living with my average, white-boy package size, I'd stick with my un-enhanced parts thank-you-very-much. Plus, the last thing I need is Batman on my ass.

Besides if you look at the ingredients list for this stuff, there's nothing in it that you can't buy for a lot less at the drug-store. Also, I think I've figured out the active ingredient:



So my suggestion is to just make a beeline for the active ingredient, and stock up here.

11 comments:

  1. also, how many people like to jump on the bed wwhen there are glasses on it??
    They should position it to men who go cheat on their wives in the middle of the night or wives who like to slip enzyte into their husbands drink and ride him in the night without waking him up...

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  2. I was all hopped up on horny goat weed last night and watching 24 as well - fan-freaking-tastic. If i'm every kidnapped by a consortium of terrorist groups operating under an extensive umbrella agreement trying to destabilize the world's nuclear stockpiles and spead ravaging diseases through the first world, I'd prefer to have Kiefer Sutherland come and rescue me (no offense Mr. Diesel)...

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  3. I hate 24. If Mrs JV is getting up so often to pee, she has either a) got cystitis/bladder problem, poor girl
    b) is pregnant (damn horny goat weed)
    or c) drinks too much fluid after 9pm.

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  4. Unfunny Response (sorry)

    I possess one of the much-maligned memory foam mattresses...it was purchased for my husband by our (at the time) two cats for father's day. Yes, our cats buy us mother's and father's day gifts. What of it?

    Anyway, I'm reasonably sure if you put a glass down on OUR mattress and then jumped on it, that glass would go down for the count. Is there less "god damn it if he rolls over one more time I'm going to jam the nightlight straight up his..."? Yes. Can I still feel it when my husband begins thumping his leg at 3 in the morning like a golden retriever getting its tummy scratched? Also yes. And no, neither of us has any idea why he does this.

    I've never noticed a lack of breathability - the insultation of the foam has never been an issue and I've got a husband that sleeps so hot in every bedding circumstance that he could start a fire. We also sleep under the thickest down comforter currently on the market, so if the foam was going to be an insulation issue, believe you me, it would. We'd wake up swimming in our own sweat.

    All that said, it took three days of sleeping on the mattress to make me swear never to sleep on anything else ever again. Ever. It is insanely comfortable. Obviously NASA knows what it's doing. Lucky bloody astronauts.

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  5. LOL...horny goat weed?!? i thought you made that up.

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  6. Mckay -- I would never kid you.

    Fifi - I exaggerate. It's more like once or twice a night.

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  7. Hate the commercial but a few guys at my hub's work have them (can't believe they admitted that) and love them. My sil has an air filled one with foam on top and loves that too. Perhaps it's the new waterbed (something else I've never understood).

    Memory foam? Is it really called that?

    And why are you sleeping on the couch? :)

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  8. I have a Tempurpedic bed. It doesn't over heat like you would think; but you still get the ass-numbing, jolting draft when your partner leaves the bed for a late night potty break.

    So that's why goats are so damn horny! When I was on trip to the zoo in kindergarten two of those rascals tried to hump my teacher. They didn't have crazy smiles, but they did have crazy eyes.

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  9. I stumbled upon this blog while i was researching a charge at work, i work for a credit card company, i found this about a month ago and have been reading this everyday at work and am up to throught the first year, you are amazing , i dont know if you are gonna read this at al but if you do send me a shout out on one of the new blogs.

    Mikey
    ps i never understood the draw of the blogging movement til i stumbled on 15 minute lunch

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  10. Mikey,

    Thanks, man. Glad you are enjoying my ramblings.

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  11. We had a horny goat on my parents farm who used to piss on his own head with a Joker like, maniacal grin on his face. All this to turn on the resident nanny goat before he ravaged her. Disturbing? Yes. Beginning to see a pattern here? I'd say stay away from the Horny Goat Weed!

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