Hunt mountain lions with a knife. That's a sport.

So I was talking with a deer "hunter" the other day. I really don't know how anyone could actually fail at this so-called sport. I know how most people hunt deer, and really, it's not so much "hunting" as it is "sniping what walks by." I realize it has to be done to cull the herd, blah ,blah blah. I actually happen to like venison, but I don't hunt deer. If I did, maybe to make it more fun I would stalk them, probably with a longbow or a flintlock. At least they have a sporting chance that way, mostly because I'd probably never see one since they'd hear me coming a mile away.

Know this going in. Your job, if you choose to accept it, is to outsmart a deer.

For those of you who don't know how it's done, here's a little primer.

1. Before the season starts, feed the deer. They sell automatic, timed feeders that will dump corn on the ground at certain times. The deer get used to getting a free handout, so they stop by at around the same time every morning for a bite to eat.

2. Also before the season starts, put up a treestand. This is basically a high platform with a chair that you fasten to a tree and will eventually sit in and shoot from. Deer don't usually look up, so the chances you will see them before they see you is pretty good, unless you get drunk and fall out while trying to piss into an empty beer bottle.

3. Go get two or more bottles of "stuff." One to cover up human stink, the other to lure male deer. There's about a zillion different brands on the market, but they're pretty much all the same. Here's two examples, made by the same company: Deer Dander, and Standing Estrous.

The first, according to the literature, "makes you smell like the deer you pursue." (Note: Do not put this stuff on and then go to the office. That's just a little tip for the mainframe guy with the earring and the pony tail who works in my building.)

The second, an attractant, is just this: female deer piss. But not just any piss -- oh no. This is very special piss. (Another Note: This stuff also stinks, and apparently will make male deer want to pole you really bad, so don't spill it on your pants by mistake if you are in the woods alone. Unless, of course, that's your thing and you are looking for some deer lovin'.) Here's the description: "She stands, he mounts, and Code Blue bottles her urine. You won't find peak estrous scent collected with comparable precision. From a single, proven, receptive doe."

First off, that has to be the worst job in the universe. Think about it. You have to get in there, collect the piss and get out, all without getting an erect buck penis in your face. ("OK, we have to time this just right. Don't forget what happened to Stevenson two weeks ago - He still wakes up in the middle of the night screaming and gagging.")

Secondly, I had no idea that female deer were into water sports. They just spontaneously piss themselves? The shit that I learn from the Cabela's catalog amazes me.

4. Set up a few decoys. These are "photo-realistic" does. Somehow, according to the literature, they are painted and posed to "duplicate a receptive doe." I'm not sure what that means, but I am pretty sure it involves a little red teddy with black lace trim.

OK, so now you've got the deer trained to stop by, you've got your stand set up, and you smell like a doe that's cruisin' for some pole.

The last thing you need to do is wake up at 3am on opening day, get in your tree stand, and wait. At the appointed time, a gigantic buck will cluelessly wander in, looking for the deer equivalent of what every man wants -- Free food and hot sex with two chicks at once.

Then, right when he realizes the females aren't real, you point your high-powered rifle at his head and blow his brains out. If you time it exactly right, his last thought should be "Hey! These chicks aren't real! What the F-" BLAM!

The reason you wait for this precise moment is because the buck's confusion and disappointment releases a chemical compound into his bloodstream that will make the venison extra tender. (or so I've heard.)

Congratulations. You've just outsmarted one of the most dangerous, intelligent pred--- no wait.

You just shot a forest cow.

*edit 9/1/09; Lots of traffic on this old post! For the people who don't read the comments -- this is a humor blog, and as I've said in the comments, this post was really to bust the balls of my treestand hunting buddies. I have *nothing* against hunting. I have two of my friend's deer stands on my property right now. So read this as it was intended -- to poke a little fun at the tree standers, and at the people from NYC who order a thousand bucks worth of stuff from Cabelas, drive two hours north and shoot cows and dogs by mistake. I have no agenda here. I'm an NRA member, a multiple gun owner and as long as you're not trespassing on my land, we're all good.

And seriously, some of you guys need to lighten the fuck up. So far I've had death threats, been called a "gutless tofu sucking freak" by an anonymous poster who apparently doesn't understand irony, and "a squaw" because I like venison but don't hunt. The reason I don't hunt is not because I give a shit about deer or hunting. Deer hunting is hard, and time consuming. I just don't like it enough to work that hard for it. I'd rather let friends hunt on my land and then just drop off the steaks and sausage later, if that's ok with you. I like steak too, but I have no inclination to go to the farm, pick out a nice cow and then cut my own.

And nobody should be forced to eat tofu.