I've decided I'm going to start awarding and/or taking away points to or from people I interact with every day. I don't plan on actually telling them that I'm doing this, because that would make them think I'm weird. Don't get me wrong -- I am weird, I just don't like to advertise it (except for here, obviously.) I won't be giving points to everyone nor will I be taking away points from everyone. Just the people who rise above and below my own personal, arbitrary bar on that particular day.
So without further ado -- here's today's allotment of JV Points:
Guy who pulled out in front of me this morning at 5:15am when I was doing 60mph on a two-lane highway with nobody behind me:
You get (-)100 points for doing this, when there was clearly not a single car behind me for miles. However, you also get (+) 50 points for flooring it and not making me slow down like the other assknob in the pickup truck who did this to me the other day and then went 30mph for 100 feet and took a left. I give him (-) 1,000 points, retroactive. He is the one who gave me the idea for this post, though, so I have to give him (+)500 points for that. He's still in the negative, because frankly, it's not that good of an idea.
Scabby-arm-guy working the register at the Mobil station:
You get (-)1,000 points for wearing a short-sleeved shirt and making me look at your weeping sores. You also get (-)50 points for licking your grubby fingers to count my bills back, and another (-)50 points for putting my coins on top of my dollars instead of putting the change in my hand first. Why is that so hard for people to get? Loose change first, then bills. That way I don't have to do effing gymnastics to get the bills back in my wallet. Jesus.
Unknown douchebag who got to work 3.5 seconds before me and took my parking spot instead of the one you usually take:
(-)2,000 points for not staying the eff out of my spot. You do, however, get (+)20 points for having your seatbelt hanging out of the passenger side door. Numbnut.
Lunch Lady Tina:
You also get (-)50 points for licking your thumb and adding to the saliva collection that scabby-armed guy started in my wallet. There was still a shiny wet spot on my five dollar bill when you gave it back to me. What is it with this nasty habit, anyway? I already have more spit-germs in my wallet than I need, thank you very much. You also get (+)49 points because you're a nice lady, and you know how to give me my coinage back first. Plus, you like 80's music.
Annoying vendor with English accent who, when I pick up the phone, says "Mr. Johnny Virgil" like I'm the next contestant on "The Price is Right":
You get (-)10,000 points because you are a relentless jackoff who transparently makes up bullshit lies like "Hey, the VP of Sales just walked into my office. Do you mind if I conference him in?" You know and I know that it was planned before you even dialed the phone, since he's a great (albeit also annoying) salesman and you suck old Def Leppard underwear.
I think that's it for today. You all get (+)1,000 points for reading my drivel on a regular basis.
Peace out.
I was beginning to wonder if anyone was going to get positive points.
ReplyDeleteYay! +1000 for me. I was wondering that too, Scott. Damn spambots make me type in extra stuff. -1000000000000 points for the inventor of spambots. Did I use too few zeros?
ReplyDeleteI've been awarding & taking away points from people for years. In my head, there is a little score card where I keep track of this. I never thought of doing it on my blog...you're a genious and I love you. There, I said it. Do I get extra points now? :)
ReplyDeleteJeebus. The people with the coinage and whatnot... I work as a register, and I get so many compliments for giving the people the freakin' change back before the dollar bills.
ReplyDeleteBut even my freakin' manager does the whole coins before bills thing. Ugh, drives me nuts. If the customer is the main concern (which, unfortunately, isn't the most important thing to most places) then shouldn't they be customer friendly? Make it easier for us? Forgoodnessake.
All the people who sell food-Edinburgh cheese shop, you know who you are- and handle coins, and do not wash their hands after handling money, -5,000 points.
ReplyDeleteIf the grubby petrol assistant was handing the change over outside, maybe the idea is, the coins stop the notes from being swept away by a freak tornado?
no such luck, fifi. It's all self serve around these parts. You have to get out of your car and go inside and pay...
ReplyDeleteYou would earn 1,000 points in my book if you carried an antibacterial spray and applied it to the money in front of those finger-licking people.
ReplyDeleteAG, I am so totally going to do that. I hate the coins on top of the bills thing that cashiers do. Why do they think this is acceptable?
ReplyDeleteI personally like the dollars than the coins so they don't have to brush their skin against mine. Unless of course it's a young hotty.
ReplyDeletethe ones who really annoy me are shop assistants who put the money down then expect you to try to pick up while juggling with your shopping and purse.
ReplyDeleteWhat freaks me out is why these people put their fingers in their mouths after handling money. Think about where their hands have been; you don't always wash your hands before handling money. Money is teeming with germs!
ReplyDeletedo I get to redeem my points for valuable prizes?
ReplyDeleteof course. Prizes to be announced at a later date.
ReplyDeletenegatives for those nimrods who watch me struggle with a 50 pound bad of dog chow and a cart that won't stay put for me to heave the bag o chow upon.
ReplyDeletethat's it. i'm leaving while i'm still in the positive.
:0)
This points system is genius. First of all, I get points for reading a cool blog. Second, I have discovered a way not to swear at or give the finger to drivers who do STUPID DUMB-ASS BULLSHIT things like pass me on the right on a city street and with a light about to turn red not 50 feet ahead of them.
ReplyDeleteDumb fucks. I have now decided that's a negative -1,000 points. And I get to yell this at the offending drivers.
Just think, it won't even freak out my children. Wicked.
--P.
When I was a cashier, I would purposely hand the dollars first to all the cocksuckingtruckers that pissed with me.
ReplyDeleteAnd if they were real fuckernuts I would put the money down directly on the counter and walk away, especially if their hands were full & they'd already put their wallet away.
Lastly, if they even looked like they had their fingers near their mouth at anytime in the recent past or immediate future I would use a piece of paper to wrap around their bills to keep their slime off of me. And I would show my tactic to their face, 'yes you are filthy and disgusting; yes I am clean and would like to keep your week old tabaccospit out from underneath my nails'
Why is everybody so afraid of a few germs. Sure they occasionally make you sick, but they're EVERYWHERE so I try to blissfully ignore them. Anywho, luv the points system, and I totally agree with poppy that now I can trash bad drivers without swearing in front of my kid.
ReplyDelete+500 points to the nice guy that let me out in front of him at the super jam-packed mall parking lot yesterday. -500 points to my mother who CAN.NOT.FOLLOW.DIRECTIONS.OR.HIGHWAY.SIGNS. to get from the mall to the turnpike to the resturant and must call me on my cellphone in traffic to panic.
-10000 points to you for your filthy hippie rants--peace out my ass
ReplyDeleteHopefully it's a big peace -- since it's coming out of your ass I want it to really, really hurt. A lot.
ReplyDeleteAmen Car. JV is a filthy hippie. Also, it's cool that you like assply. I have a blog that pretty much covers everything about assplay. Please check it out if you have more than some times.
ReplyDeletewww.carlovesassplay.com
peace out my ass would hurt much as it would be as whiny and runny as the filthy anti-war hippies. Oh yeah and I don't understand a word John said in his post--probably a generation communication thing.
ReplyDeleteNah, it's just a dick thing. You're one, he's not. Simple.
ReplyDeleteDon't make me have to start deleting your shit from my blog everyday. Just go somewhere else, ok? Thanks.