11/26/12

Cuteness Overload.

I saw this in the Wireless catalog the other day and thought it was so cute:



No, actually I'm lying. In fact, it chilled my soul and continues to haunt my dreams.  I'm hoping that by sharing this with you, I can somehow dilute the horror evenly among my readers so I don't have to bear it alone.  That said, I have a few observations I'd like to talk to you about.

Let's start with this one. Super-realistic?  If you are sculpting a DEMON SQUIRREL PRINCE then yes, yes it is.  And damn right I would have killed it if I could.  I would have unloaded a full mag right into its head the minute I laid eyes on that fucking thing, even though it probably wouldn't have done any good.  

Maybe it's just me, but "perfectly cute and kitschy" is not how I would describe this.  I would go so far as to say it is evil and horrifying.  I picture it walking up to my sliding glass door and knocking slowly with its bony claw until it hypnotizes me into letting it come in.  

Also, I am pretty sure acorns are not what this unholy abomination is hoarding.  I would bet money that it hoards nothing but tasty, tasty souls.  Last but not least -- A customer favorite?  Really?  WTF kind of depraved customers does Wireless have, anyway?  Dear god, just look at this face:


Is that not the exact opposite of cute and kitschy?  It knows things about you.  It knows about that bag of birdseed you keep under your mattress.  It knows what you like to do with those walnuts late at night when nobody is watching.  

It comes down off the wall at night, claws its way up the skirt of your bed, sits on your chest and watches you sleep.  So sleep tight. 


Come.  Take my hand. 

[edit - Hey, just to take your mind off the horror and get into the holiday spirit, let me tell you about this sale my wife has going on.  If you go to her etsy shop and buy a hat, scarf, fingerless gloves or headband, and put "All Hail the Demon Squirrel Prince" in your order, she'll take off $5.00 per item and give you free shipping to boot.  No, she doesn't know about this yet. But when she gets her first order that says, "All Hail the Demon Squirrel Prince," I think she'll know where to go for answers.]

18 comments:

  1. I will never sleep again. I hated tree rats from a long time ago (except to eat), and this just made it worse!
    Thanks! HAHAHAHAHA
    Peace <3
    Jay

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  2. Anonymous7:48 AM

    My mom told me that the part of the squirrel that she and her sibs would fight over was the brain. After boiling a couple of squirrel heads, you suck it out if the eye hole.

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    1. The demon squirrel prince is coming for your mother and her kin. You have been warned.

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    2. It's best to use a long soda straw.

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    3. Nothing looks right about that phony monstrosity hanging on that quasi-board.You've got the evil part right. It's right there in his head but the worst part is he's really pissed off. You can see it all in his eyes and he may blame you for everything.

      Don't put that on a wall in your house and turn off the lights. You don't sound like you are psychologically strong enough to handle the vibes and voices (more than one)in strange tongues.

      I'll send you a Creek arrowhead to ward off the demons but you have to promise to always keep it in the toe of your right shoe.

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  3. Ok, I'm sorry I read Anonymous' comment. I was happily reading blogs and sipping my tea. Now I feel like I will spew tea and waffles in the keyboard. Great way to start the day. It can only go uphill from here. (-:

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  4. Anonymous8:29 AM

    If it makes you feel better, the very next thing my mom said after telling about the squirrel brains was, "Don't look at me like that! You're father gave me the same look when I told him about it!"

    "Jesus, dad. You've kissed this woman?"

    "Hey, I didn't know about the squirrel thing back then."

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  5. I think I saw it's eyebrow move.....

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  6. My son was extremely proud of himself when he went out and bagged three squirrels with the new .22 his grandpa gave him. Grandpa was kind enough to clean the critters, and the parts were frozen in a Ziplock. *I* was then handed the Ziplock and asked to cook them. Hurray! Just what a Preppie girl from New Jersey wants to do!

    My husband suggested getting his mother's Fried Squirrel with Gravy recipe, but no, I had to be creative, so I set out to make Squirrel Fricassee. The body parts upset me right away because they certainly resembled what I imagine a cleaned guinea pig looks like, and I've been a g. pig owner and fan for many years. I gamely concocted the recipe anyway (leaving out the heads and ribcages, thank you very much).

    Well, the gravy part was good, I'll say that. The squirrel was terrible. Maybe my MIL has the right idea after all. The only one who was really happy with the whole thing was the dog, who got a "gourmet dinner" that night. :-)

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  7. Anonymous7:52 PM

    I have to say I have a special place in my black heart for squirrels, enough so that I stole the cloaked squirrel pic and made it my facespace profile pic. mostly since my wife posted a link to your blog and told me how creepy the picture was.

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  8. You don't need that thing - you have your own pipe-cleaner to mount!

    Your wife is going to get so many orders just so people can type "All hail the Demon Squirrel Prince." He's almost as good as a Goblin King. ;)

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  9. Anonymous10:38 PM

    ALL HAIL SCIURUS THE SHADOWTAIL!

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  10. It's Death of Rats, not a squirrel.

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  11. My ex-husband (please note the word EX!) was a hunter and we had all kinds of heads on our walls. Oh, and a bear skin rug. Felt like I lived in a Daniel Boone time warp. When people would come over their jaws would drop. My one form of revenge was to decorate the heads for the holidays. Mr. Ex hated that. Heh, heh, heh. Now he's gone as are all his stuffed and mounted friends. And I sleep much better at night!

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  12. Not as bad as the Creepy Baby Heads, but close. Thanks for sharing something else to haunt me.

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    Replies
    1. Matt, nothing is as bad as CBH.

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  13. What really baffles me is the 10% discount for orders of more than one, who the hell would want even one of the buggers, let alone 2 or more?

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  14. You know who would love those? The Bloggess!! That stuff is right up her Ally.

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