9/10/12

Loving you is easy 'cause you're beautiful.


As I mentioned in my previous post, last weekend we drove to Maine with some friends. Vidna drove, I rode shotgun, and the wimmin folk sat in the back.  We always called that "Italian style" in my family.  In this case though, they actually like to sit back there because then they can talk about girl stuff that Does Not Pertain to Us.  Because I was riding shotgun, the unwritten rules of the road stated that I was in charge of the music.

Let me tell you about the music on this trip.  It was glorious.   Last summer, we somehow got Minnie Riperton's song "Loving You" stuck in our heads, and it killed us all weekend.  It was like having a rash you couldn't get rid of.  We were all constantly walking around singing the "lalalalala" part, which, if you've never heard the song, is really, really annoying.  And it never failed -- just when I had finally succeeded in removing it from my skull by performing a mini-exorcism that consisted of simultaneously screaming the lyrics to "You Shook Me All Night Long" by AC/DC and repeatedly punching myself in the thigh as hard as I could, someone in our group would walk past me and go "lalalalala" under their breath and Minnie would be back like the persistent and malevolent demon that she truly is.  My only solace was that the person who did that to me generally did it to themselves too, because that song is truly evil and its brain-burrowing knows no bounds.

So for this trip, my plan was to gather up a bunch of hits from every year of the 70's, and force everyone in the car to listen to it.  Right around 1974, Minnie popped up, and we all sang the song right up to the point where she has sex with a dolphin. (yes, the link is safe for work.)

Luckily, that song is not the one that got stuck in our heads this year.  That dubious honor would go to a gem from 1970 called "I Hear You Knocking" by Dave Edmunds.  None of us knew the actual verses, so we were just going around singing the chorus over and over.  It was infuriating. And also hilarious.  If you're ever planning a trip to Maine and you want to inflict some 70's pain/pleasure on your passengers, here's my play list.

Last year it was just the four of us, but this year we had an extra passenger:

Come get some.

Yes, your eyes do not deceive you.  We had Action Jesus along for the ride.  Added bonus: he recited the entire Lord's prayer - loudly, and at inopportune times.  I'm still trying to figure out exactly who he looks like.  

The first thing I wondered was if he was anatomically correct, because that's just the way my 12-year-old mind works.  It turns out he has a permanent diaper.   I thought that was marginally better than the blank crotch of G.I. Joe, and it ties in pretty well with the whole rough-woven robe thing he has going on.

One thing I did not know about Jesus before this trip -- he could kick your ass from here to Kingdom Come. The dude is seriously ripped:


There's no two ways about it -- I have to buckle down and work out more.  I know it's not really fair to compare myself to Jesus, especially since he probably just raised his arms unto the heavens and commanded, "Let there be Six Pack Abs" and it was so, but at least now I have a goal to aspire to.

If anyone overheard any of our conversations, they probably thought we were complete holy rollers.

"Jesus will make the clouds go away."
"Maybe Jesus can find us a parking spot."
"I think we should bring Jesus to the beach with us."
"We won't need to see the wine list.  We have Jesus and water, we're set."
"Jesus failed us, which is why we had to drink that shitty Burger King coffee. Blame him, not me."

OK, maybe not that last one.  That coffee was the work of the devil.  Pay attention, because I'm going to share with you a little tip about beaches in Maine on Labor Day Weekend.  As you may know, they are crowded, and there are lots and lots of children and families all sitting practically on top of each other to be near the bathrooms and concession stands.  I imagine it's that way all summer.  Now, if you are like us and you don't particularly like screaming children and getting hit with the warm overspray of aerosol coconut oil from the leather-tanned lady basting her jerky-like thighs not five feet upwind from you, you can  just keep walking down the beach.  That's all you have to do.  Just walk.

Eventually, you will notice something.  First, the brightly colored toys disappear, along with the screaming children. Then it suddenly dawns on you that more and more people around you are in shape.  You have arrived at your destination, and you can spread your towels and set up your chairs.

You are now officially on the gay section of the beach.  It's not an official section or anything, and where it starts can vary from day to day.  It's simple, really.  Just keep walking until things get gay, then stop.  And let me tell you this: it's totally awesome.  Very few kids, polite people, no crowds… Nothing at all like it would be portrayed on television.*  Really, other than maybe seeing a little more cock than you normally might on any given day, you can't go wrong.


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*This might annoy  (both?)  my gay readers, or maybe it won't -- I'm not really sure.  I'm certainly not trivializing the struggle for gay rights or anything, but while I was writing this, I think I may have finally figured out what I don't like about the way gay people are sometimes portrayed on TV.  

I think the producers are still trying to go for the shock value; trying to see what they can get away with during prime time.  So instead of treating it like it's no big deal, a non-event, they have to shove it in your face and (just like everything else) try to make it seem like they are being edgy and pushing the envelope.  Because of this, I have discovered something about myself.   

I apparently don't enjoy unexpected man-on-man action.  For some reason, having that sprung on me in a manipulative manner irritates me.  

Here's a half-assed analogy.  I don't particularly like sports. I don't watch sports on TV, and sports in general holds no interest for me at all.  I don't mind one bit if you happen to like sports, and I don't care if you play them -- that's all fine, you can do what you want.  But if I'm sitting at my house watching Army of Darkness and drinking a scotch and you suddenly change the channel to the final inning of the world series just to elicit a reaction from me, you can bet your lunch money that I'm not going to want to watch it,  no matter how exciting it may be to those involved.  I just don't give a shit about the world series.  And you messed up my movie. 

That's the same feeling I got the other day when I was watching The LA Complex (Don't judge me. I miss Kaylee) and, in the space of 10 seconds, a badass gangsta rapper went from pushing around some kid to making out with him on the floor.  It annoyed me.  I mean, don't get me wrong -- after that, it turned into a decent character arc, and the continuing story of the rapper dealing with his suppressed sexuality is pretty good, but when I felt like I was initially manipulated into reacting a certain way about it,  it pissed me off.   





41 comments:

  1. Upstate Broad9:20 PM

    Minnie Riperton has more ways to haunt you than you probably realize. Just in case you don't know (most people don't), actress Maya Rudolph of SNL and Bridesmaids fame, is Minnie's daughter. So the next time that song gets stuck in your head, concentrate on the dress-shopping scene from that movie. Might help, might make it worse. Let us know.

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  2. Oh wow... Action Jesus reminds me of Treat Williams with long hair. We have a Buddy Christ figure on the dash of the hearse, I have no idea if he makes the car more or less creepy.

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    1. There is just so much right with that sentence I don't even know where to start.

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  3. Anonymous9:36 PM

    Wow. Everything you say about gay beach is true. We have them down here in Florida. I had no idea this was a universal phenomenon.

    And I must restate: gay beach is nothing short of awesome.

    I wish they would make gay sections for everything. Gay grocery shopping. Gay DMV. Gay lanes at the bank.... I would totally cross-dress to be eligible for that.

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  4. I have to Second Treat Williams-- circa 'Hair' the terrible movie.
    I am terribly curious though-- is the gay Maine beach still full of Quebecois? Spent a week once in Old Orchard almost running them over in the street. I think I learned the French word for sorry that week.

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    1. There did seem to be an inordinate number of french speaking people there. I swear I heard one guy yell out "Simon LeBon!" but I don't think I heard him right. Unless Duran Duran was on vacation in Maine or something.

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  5. Also: I hate you a little for putting that befrigged song in my head.

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    1. doot en doot en dooo dooo…..

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  6. Actually the entire human species is trival but let's quibble over minutiae.

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  7. I think he looks like Eric Bana.

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  8. Yes, I agree with GSE. He has Eric Bana's eyes...

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  9. Anonymous2:17 PM

    oh CRAP: I didn't get past the title of this post before I had that F*G SONG STUCK IN MY HEAD. Thanks a lot...

    ( : : circus music.. circus music.. Gahhh drown out that @#$% song, already!! circus music.. circus music.. : : )


    BTW, "sex with a dolphin" is, aside from being (warning, predictable comment) an awesome band name, is also the best description of that particular shattering- glass refrain I've ever read. Bravo, sir.


    Tangentially (un)related -- re. your PS on having things foisted upon you, have you seen this comic:
    http://basicinstructions.net/basic-instructions/2012/8/28/why-i-make-a-point-of-telling-people-that-i-dont-like-sports.html


    Tangentially (further un-)related -- as to Action McJeebus, may I share this funny exchange from Jenny/The Bloggess:
    http://thebloggess.com/2011/11/its-like-when-your-parents-get-on-facebook/

    some of the comments posted to that one were equally hilarious.
    (And I mean no offense to anyone religiously-observant.)


    Keep up the great work!
    -Mike from CA

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    1. Mike, get a damned blogger account will you? :) And thanks!

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  10. Julie8:09 PM

    You want to know what song is WORSE (And by WORSE, I mean WAY WAY BETTER!) than "Loving You"?

    Bugging you...
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UBMNP6x3PA4

    It's one of those lame-o ecards that a friend sent to me years ago and it. is. awesome. :) We still send it back and forth to each other to annoy the crap out of everyone.

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    1. Awesome, I've already sent it to our friends.

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  11. I can never hear that song without thinking of the Southpark episode where John Stamos sang it. The dolphin-sex part was really the topper.

    (And I thought you explanation about gay TV stuff was spot-on.)

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  12. Anonymous11:33 PM

    I can't believe how many songs you have in common with the Highway Disc I burned a few weeks ago. I love driving people crazy with it.

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  13. I can't be the only one thinking that Action Jesus looks like He'd fit right in on that section of beach you're going on about. But of course I'm the only one who needs forgiveness for bringing it up.

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    1. Travis, he would. Except his diaper is too big.

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  14. We used to call the women in the back thing riding country style. It's not offensive because they were mostly my relatives. And does "I Hear you Knocking" have any verses? I thought it just had the one light, repeated until someone ripped the tone arm off the turntable or changed the radio station.

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    1. Yep, all my family is Italian, so Italian-style fit. No, there are verses. There's not much too them, but they're there. Damned if I can remember one now though.

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  15. The only song that is worse is "It's a small world"

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  16. Gay reader here. And enjoy your take on it. It's not that there is a formal "gay" section, just that gay people tend to congregate and as a whole, we rarely have children and so don't tend to enjoy having them around when they are rowdy. As on a beach with parents who don't care to properly supervise them.
    It's the same with health clinics; I much prefer going to the ones in the gay parts of town (if there is such a thing, which there is not where I currently live).
    Apart from that, the life of the average gay person is much less dramatic than the media make it out to be; we get up, eat breakfast, work, shop, go to movies, have sex and sleep... and not necessarily in that order.

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    1. Doreus, Exactly! Since we don't have kids, we have the same issues. But kids are kids, and they scream and run around and we understand that, which is why we keep walking. And I think you nailed it -- it's the fake drama that annoys me. Oh, and also, Adam Lambert. It doesn't matter that he's gay. He could be as hetero as Wilt Chamberlain and I'd still want to stab him with my car.

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  17. Anonymous6:08 PM

    When asked for the song i dislike the most, or the worst ear worm - that's it. You love me because I'm beautiful?? F u. I hate you because you're an idiot. Back in da olden days my bbf would get mad at me for diss'ing minnie since minnie died young. As if you couldn't have a sucky voice, or be sucky person if you died young? hey...the song sucked! I'm sorry she died. Song. Still. Sucks.

    ooooooo ooooo oooo [insert dolphin lovgasm moans here] oooooo ooooo

    diane j

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  18. Anonymous2:37 PM

    No no, not Eric Bana. Luke Wilson.
    http://blogs.telegraph.co.uk/culture/files/2010/08/lukewilson1.jpg

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  19. Anonymous10:18 PM

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  20. Julie1:08 PM

    He looks like a mixture of Eric Bana, Luke Wilson, and Sean Bean back when he was in LOTR... but its his eyes that freak me out... You'd think Jesus would have much more soulful eyes. He's kind of dead in the eyes (and cross eyed to boot!).

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  21. I'm going with Treat Williams myself, but where the heck did you find Action Jesus, anyway? I've never seen one for sale! The permanent diaper is fine, as I think protecting His modesty is appropriate. The 6-pack, not so much - boys these days have enough negative role models without having to think even the Lord was more ripped than they are.

    Gay beach area, hmm. I've not experienced that phenomenon where I hit the sand (a NICE part of the Jersey Shore, nothing like That Show, thank you). I'll have to ask my bro who lives in ME about it, although he probably hasn't been to any due to the existence of his twin boys. They're the type you were trying to escape from. :-) I did love that characterization of the leathery lady basting her thighs - excellent!

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  22. Anonymous7:48 AM

    In "Hind" sight I think the appropriate shirt for us to be wearing on the Gay Beach would be " I hear you knocking, but you can't come in!"
    - maybe next time.
    Vidna

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  23. Love the Action Jesus! Did you see the Conan shows where he featured all the different Action Jesuses? (Jesusi?) They were hilarious. Glad you enjoyed your trip.

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  24. Timbo7:24 AM

    I feel your pain and reminded me of when I was doing the pilgrim walk to Santiago across Spain. In a bar where I stopped to have a coffee the radio was playing, "When you're in love with a beautiful woman" by Dr Hook. The beat of that damn song matched my stride perfectly so it ate into my brain for the next two weeks!

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  25. It's probably just because Mitt Romney's in the news, but when I saw the undressed Jesus, the first thing I thought was, 'Hey, the Mormons have it right.'

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  26. "Because I was riding shotgun, the unwritten rules of the road stated that I was in charge of the music."

    First time I've heard that. From an early age, I was taught that the driver controls the music, shotgun handles the navigation. Maybe not so much in the GPS age.

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    1. Depends upon whether you ask the driver or the guy riding shotgun. Also, there are sub paragraphs in the contact that stipulate control based upon whose car it is.

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  27. Anonymous4:57 AM

    How has no one noticed that action Jesus looks like Chuck Norris? There you go.

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  28. I don't know if it's sad or illuminating that I pretty much can guess which tunes are irritating on your song list. Thanks~nice compilation. It inspires me to compile my own.

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  29. I don't know if it's sad or illuminating that I pretty much can guess which tunes are irritating on your song list. Thanks~nice compilation. It inspires me to compile my own.

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  30. I am trying to find out which movie this song appears in the background. I've been racking my mind over it for the past 12 hours & its starting to annoy me that I can't figure out what the movie is. I've googled it & it's none of the movies mentioned. It's on the tip of my tongue but just can't quite get it. Please help!!!!!! Lol.

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