6/21/12

Taint no big thang.

I was going to tell you the story of my first fight, but instead I'm going to tell you the story of why I can't sit down today. It's not nearly as entertaining, but it's all I can think about right now, so it's what you get. I hope you don't mind. (I'll be right back, I have to get some Advil. )

Last week, I foolishly decided to take Monday off and get the sailboat on the water since we missed last year completely due to me chopping off part of my finger right before summer really started. My father was coming up for Father's Day anyway, so he brought the boat up and we got it ready to go for the morning.

The next morning things weren't looking so great weather-wise. Overcast and cold, it felt more like September than June. We kept checking the weather report, which swore that it was going to get sunnier and warmer. It had been a while since we had everything set up, so we went through a dry run. Mast up, standing rigging set, sails up; everything went flawlessly -- in the driveway, on the trailer, with no wind. So we were set, obviously.

When we got to the lake I noticed two things almost simultaneously -- there were no sailboats on the lake and the flag at the marina was blowing in one direction and the trees were blowing in another. I'm not sure how that was happening, but it was probably a sign of some sort. One we chose to ignore. There were no whitecaps, so we figured "how bad could it be?" and got everything ready to go.

This marina really needs to redo their docks. Unfortunately, they aren't floating docks, and the water level was so low that the dock is about three feet above your boat. It doesn't make things easy since you have to practically jump down into it, which is not easy for anyone, especially my 73-year-old dad. He managed though. We eased the boat out onto the lake using the trolling motor.

When we figured we were out far enough, I climbed up on the foredeck to raise the sails. It was pretty windy, so I knew as soon as I raised the jib we were going to start moving, and we did. I raised the mainsail and then raised the gaff, and that's the exact moment when a gust hit the boat and tipped us sideways. Looking back on it now, I don't think we were in any danger of capsizing, but when I turned around and saw the mainsheet wrapped around one of the damned cleats, I rushed to get back to the cockpit because things were going sideways.

Unfortunately, another gust hit us and I went one way and the boat went the other, and I came down hard on the corner of the hatchway door with the inside of my ass. That wasn't enough for me, however, and I continued on my journey of self-discovery and slid along the sharp edge of the casing and slammed my tailbone on the front lip of the seat. In retrospect, I would have rather fallen overboard, because the pain was blinding. Remember that feeling when you were a kid and pedaling your bike as fast as you could, and your foot slipped off the pedal and you came down hard on the bar? It was like that, only about ten times worse. Right now all the guys reading this are crossing their legs and holding their asses, and all the girls reading this are thinking 'you should have worn more sensible shoes.'

I immediately grabbed my ass and started rolling around, and I think I came pretty close to blacking out for a second. I also treated dear old dad to a very emphatic F-bomb. To be honest, it was more of an F-clusterbomb, in that it started with a really big one and then a series of smaller follow-up bombs. Then I realized who I was with, and also realized that I needed to either finish putting the sails up or take them down. They were creeping back down the mast since I never tied them off. So I crawled back to the front of the boat and finished what I had started. Once we got everything set up, we went where the wind took us, mostly, but also managed to sail to a few spots we were actually trying to sail to.

The wind stayed gusty all day but even so, we had some good runs. We made a few mistakes -- Some we knew were mistakes and some we just sat there scratching our heads and thinking, "Why'd that happen?" We really need to get some lessons and make some improvements to the boat. We are planning to redo some of the rigging so nothing gets caught where it shouldn't when we tack, and we're going to move some of the cleats. And maybe figure out how to raise and lower the sails from the cockpit of the boat. I like that particular idea.

All in all we had a fun day, even though I still can't sit. Well, that's not entirely true. I can sit, but getting back up still hurts like hell. But it seems to be getting a little better every day, so I've opted out of seeing a doctor.

Let me tell you something. I never even considered the possibility that you could bruise your actual asshole, but you can.

Also, doing this is a lot harder than you'd think.


22 comments:

  1. You sure you didn't break your tailbone? There's not much to be done about it so far as I know but maybe your insurance would buy you a ring to sit on.

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    1. It's entirely possible I fractured it, but it's more the surrounding area that looks like a ripe plum, so I think it's probably ok. At least I'm pretty sure it's not floating around down there.

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  2. JV...your posts of late...i was so excited not to see "the eye" when i came here...and then i read this and i am sick to my stomach and i can only speculate the pain you were in!

    i'm guessing since you didn't sail last year...maybe your sea legs need some retraining!

    will you be boating again any time soon?

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    1. I think it's my sea-ass that needs some retraining at the moment. I hope to get out again soon, but not until we fix the boat a bit and get an actual gas powered outboard. I'm studying up.

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  3. That picture is hilarious!

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  4. Probably should have finished breakfast before I opened the picture...
    Nice post
    Cheers...

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  5. We live in Mexico during the winter. Showing up with a tan is a good thing. Prices are lower, people don't treat you like as much of a tourist and you are less likely to get a scorching burn. After several fake bake sessions She pointed out that there were little white lines under my ass cheeks.
    The next tanning session was in a stand up booth with a posture specifically designed to eliminate those white smiles on my butt. The next few hours were a little odd and uncomfortable. On the way home I became increasingly aware that my chocolate starfish was becoming very itchy.
    The next day was worse. Ever see a dog skid his ass across the floor? I wanted to do that.
    See you in Mexico?

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  6. I don't know who I should be more mad at for clicking on that last link, you or me. Also, it took me accidentally closing and reopening a browser window to get the title of your post. I need a nap.

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  7. Thaks for the entertainment. I found your blog by accident and much enjoyed it. I have posted a trackback on my blog to bring other's to your site. My own blog involves subject matter similar to your own but from a medical satirical point of view. Would love it if you gave my blog a read.
    thanks,
    doctorJ1
    thedoctorspodcast.net

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    1. I am pretty sure I need you to be my doctor.

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  8. kristina6:01 PM

    At least you didn't fall on Fusilli Jerry - http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0697702/

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  9. OwOwOwOuchie. That sounds so painful; I really feel for you. But why the mirror rigamarole - isn't that what wives are for? I don't guess it'd be easy to ice that area in any case.

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    1. No, I told her I would spare her that particular duty.

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  10. No words after that last pic.

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  11. I shudder to think of the images you had to sift through when searching for that final image.

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    1. You don't recognize my drawing style? Clearly, you've never played Draw Something with me.

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    2. Anonymous8:05 PM

      I have played Draw Something with you and I am wondering if Taint is in the word bank.

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    3. If its not, it should be.

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  12. Anonymous3:35 PM

    Aren't you afraid to just leave your house every day? I guess you have just as much of a chance of hurting/embarrassing yourself there as anywhere, but your wife would be the only witness.

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  13. Oh, Johnny... what are we going to do with you??? For one thing, I think you have single-handedly scared off quite a few people from ever attempting to sail a boat. Really, people, it doesn't have to be a death-defying stunt-filled adventure, it's really quite a lot of fun! :-)

    Having said that, once again your accident is something that could totally happen to me and I can also sympathize. Boats are just chock-full of heavy or pointy bits trying to bruise, trap, impale, entangle or otherwise discomfit you. Being a klutz, I have had my fair share of injuries (e.g. bare toes + cleats = not good). In fact, the worst injury I have encountered to my own nether region occurred while on the water... but not while sailing, I hasten to add!

    No, I was waterskiing, or rather attempting to do so. It was on an ocean bay, in choppy water (whitecaps). Considering I'd only ever waterskiied twice before, on smooth Midwestern lakes, I had no business even trying. But out I went (that pride thing, you know). I even stood up - and then, about 3 seconds later, wiped out in a spectacular cartwheel. Oh my God... I swallowed about a gallon of seawater, but the worst part was the pain Down There. My bathing suit had been forcibly yanked upwards, like the world's worst wedgie. I was instantly crippled and had to be forcibly hauled back into the boat, where I attempted to bravely sit down and "enjoy the ride" while others skiied, all the while in excruciating pain. Pain I couldn't very explain to onlookers...:-( When I got back to land I assayed the damage in a similar fashion to your LOVELY drawing (which I instantly knew was your own work, BTW). I will spare you the gory details except to say the most interesting aspect was I had seaweed where it most definitely Did. Not. Belong. !!!

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